Category: other

The drought is causing all sorts of problems.

One swimmer was so depressed about the lack of water that three weeks ago he decided to end it all by jumping into his pool and staying on the bottom.

Yesterday he died of starvation.

The inventor of the airplane borarding ramp has died at age 85. Funeral seating will begin half an hour before the service, with preferential treatment for immediate family members, followed by friends and relatives holding passes numbered 1 through 30.

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room. But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, “I hope, doctor, you don’t mind Johnny being in there.””No,” said the doctor calmly, “He’ll be quiet when he gets to the poisons.”

What do you have when you have two little balls in your hand?

A man’s undivided attention.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Un tipo estaba en la parada del autobus temprano en la ma�ana y en eso pasa otro en bicicleta y le grita:

“�Cornudo!”

El tipo mira hacia todos lados pensando que no era con �l y no se inmuta mucho.

Al otro d�a ocurre lo mismo, pero ya el tipo comienza a molestarse pues en su vida hab�a visto al de la bicicleta.

Al tercer dia decide cambiarse de lugar en la parada para ver si era una coincidencia, pero el de la bicicleta despues de mirar bien a la parada da otra vuelta y le grita:

“�Cornudo!.”

El tipo no puede m�s, regresa a la casa y le reclama a su esposa que hay uno que le esta diciendo que es cornudo. La esposa se derrite en explicaciones, pues ella no sabe por que le grita ese hombre. El marido enfurecido la amenaza con matarla y la esposa le suplica y le asegura que ella es inocente. Despu�s de una acalorada discusion finalmente se calman los �nimos.

Al d�a siguiente el tipo vuelve a irse a la parada. En eso pasa el de la bicicleta y le grita:

“�CORNUDO… Y CHISMOSO!”

A man bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.
The top was down and the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair,
and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped to 80 mph, he suddenly saw
flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW,”
he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 . . .
then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the heck am I doing?” he
thought, and pulled over. The officer came up to him, took his license without a
word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my
shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can
give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.” The
guy thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was
afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend,” said the
officer.

Once a madman said, “Do you know there is a war going on between India and
Bharat?
Another madman said, “Why should we worry, we live in Hindustan.”

Dos amigos se encuentran y tienen ganas de hacer bromas; uno le pregunta al otro:

�Bueno, �sabes cu�l es el l�mite entre la desesperaci�n y la locura?�

�No�.

�Ah, entonces levanta la otra extensi�n del tel�fono y escucha�.

�Pero, son las tres de la ma�ana, �a qui�n vas a llamar a esta hora?�

�S�lo escucha. (Al azar, el bromista revisa la gu�a de tel�fonos hasta encontrar un n�mero)�.

�Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing.�

Le responde una voz de mujer con mucho sue�o:

�D�game�.

�Por favor, con Pepe�.

La mujer, bostezando, responde:

��Aaag, aqu� no vive ning�n Pepe!� (Y cuelga).

El guas�n repite la llamada y le responde la misma voz, pero un poco molesta:

��D�game!�

�Por favor, con Pepe�.

Amodorrada y muy molesta, responde:

���Aaag!! Oiga, �ser� usted bobo? �Ya le dije que aqu� no vive ning�n Peeepe!� (Y cuelga bruscamente).

La llamada se repite una y otra vez, en cada ocasi�n la mujer se molesta m�s y m�s. Pen�ltima llamada:

�Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing�.

La mujer ya no puede de la indignaci�n, pues lleva m�s de una hora sin dormir:

��D�igaame!�

�Por favor, con Pepe�.

Bostezando y muy molesta, la mujer revienta:

���� AAAEEEGGGGG!!! ���LE DIJE QUE AQU� NO VIVE PEPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!�

El bromista se dirige al otro:

�Esa es la desesperaci�n, ahora ver�s la locura…�

�Riiiiing, riiiiiing, riiiiing�.

��D�igaaameeeeee!�

�Oiga, yo soy Pepe, �no me han dejado ning�n recado por ah�?�

������AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGG!!!!!�

Three churches – Baptist, Methodist, and Presbyterian – worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, “The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families.”

The Baptist preacher said, “We did better than that! We gained 6 new families.”

The Presbyterian pastor said, “Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest trouble makers!”

One afternoon a little boy was playing outdoors. He used his mother’s broom as a horse and had a wonderful time until it was getting dark.

He left the broom on the back porch. His mother was cleaning up the kitchen when she realized that her broom was missing.

She asked the little boy about the broom and he told her where it was.

She then asked him to please go get it. The little boy informed his mom that he was afraid of the dark and didn’t want to go out to get the broom.

His mother smiled and said ‘The Lord is out there too, don’t be afraid’. The little boy opened the back door a little and said ‘Lord if you’re out there, hand me the broom’.

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, “I’m Stupid.” That way
you wouldn’t rely on them, would you? You wouldn’t ask them anything. It would
be like, “Excuse me…oops, never mind. I didn’t see your sign.”

It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there
was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says “Hey, you
moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many
boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.”

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat
into the dock, I lifted up this big ‘ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the
dock goes, “Hey, y’all catch all them fish?” “Nope � talked ’em into giving up.
Here’s your sign.”

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a
guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. “Alright
Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into
this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all
right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it.”

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those
side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks
at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire goes flat?” I couldn’t resist. Said, “Nope. I
was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s
your sign.”

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house
and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house; he gets
out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, “Darn that’s
hot!” See? If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t ya know I
misjudged the height of a bridge? The truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out
no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up
to take the report. He went through his basic questioning.ok.no problem. I
thought sure he was clear of needing a sign…until he asked “So. Is your truck
stuck?” I couldn’t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then
back to him and said “No, I’m delivering a bridge… here’s your sign.”

What is the difference between pink and purple?

The grip.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci