Category: other

One of the city’s top cardiac specialist died. At his funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mockup of a heart made up of red flowers.When the pastor finished with his sermon, and after everyone said their good-byes, the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the heart closed again.At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a very loud fit of laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to him asked.”This is a funeral, Buddy, why in the hell are you laughing?”Trying to hold his laughter for a moment, the man replied, “I was just thinking about my own funeral, I’m a gynecologist.”

“Your proctologist called . They just found your head!”

Una muchacha se prepara para la boda y su mam� le est� dando las instrucciones:

“Mi hija, si tu marido te propone hacer el sexo de OTRA MANERA, �no lo aceptes!”

“Est� bien, mami”.

Pero pasan unas semanas despu�s de la boda y el esposo no le dice nada. Entonces la muchacha, por curiosidad, le sugiere:

“Vamos a hacerlo de OTRA MANERA”.

“�T� est�s loca? �Quieres quedarte pre�ada?”

1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it’s the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes
and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bulls’ testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window,
stating the following: “HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a
computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer.” A short
time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside.
He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign,
looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office
manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the
least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office.
Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager. The manager
said, “I can’t hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type.” The dog
jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter.
He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then
jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, “The
sign says you have to be good with a computer.” The dog jumped down again and
went to the computer. The dog proceeded to enter and execute a perfect program
that worked flawlessly the first time. By this time the manager was totally
dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, “I realize that you are a very
intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can’t
give you the job.” The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put
his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, “Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual”.
The dog looked at the manager calmly and said “Meow.”

En una convenci�n de la ciencia se encontraban un cient�fico ingl�s, uno franc�s y uno espa�ol.

El ingl�s dice:

“En mi pa�s despu�s de mucho estudiar y analizar el tema de la clonaci�n hemos creado un animal mezcla de vaca y de camello, que llamamos vacamello. Sus jorobas est�n rebosantes de leche, con las que alimentamos a toda Inglaterra”.

Y dice el franc�s:

“Eso no es nada en mi pa�s hemos creado una mezcla de cerdo y elefante que llamamos cerdifante, y con sus inmensos jamones alimentamos Francia y todo la meseta europea”.

Y dice el espa�ol:

“Eso no es nada, en Espa�a hemos creado una mezcla de luci�rnaga y ladilla que no se como se llama, pero el co�o de mi mujer parece Las Vegas”.

What do you call a Jewish American Princess’s waterbed?

The Dead Sea

Un borracho est� tratando de abrir la puerta de su casa, cuando, de pronto, llega la polic�a y le cuestiona por qu� est� tratando de entrar a ese lugar.

“�Pero si �sta es mi casa!”, se defiende con voz estropajosa el temulento.

Para aclarar las cosas, hace pasar a los agentes del orden, se�al�ndoles:

“Ven esos muebles: son mis muebles, yo los compr�. Ven ese televisor: es m�o, yo lo compr�”.

Luego, los hace pasar al dormitorio matrimonial:

“Ven a esa mujer que est� durmiendo en mi cama: esa es mi esposa. Y ven al que est� durmiendo con ella: ese soy yo”.

The nice men are ugly. The handsome men are not nice. The handsome and nice
men are gay. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married. The men who
are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money. The men who are not so
handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money. The
handsome men without money are after our money. The handsome men, who are not so
nice and somewhat heterosexual, don’t think we are beautiful enough. The men who
think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are
cowards. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money
and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!! The
men, who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we
take the initiative. And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING sex?

Q: How does an Amish father find his daughter in the field?
A: Pretty good.

Mortal: What is a million years like to you? God: Like one second. Mortal: What is a million dollars like to you? God: Like one penny. Mortal: Can I have a penny? God: Just a second.

A 19 year old lad has been dating a 17 year old girl for a few months.

They’ve been to the pictures and return to her home where she lives with her father, mother having passed on several years previously.

They settle down to amuse themselves on the sofa in the sitting room, whilst the old man watches telly in the back room.

Now the girl is a good example, and looks after her Dad, she in turn is the apple of his eye.

So naturally, he’s worried sick about her well being and eventually just has to break off from watching Panorama to knock gently on the living room door.

The girl opens it. “Hi Sue, you couldn’t make me a cup of tea, could you?”

“Course I can Dad,” she replies, and trots off into the kitchen to put the kettle on.

Meanwhile, the old man sits down on the sofa with the lad to have a word.

“Look, son,” he says. “I remember when I was your age, pulling the birds and trying my luck. Thing is, I’m worried about our Sue.”

“Why, what’s up with her?” replies the lad.

“Well, I shouldn’t really tell you, but she’s got acute angina.”

“Oh, I know…” says the lad. “…great pair of tits too!”

Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by Clark Kent