Category: other

A judge was punishing three men because they had committed a crime. Their
sentence was a few years in the desert. He said that they could each take one
thing with them.

The first guy decides to take an umbrella, so that he can have shade whenever
he wants.

The second guy decides to take a water bottle so that he won’t get thirsty.

Finally, the third guy decides to take a car door.

The judge asked, “Why in the world would you want to take a car door?” The man
replies, “Just in case it gets hot, I can roll down the window.”

Va un vaquero por el desierto caminando y repentinamente se le aparece en frente un indio Apache que iba descalzo y con un hacha en sus manos y le dice:

“Oye, tu levantar las manos ahora, y callarte la boca”.

El vaquero asustado le dice:

“Por favor, no me haga da�o, yo le doy lo que quiera”.

El indio le dice:

“Yo no hacerte da�o, indio querer botas tuyas”.

Entonces el vaquero le contesta:

“Est� bien lo que usted diga.”

Cuando el vaquero comienza a doblarse para quitarse las botas y entreg�rselas al indio, se le sale un peo. Y en ese momento el indio le dice:

“Oye, indio cambiar de opini�n, indio no querer bota, indio querer trompeta…”

48 Phrases you wish you could say at work!

1. Ahhh…I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again…
2. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
5. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
6. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
7. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message…
8. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can’t understand a word you’re saying.
10. I can see your point, but I still think you’re full of shit.
11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
14. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
16. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one unde! rstands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
21. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. No, my powers can only be used for good.
24. You sound reasonable… Time to up the medication.
25. Who me? I just wander from room to room
26. And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be…?
27. Do I look like a people person?
28. This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
29. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
30. You!… Off my planet!
31. Does your train of thought have a caboose?
32. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
33. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
34. Allow me to introduce my selves.
35. Whatever kind of look you were going ! for, you missed.
36. Well, this day was a total waste of m akeup.
37. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
38. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
39. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
40. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.
41. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door 1?
42. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
43. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
44. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.
45. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
46. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted the paychecks.
47. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
48. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

Q: What county in Ireland hates “South Park?”
A: Killkenny.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury.
David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land.
Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby-sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

QUESTION: WHAT DID OJ SIMPSON SAY AFTER HE WAS FOUND NOT GUILTY?

“CAN I HAVE MY GLOVES BACK NOW?”

Pepito va a ver a su madre acompa�ado de su amiguita:

“Mam�, �verdad que a nuestra edad no se puede tener ni�os? �verdad, mam�?”

“Claro que no, coraz�n. Ustedes son demasiado peque�os para eso,” responde la madre, sonriendo.

Entonces, volvi�ndose hacia su amiguita:

“Ves, yo te dije que no ten�a caso que me retirara…”

what did the jewish pedophile say to the little girl?… do you want to buy a sweet!

A new business was opening and one of the owner’s friends wanted
to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card;
it said “Rest in Peace”.

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he
had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was,
the florist said.

“Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting
angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking
place today, and they have flowers with a note saying,
“Congratulations on your new location”.

El doctor llama por tel�fono a su paciente:

“Le tengo una noticia buena y otra mala.”

“Bueno… d�game primero la buena.”

“Los resultados del an�lisis indican que le quedan 24 horas de vida.”

“Pero bueno, �esa es la buena noticia? �entonces cu�l es la mala?”

“Que estuve intentando localizarlo desde ayer.”

When they ask, “Can I talk to you about God?” Reply, “Sure, what would you
like to know?”
Answer the door with a bloody knife and say, “I’m sorry, could you come back
in a half hour? We’re not done with the virgin yet.”
Answer the door with an automatic weapon and say ‘Allah be Praised!
Ask them for their address. When they ask why you want it, claim that you want
to appear on their doorstop univited so that you can peddle your own beliefs.
Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.
Tell them you already have your own religion. When they ask what it is, wince
a little before confessing, “er, I’m not sure if it’s legal in this country.
A chalk outline of a human body on the pavement, and a few copies of “The
Watchtower” scattered around…
Answer every one of their questions with “What do you mean by that?” This
might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how
long it takes for them to leave.
Ask them to explain the story of Elisha and the Forty-two children.
Invite them in to see your fine collection of dinosaur fossils.

An old lady buys a farm but has no animals for the farm. So she decides to go to the farm next door to buy some animals. So the next day she goes over and asks the man if he had any animals for sale for her new farm. The man replied sure. So the lady asked if he had any roosters, he said yes but we don’t call them roosters, we call them cocks. So the lady said she will take some. Then the lady asked if he had any donkeys, the man replied yes but we call them asses. But there is a rule with the asses, when they turn over you have to scratch their belly, the lady said no problem i will take some. And finally the lady asked for some hens, them man replied we don’t call them hens we call them pull-its. So the lady said she will take some. After the lady pays for her new animals she is walking back to her farm. And while she is doing this the donkey turns over. So the lady asked the man walking by if he could hold her cock and pull-it while she scratches her ass.