Category: other

What does Michael Jackson reminisce about?

Blowing his first nose.

A guy sees a sign in front of a house: “Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Sure do.” The dog replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The dog looks up and says, “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. “

“I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running.”

“The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down.”

So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals.”

“Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, “Ten dollars.”

The guy says, “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Cause he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

There were several women sitting around talking at their weekly club meeting.The topic of birth control came up and they started comparing methods.

The first woman said that she and her husband relied on the pill. It had been effective for them since they had started using it after their 4th child was born.

The second woman said that she used the rhythm method. But she hated having to watch the calendar.

The third woman said that she used condoms, but wished that her husband would remember to buy them himself.

The fourth woman said that she and her husband had found the perfect prevention method.

They used the “saucer and pail” method. All ears were opened at that comment. She went on to explain…. Her husband is shorter than she, so he stands on a pail whenever they make love, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath him.

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

A blind man was seen waiting at a street corner with his guide dog.

After a short wait the dog started leading the blind man across the street against the red light.

First, a car comes screeching to a halt inches away from him, but still the dog leads on, then a bicyclist almost wipes them out and curses as he goes by.

Finally in the last lane a truck swerves and barely misses them.

After they reach the far corner, the blind man reaches in his pocket and pulls out a cookie and offers it to the guide dog.

At this point another person who has watched the entire episode interrupts asking why he was rewarding the dog after the dog had endangered his life and almost got him run over by a car, bicycle and truck.

The blind man responded, “I’m not rewarding him, I’m just trying to find out which end is his head so I can kick him in the ass.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

“COMPETITIVE SALARY”
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

“JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM”
We have no time to train you.

“CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE”
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

“MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED”
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

“SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED”
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

“DUTIES WILL VARY”
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

“MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL”
We have no quality control.

“CAREER-MINDED”
Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

“APPLY IN PERSON”
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

“NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE”
We’ve filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

“SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE”
You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

“PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST”
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

“REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS”
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

“GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS”
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

Un tipo ten�a un problema de impotencia cr�nico. Va al doctor, quien tras examinarlo le dice: “Tiene usted una enfermedad rara que deteriora los m�sculos de su pene. Me temo que no existe cura. Sin embargo, hay un tratamiento experimental. Se trata de transplantar los m�sculos de un elefante beb� al pene. �Le gustar�a que lo intentaramos?”

No viendo otra soluci�n, el tipo acepta y unos d�as despu�s el doctor realiza la operaci�n.

Ya dado de alta, el tipo lleva a su novia a un buen restaurant para celebrar el �xito de la operaci�n. Mientras est�n en la mesa, comienza a sentir un extra�o movimiento entre las piernas; la presi�n se vuelve insoportable, as� que el tipo decide abrir la bragueta del pantal�n.

De pronto, su pene sale del pantal�n, se desliza sobre la mesa, toma un pl�tano de la fuente de frutas, y regresa a su pantal�n de nuevo.

“�Vaya!” dice su asombrada novia, “�Eso fue realmente impresionante! �Puedes hacerlo otra vez?”

Con el rostro enrojecido, el tipo responde, “Tal vez… �Pero no s� si pueda aguantar otro pl�tano en el culo!”

A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, “Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!”

Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, “Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!”

You’re so poor that you put a Happy Meal from McDonald’s on Lay-A-way.

Llega don Pepe a su casa y se encuentra a Pepito en la sala:

“�Qu� haces, hijo?”

“Estoy jugando”.

“�Con qu� juegas?”

“Con lo que me sale de mis huevos”.

“�Eres un mocoso malcriado, majadero, hijo de la chin…! (Y, por supuesto, le pone una buena golpiza).

Un rato despu�s, va Pepito sangrando y lleno de moretones a suplicarle a su mam�:

“�Mamita, ya no quiero que me compres de los huevos Kinder Sorpresa!”

Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of Our Lady of
Perpetual Motion parochial school in an advanced state of
agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just wait until you hear this!”

The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, ” Now just calm
down and tell me what has you so excited?” “Well, father” the nun
began, “I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard
some of the older boys wagering money!”

“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.

“But that’s not what
has me so excited, father” replied the nun, ” it was WHAT they were
wagering ON! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate
the highest on the wall!!”

“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”

“Well, I hit the ceiling, father.”

“How much did you win?”

I remember when I was a sophomore. . .
Best three years of my life.

there was a brunette and a blond they walked into a bar. the 5:00 O clock news was on . the news said that a man was going to commite suicide. the brunette said i bet $50 that the man is going to jump. the blonde says ok!. they find out that the man did jump so when the brunette was going to collect the money she said that she couldnt take it because she saw the 3:00 news and she saw that he was going to junp. the blonde said so did i but i didnt think he would do it again.