Category: other

Once a madman said, “Do you know there is a war going on between India and
Bharat?
Another madman said, “Why should we worry, we live in Hindustan.”

Dos amigos se encuentran y tienen ganas de hacer bromas; uno le pregunta al otro:

�Bueno, �sabes cu�l es el l�mite entre la desesperaci�n y la locura?�

�No�.

�Ah, entonces levanta la otra extensi�n del tel�fono y escucha�.

�Pero, son las tres de la ma�ana, �a qui�n vas a llamar a esta hora?�

�S�lo escucha. (Al azar, el bromista revisa la gu�a de tel�fonos hasta encontrar un n�mero)�.

�Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing.�

Le responde una voz de mujer con mucho sue�o:

�D�game�.

�Por favor, con Pepe�.

La mujer, bostezando, responde:

��Aaag, aqu� no vive ning�n Pepe!� (Y cuelga).

El guas�n repite la llamada y le responde la misma voz, pero un poco molesta:

��D�game!�

�Por favor, con Pepe�.

Amodorrada y muy molesta, responde:

���Aaag!! Oiga, �ser� usted bobo? �Ya le dije que aqu� no vive ning�n Peeepe!� (Y cuelga bruscamente).

La llamada se repite una y otra vez, en cada ocasi�n la mujer se molesta m�s y m�s. Pen�ltima llamada:

�Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing�.

La mujer ya no puede de la indignaci�n, pues lleva m�s de una hora sin dormir:

��D�igaame!�

�Por favor, con Pepe�.

Bostezando y muy molesta, la mujer revienta:

���� AAAEEEGGGGG!!! ���LE DIJE QUE AQU� NO VIVE PEPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!�

El bromista se dirige al otro:

�Esa es la desesperaci�n, ahora ver�s la locura…�

�Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing�.

��D�igaaameeeeee!�

�Oiga, yo soy Pepe, �no me han dejado ning�n recado por ah�?�

������AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGG!!!!!�

Three churches – Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian – worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, “The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families.”

The Baptist preacher said, “We did better than that! We gained 6 new families.”

The Presbyterian pastor said, “Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!”

Yo’ mama so fat, when she needs to wipe her butt, she sends out a search
party!

Canada, in view of recent events, will be changing the maple leaf on the flag
to a marijuana plant.
That way, the people of Quebec will have good reason to burn the flag.

The Norse god Thor came down to earth in his human form to find a cute human girl for some entertainment. While hanging out at a bar, he realized that the only girl who was interested in him, although attractive, had a speech impediment. However, after a few drinks, thor decided to take her to a motel anyway, where he proceeded to give her the night of her life before slipping out the door when she fell asleep.

The next day, Thor felt bad for leaving her without even telling her who he was, so he went back to earth and knocked on her door.

“Who ith it?” she asked with a lisp.

“It’s me, the guy from last night. I just wanted to tell you that I’m Thor.”

“You think YOU’RE Thor?! I won’t be able to thit down for a week!”

A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young
engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of a salary he was looking for.

“In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

“Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays,
full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and
a company car leased every 2 years…say, a red Corvette?”

“Wow! Are you kidding?”

“Yeah, but you started it.”

– Bonitas piernas, �a qu� hora abren?

– �Crees en el amor a primera vista o tengo que volver a pasar delante tuyo?

– Si est�s buscando el tocador de damas, no busques m�s… soy yo.

– �Trabajas para Federal Express?… porque pens� que me mirabas el paquete.

– Puede que no sea el tipo m�s guapo del bar, pero soy el �nico que te est� hablando.

– Realmente estoy luchando contra la necesidad de hacerte esta noche la mujer m�s feliz del mundo.

– Por una sonrisa tuya recorrer�a un kil�metro… ir�a mucho m�s lejos por eso que haces con la lengua…

– Mi nombre es Rafa… recu�rdalo porque lo estar�s gritando m�s tarde.

– M�tame si no te sirvo, pero primero pru�bame.

– Estoy buscando el 1/2 para llevarte a mi 1/4.

