Category: other

You’re so ugly, your dog has to close its eyes when it humps your leg!

After years of listening to her plead, a hunter finally decided to let his
wife come hunting with him. He led her into the woods and left her in a blind
with instructions on what to do when a deer came within range.
He had no sooner arrived at his own blind than he heard a shot coming from his
wife’s direction. The first shot was quickly followed by several more. He
immediately ran back to see what had happened, only to find a man standing in
front of his wife with his hands up shouting, “OK lady, it’s your deer! Just let
me take the saddle off!”

One day there were three hunters. Their names were Bob, Zach,
and Jason. One day Jason went out and came back with a huge
deer. Zach and Bob were amazed and said,” How did you do that?”
Jason answered, “I followed the tracks, caught the deer with a
rope, killed the deer with a knife, and brought it back.”

The next day Zach went out and got an even bigger deer than
Jason’s! Jason and Bob were amazed and said,”How did you do
that?” Zach answered,”I followed the tracks, caught the deer
with a rope, killed the deer with a knife, and brought it back.”

The next day Bob tried to catch an even better deer than Zach’s.
Later that day, a guy named Ed came and said,”Bob died.” Zach
and Jason asked,”How?” “Well according to the witnesses it’s a
very strange story. Bob was following the train tracks. When he
saw some people and shouted,’has anyone seen a deer!’ Then a
train came and he threw a rope on it. The rope tied to a wheel.
Next Bob tried to cut the train open with a knife and BOOM! He’s
dead.

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, so she shoves the kid in the closet and shuts the door. The husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet, with the little boy. The little boy says, “Dark in here.” The man says, “Yes, it is.” The boy says, “I have a baseball.” Man, “That’s nice.” Boy, “Want to buy it?” Man, “No, thanks.” Boy, “My dad’s outside.” Man, “OK, how much?” Boy, “$250.” The next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy, “Dark in here.” Man, “Yes, it is.” Boy, “I have a baseball glove.” The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?” Boy, “$750.” Man, “Fine.” A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.” The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.” The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?” Boy, “$1,000” The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.” They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, “Dark in here.” The priest says, “Don’t start THAT again.”

Un se�or que sufr�a de hirsutismo (demasiado pelo en el cuerpo) acude al doctor. Este le pregunta: “D�game se�or, �En qu� le puedo ayudar?”

El se�or se quita la camisa y le muestra los brazos y el pecho dici�ndole lloriqueando:

“Mire doctor, pelo, pelo.”

Se quita los pantalones y mostrando las piernas le dice llorando:

“Pelo, doctor, pelo. D�game �Qu� padezco?”

El doctor muy emocionado, con l�grimas le dice al paciente:

“Padece usted un osito de peduche.”

10) No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.

9) Beer doesn’t tell you how to have sex.

8) Beer has never caused a major war.

7) They don’t force Beer on minors who can’t think for
themselves.

6) When you have a Beer, you don’t knock on people’s doors
trying to give it away.

5) Nobody’s ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured
over his brand of Beer.

4) You don’t have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.

3) There are laws saying Beer labels can’t lie to you.

2) You can prove you have a Beer.

1) If you’ve devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help
you stop.

Desde el bosque, Venancio y su mula, cargada con dos guacales en cada costado, se dirigen al pueblo m�s cercano. Como la noche los sorprende, el hombre decide amarrar al animal de un �rbol, y �l decide acostarse a un lado. Durante la noche, unos ladrones se roban la mula y a Venancio le amarran los guacales. Al amanecer, espantado, busca a su animal de carga:

“�Y la mula?”

Pero al sentir los guacales, exclama:

“Si yo soy la mula, �d�nde est� Venancio?”

La mujer de Bonifacio est� leyendo el peri�dico. Una noticia le impresiona y le comenta al marido:

“Escucha esta noticia: Un hombre se enamor� de una mujer de d�a; se cas� en la noche y la mat� en la ma�ana siguiente”.

“Es que por la ma�ana la mente humana siempre est� m�s clara…”

Words to Live By:

Too often, we lose sight of life’s simple pleasures. Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown.

But, it only takes 4 muscles to extend your arm and bitch-slap the fucker upside the head!

What do Microsoft and a halter top have in common? Both offer very little support!

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.2. Just because one can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can’t stay home the two days of the year it snows.3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Note: Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way: This is what they live for.4. Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.5. Remember: “Y’all” is singular.6. “All y’all” is plural. “All y’all’s” is plural possessive.7. There is nothing sillier than a northerner imitating a Southern accent, unless it is a Southerner imitating a Boston accent.8. People walk slower here.9. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you either.10. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “Big ol'”, as in “big ol’ truck” or “big ol’ boy”. Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.11. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.12. “He needed killin'” is a valid defense here.13. If attending a funeral in the South: remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.16. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car’s windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.17. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.18. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the tiniest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you’re supposed to do.19. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.20. Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer.21. Florida is not considered a Southern state (except Gainesville). There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.22. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.23. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

Un ingl�s quer�a vender un caballo viejo, pero nadie quer�a comprarlo. Por fin se le acerc� un gitano:

“�Se�or, nadie va a comprar un caballo tan flaco!”

“�Y qu� me aconseja usted?”, dijo el ingl�s.

“Yo puedo ayudarle”, dice el gitano al tiempo que saca un tubo, lo introduce en el ano del caballo y empieza a soplar con fuerza. El caballo empez� a engordar, pero el gitano se cans� pronto y le dice al ingl�s:

“Le toca a usted”.

El ingl�s toma el tubo, lo saca del ano del animal, lo volta y lo vuelve a introducir por el otro extremo, luego empez� a soplar. Sorprendido, el gitano le pregunta:

“�Qu� le pasa?”

“�Oh, es que me da asco la saliva de otra gente!”