Category: other

Q: What’s the difference between a leach and the IRS?
A: The leach will leave you alone when you die!!!

Otto y Fritz eran excelentes amigos. Un d�a, Otto se va de viaje, y Fritz le env�a una carta inform�ndole:

“Otto, tu gato ha muerto”.

Otto, dolorido, le reclama con otra carta:

“Fritz eres un desconsiderado, �c�mo se te ocurre mandarme una carta dici�ndome tan fr�amente que mi gato ha muerto? Tienes que ir prepar�ndome, poco a poco, dici�ndome, por ejemplo: Otto, tu gato se ha perdido; Otto, tu gato se subi� al tejado”.

Transcurridos varios d�as, Otto recibe otra carta de Fritz:

“Otto, tu abuelita se subi� al tejado; Otto, tu abuelita se perdi�”.

Q: How many seventies disco dancers does it take to change a lightbulb? A: Two. One to boogie up the ladder and one to say “Get daaowwwwn !”

WELCOME TO PHONETIONS WHERE WE CALL YOU AND ASK QUESTIONS!

Apparently we have 400,000 new people on the line… Hey wait a minute…

The host walks to the curtain.

“Uh, we have technical problems here…”
_______________________
Phone Answerer: Excuse me.
HOST: WHAT!
Phone Answerer: You know the 400,000 people?
HOST: Yeah? So what?
Phone Answerer: 399,999 of them are complaining.
Host: Oh? And the last one?
Phone Answerer: Its your daughter.

PHONE ANSWERER: 399,999

Chuck had seen it coming for a time now, and Laura finally decided to break up with him.
“I’m sorry Chuck, but you just don’t have a good sense of humor,” Laura said one day, “You’re dry, boring and you never seem to say anything funny.”

Chuck who didn’t feel she was correct in the least, simply smiled and said, “I’m sorry you feel that way, Laura. I’m sure you’ll make some guy very happy some day,” she smiled and blushed a little, “then, he’ll zip up his pants, leave $20 on the dresser, and forget to close the door on his way out.”

Un tipo sale de la c�rcel donde ha pasado veinte a�os y, claro, lo primero que hace es recurrir a los servicios de una prostituta. Cuando acaban, ella le dice:

“Oye, �t� acabas de salir de la c�rcel, verdad?”

“Pues s�, �c�mo lo has sabido?, �porque te di por detr�s?”

“Eso me hizo sospechar, y lo confirm� cuando terminaste y, mec�nicamente, dijiste: Ahora te toca a ti”.

A lady on an airliner was reading her bible.

The man sitting next to her gave a little chuckle and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there do you?”

“Of course I do. It is the Bible.” the lady replied.

“Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?” he asked.

“Oh, Jonah … Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.” she replied.

“Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?” he asked.

“Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.” said the lady.

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then you can ask him.” replied the lady.

These sentences actually appeared in a church bulletin or were announced in a church service!

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference includes meals.”

Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.”

“Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your husbands.”

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers’. Bring your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun time.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Nelson’s sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing “Break Forth into Joy”.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 pm-prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

what did god say when he created the first black man?

danm… i burnt one

10. This is your captain speaking and I don’t feel that life is
worth living anymore.

9. We’re cruising at an altitude of… ah, hell, I don’t know.

8. Could somebody come up here and tell me what this button
does?

7. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Just kidding.

6. Would a flight attendant bring me a martini? And keep ’em
coming!

5. This is…uh…this is…uh…your…hmm. I seem to have lost
my memory.

4. Passengers on the left side of the plane — does that engine
sound funny to you?

3. Welcome aboard flight 109 — you bunch of jerks!

2. Good God, Steve! We’re going to crash! Oops — is this
intercom on?

1. We’ll be on the ground in 10 minutes. One way or another

A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started asking the man, ”Aren’t they cute, what are their names?” The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, ”I don’t know.” The lady asked again, ”Which is the boy and which is the girl?” The man looking angrier than before replied, ”I don’t know.” The woman then started to scold the man, ”What kind of a father are you?” The man replied, ”I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company.”

Se estaba jugando un partido de futbol y en eso se vino una terrible neblina que no dejaba ver nada.

El arbitro para el partido y todos se van a los vestuarios. Luego de ba�arse, van rumbo al bus y se dan cuenta que falta el arquero. Van a buscarlo y lo encuentran en la porter�a y le preguntan “�que haces aqu� si el partido fue suspendido?”

Y el arquero responde, “�Ya me parec�a que esatabamos muy ofensivos!”