– Estoy buscando Diosas para una nueva religi�n… y acabo de elegirte.

– Ma�ana me meto en un convento para ser cura… �me ayudas a disfrutar la �ltima noche?

– Soy homosexual… �me ayudas a cambiar?

– Uy que perro m�s encantador, �tiene n�mero de tel�fono?

– �Ma�ana te despierto con el codo o con el tel�fono?

– �Te estudio o te trabajo?

– Bonitos pantalones, quedar�an muy bien en el suelo de mi dormitorio.

– Disc�lpame… �tienes hora?… es que se me PAR� cuando te vi.

– El m�dico me prohibi� levantar cosas pesadas… �me ayudas a orinar?

– Hola, soy nuevo ac�, �me puedes decir donde queda tu departamento?

– �Te importa si compartimos el taxi hacia mi casa?

– Tengo bonitos relojes, �quieres ver mi mesita de noche?

– �Nos conocemos de alg�n sitio? �o es que no te reconozco porque traes ropa puesta?

– �Que te gustar�a para el desayuno?

– Podr�a sacarte de mi sucia lista de fantas�as si quieres.

– Bonita blusa, �puedo hablarte sin ella?

– Tengo sed nena, y tu hueles a Gatorade.

A la chica de la fotocopiadora:
– Reproduciendo �eh?… �puedo ayudar?

– Perd� mi n�mero de tel�fono, �me prestas el tuyo?

– Jugar al doctor es para ni�os, ven y juguemos al ginec�logo.

– Se�orita, si ya perdi� su virginidad, me podr�a regalar la cajita en que ven�a.

Yo daddy is like a mounds bar — he’s got no nuts.

One day, this guy who had been stranded on a desert island all alone for 10 years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

‘It’s certainly not a ship,’ he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer
and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly emerging from the surf walking towards him comes
this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She approaches the stunned guy and asks,
‘How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?’

‘Ten years,’ he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a packet of fresh cigarettes. He takes a long drag and says,
‘Man oh man. Is that ever good.’

She then asks him,
‘How long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?’

Trembling, he replies,
‘Ten years.’

She reaches over, unzips the waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says,
‘Wow, that’s absolutely fantastic.’

Then she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wetsuit, looks at him seductively and asks,
‘And how long has it been since you’ve played around?’

The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies,
‘Oh my God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!’

Temperatures

60 degrees – Californians put their sweaters on.
50 degrees – Miami residents turn on the heat.
45 degrees – Vermont residents go to outdoor concert.
40 degrees – You can see your breath, Californians shiver uncontrollably, Minnesotans go swimming.
35 degrees – Italians cars don’t start.
32 degrees – Water freezes.
30 degrees – You plan your vacation in Australia.
25 degrees – Ohio water freezes, Californians weep pitiably, Minnesotans eat ice cream, Canadians go swimming.
20 degrees – Politicians begin to talk about the homeless, New York City water freezes, Miami residents plan vacation farther south.
15 degrees – French cars don’t start, cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you.
10 degrees – You need jumper cables to get the car going.
5 degrees – American cars don’t start.
0 degrees – Alaskans put on T-shirts.
-10 degrees – German cars don’t start, eyes freeze shut when you step outside.
-15 degrees – You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo, Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects, Miami residents cease to exist.
-20 degrees – Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you, politicians actually do something about the homeless, Minnesotans shovel snow off roof, Japanese cars don’t
start.
-25 degrees – Too cold to think, you need jumper cables to get the driver going.
-30 degrees – You plan a two week hot bath, Swedish cars don’t start.
-40 degrees – Californians disappear, Minnesotans button top button, Canadians put on sweater, your car helps you plan your trip South.
-50 degrees – Congressional hot air freezes, Alaskans close the bathroom window.
-80 degrees – Polar bears move south, Green Bay Packer (and Buffalo Bills) fans order hot cocoa at the game.
-90 degrees – Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets.
-100 degrees – Hell freezes over, Clinton finally tells all. Kenneth Starr moves in with Monica. Alaskans button top button. Santa moves operations to Panama.