Category: other

Q. What’s the definition of mixed emotions?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

what did god say when he created the first black man?

danm… i burnt one

Two guys are sitting at a bar when this girl with hairy arm pits
walks in. One guy says to the other, “She must be a ballerina.”
“How can you tell?” asks the other guy. “Well, only a ballerina
can lift her leg that high.”

Having a man in your life is like a deck of cards:

You need a heart to love them.

You need a diamond to marry them.

You need a club to beat them.

And you need a spade to bury the bastards.

A door-to-door vacuum cleaner salesman goes to the first house
in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking
lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say
anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the
carpet.

He says, “Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don’t do wonders cleaning
up that horse manure, I’ll eat every chunk of it.” She turns to
him with a smirk and says, “You want ketchup on that?” The
Salesman says, “why do you ask?” She says, “We just moved in and
we haven’t got the electricity turned on yet.”

Saddam Hussein’s stockpile is deadly. The smoke from his biological weapons could mix with sulfur from his chemical weapons and create an atmospheric condition known as Los Angeles.

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.

After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Bed hard!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “Food bad!” And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said, “I quit!”

The head monk shook his head and said, “I knew this was coming. You’ve done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!”

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.Cars are backed up for miles.Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

You’re so ugly, you had to wear a paper sack to visit the mall Santa!

There were three men, a Mexican, American, and a Canadian, on a
plane w/ a fat lady and three parachutes. The plane started
going down, and the three men grabbed the parachutes. The
Mexican jumped out yelling, “God bless Mexico!!!!”

The Canadian jumped out yelling, “God bless Canada!!!!”

The American jumped out and yelled, “God bless America!!!!”

The fat lady jumped out w/o a parachute and yelled, “God bless
whoever I land on!!!!”

Best excuses if you get caught sleeping in your cubicle:

1. “It’s okay…I’m still billing the client.”

2. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

3. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in
the last time management course you sent me to.”

4. “I was working smarter, not harder.”

5. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper.”

6. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement
and envisioning a new paradigm!”

7. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

8. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance.”

9. “I’m in the management training program.”

10. “I’m actually doing a ‘Stress Level Elimination Exercise
Plan’ (SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you (boss)
made me attend.”

11. “This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I
dreamed about work!”

12. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve
work-related stress. Are you discriminatory towards people who
practice Yoga?”

13. “The coffee machine is broke….”

14. “Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”

15. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear
off!”

16. “It worked well for Reagan, didn’t it?”

17. “I was cross-training for telecommuting. (Next, I watch the
Walton’s)”

18. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the
workaholic!”

19. “I wasn’t sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact
lenses without using my hands.”

20. “The mailman flipped out and took out a gun so I was playing
dead to avoid getting shot.”

21. “I thought you (boss) were gone for the day.”

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.”You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.”No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”