Yours Fun Portal !
There were three men, a Mexican, American, and a Canadian, on a
plane w/ a fat lady and three parachutes. The plane started
going down, and the three men grabbed the parachutes. The
Mexican jumped out yelling, “God bless Mexico!!!!”
The Canadian jumped out yelling, “God bless Canada!!!!”
The American jumped out and yelled, “God bless America!!!!”
The fat lady jumped out w/o a parachute and yelled, “God bless
whoever I land on!!!!”
Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle:
1. “It’s okay…I’m still billing the client.”
2. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
3. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
the last time management course you sent me to.”
4. “I was working smarter, not harder.”
5. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.”
6. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm!”
7. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”
8. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.”
9. “I’m in the management training program.”
10. “I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise
Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you (boss)
made me attend.”
11. “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I
dreamed about work!”
12. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who
practice Yoga?”
13. “The coffee machine is broke….”
14. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”
15. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear
off!”
16. “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”
17. “I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the
Walton’s)”
18. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!”
19. “I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact
lenses without using my hands.”
20. “The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing
dead to avoid getting shot.”
21. “I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.”
Manolo decide un d�a alquilar su primera pel�cula XXX. Fue al videoclub y, con toda calma, escogi� la pel�cula cuyo t�tulo m�s le llam� la atenci�n. De regreso en su casa, prepar� su sill�n, su bebida, y por supuesto… su cond�n. Puso la pel�cula, pero solo se ve�a est�tica en la pantalla del televisor. Indignado, llam� por tel�fono al videoclub y dijo al empleado:
“�Co�o! La pel�cula sali� defectuosa. No se ve ninguna imagen.
“Es posible se�or”, le contesta el empleado, “hemos tenido muchos problemas con algunas pel�culas. �Que t�tulo rent�?”
“Limpiador de cabezas I”.
Q: Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!
My genitals are so gigantic, and yours so woefully inadequate, that evolution
laughs at you and promises that your male offspring will also be cursed with
your ridiculous nubbin — thus dooming your DNA!
My genitals are so sweetly intoxicating, I was able to convince Cornel West
and Camille Paglia to violently disrobe and vigorously copulate with me in a
Chablis-fueled, mind-bending threesome that made the seraphim in paradise blush
with a mixture of shame and desire!
My genitals are so leviathan that Ahab himself, if he were rendered a
non-fictional creature, would surely stand upon his masts crows nest and lob
mighty harpoons at me!
If the teaming masses were to behold my juggernaut-like genitals, surely
Marx’s concept of the End of History would be nigh.
My genitals are of such behemoth proportions, it is to the world of genitalia
what Noam Chomsky is to the study of global activism!
My genitals are so mammoth in size, that if inches were words, my member could
fill every page of one of Ayn Rand’s epic Objectivist tomes!
A fine 1997 Chateau-La Cardonne Bordeaux would go well with my robust and
flavorful genitals, even after the third helping!
My genitals are so bursting with sexual magnetism, I could single-handedly
seduce and defile the entire lesbian population of Sarah Lawrence University!
My genitals bloat with such passionate force, that upon arousal, I barely have
enough epidermis to purse my lips so that I may recite Shelley’s immortal poem
“Ozymandias”!
If Philip Glass wrote an ambient opera in honor of my genitals, the title of
the epic collection of random notes and sounds would be “Phantasmagoric Ode To
Big Dong Number Five.”!
Hemingway””s lost book about my genitals began thusly: “His organ was big.”
My virility is so profoundly cosmic, that in the event that every human male
were to cease to be, my limitless supplies of genetically super-human semen
could impregnate the remaining female population, thus siring a perfect race of
confident, and impressively endowed men!
Tired Freudian references aside – your mother played my mighty skin flute like
a surf crowned sea nymph trying to rouse Poseidon from his watery slumber!
Kurt Anderson secretly admires the cultural relevancy of my genitals, which
have supplied artists and writers alike the inspiration needed to create great
American works, and this admiration turned to sour envy when he ignored my
zippered muse and wrote that appalling “Turn of the Century” that many have
mistakenly referred to as a “novel”!
So colossal are my genitals, that they compelled Stephen Hawking to theorize
that my sexual gravity is such that a tablespoon of it would weigh more than an
entire LA club full of amorous, cocaine-addled, Prada-clad Casanovas!
My genitals are comparable to Harvard University�s endowment – both are the
largest of their kind, both are institutions that demand the respect of
academics and undergraduate trollops, and both cannot be seen or used by anyone
of low birth or intelligence, unless they work very hard to prove they are
worthy.
Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: ‘What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?’
Tom says: ‘I would switch one train to another track.’
‘What if the lever broke?’ asks the inspector.
‘Then I’d run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there’, answers Tom.
‘What if that had been struck by lightning?’ challenges the inspector.
‘Then,’ Tom continued, ‘I’d run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box.’
‘What if the phone was busy?’
‘In that case,’ Tom argued, ‘I’d run to the street level and use the public phone near the station’.
‘What if that had been vandalized?’
‘Oh well,’ said Tom, ‘In that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo’.
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, ‘Why would you do that?’
‘Because he’s never seen a train crash.’
Alabama: At Least We’re not Mississippi
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t be Wrong!
Arizona: Dehyd-rific!
Arkansas: Litterasy Ain’t Everthing
California: As Seen on TV
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less
Character
Delaware: Please Call Before Visiting So We Can Make Room
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put the “Fun” in Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland
Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes… Well Okay, We’re Not, But The
Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois: Gateway to Iowa
Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa: Land of James T. Kirk
Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Louisiana: We’re Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our
Tourism Campaign
Maine: Cheap Lobster
Maryland: A Thinking Man’s Delaware
Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax
Brackets)
Michigan: First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota: For Sale
Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little Else
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada: Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire: Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey: You Want a ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto
Right Here!
New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the
Right to an Attorney
North Carolina: Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota: Um… We’ve got… Um… Dinosaur Bones? Yeah,
Dinosaur Bones!
Ohio: Don’t Judge Us by Cleveland
Oklahoma: Like the Play, Only No Singing
Oregon: Spotted Owl, It’s What’s For Dinner
Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal
Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn’t Actually
Surrender
South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee: The Educashun State
Texas: Se Hablo Ingles
Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont: Yep
Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don’t
Mix?
Washington: Help! We’re Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia: One Big Happy Family — Really!
Wisconsin: Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming: Wynot?
A guy on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife “geez, I never realized you had such big breasts.”
The wife gets all upset and throws him out.
While he is sitting in the hall another guy comes out down the hall. “What happened?” asks the first man.
“Well” replies the other “I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was “Geez, I didn’t realize you had such a big Butt…” then she threw me out.
Just then a third guy comes storming out into the hall.
“Hey” says the second guy “Did you put your foot in it as well?”
“No” says the third guy, “But I bloody well could have.”
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.
Doesn’t have all her cornflakes in one box.
The wheel’s spinning, but the hamster’s dead.
One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
All foam, no beer.
The cheese slid off her cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Couldn’t pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
As smart as bait.
Chimney’s clogged.
Doesn’t have all his dogs on one leash.
Doesn’t know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
Elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
Forgot to pay her brain bill.
Her sewing machine’s out of thread.
His antenna doesn’t pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn’t go through all the loops.
If she had another brain, it would be lonely.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No grain in the silo.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Several nuts short of a full pouch.
Skylight leaks a little.
Slinky’s kinked.
Surfing in Nebraska.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
The lights are on, but nobody’s home.
24 cents short of a quarter.
“�En qu� se parecen los hombres a los robots?”
“En que no tienen cerebro, no saben hacer nada sin las instrucciones oportunas, son muy artificiales y cuando no valen para nada, los tiras a reciclar y los cambias por uno m�s eficiente.”
El doctor llama por tel�fono a su paciente:
“Le tengo una noticia buena y otra mala.”
“Bueno… d�game primero la buena.”
“Los resultados del an�lisis indican que le quedan 24 horas de vida.”
“Pero bueno, �esa es la buena noticia? �entonces cu�l es la mala?”
“Que estuve intentando localizarlo desde ayer.”
What’s the difference between a vaccum cleaner and a motorcycle?
A motorcycle can hold two dirtbags.