Category: other

The Internet Newbie’s SongSung to the Major General’s song from ‘The Pirates of Penzance’ by Gilbert& Sullivan I am the very model of a Usenet individual, I’ve information meaningless and ultimately trivial, I know the basic elements of alien biology, And all the hidden secrets of the Church of Scientology, I’ve seen ‘The Wrath of Khan’ and every Star Trek film that followed it, I moan about my Servicecard and how the cash till swallowed it, About the laws on handguns I am sending off a counterblast, With many cheerful facts about the way you can MAKE MONEY FAST! ALL: With many cheerful etc. I’ll tell you why the Japanese are taking over Panama, And why the USA is still a better place than Canada, In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, I am the very model of a Usenet individual. ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, He is the very model of a Usenet individual. I post in alt.revisionism lies about the Holocaust, I cut my .sig to twenty lines, I didn’t want to, I was forced, I really can’t believe the ‘Good Times’ virus to be mythical, And Clinton’s raising taxes which is, frankly, bloody typical, I’ve upset several people on alt.flame, I really don’t know how, And sent a thousand business cards to Mr. and Mrs. Shergold now, I have a very poor grip of political geography, And absolutely no involvement (yet!) in child pornography, ALL: And absolutely no, etc. I’ve paid two-fifty dollars for the Nieman-Marcus recipe, And told the Spanish tourist’s tale about the toothbrush pessary, In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, I am the very model of a Usenet individual. ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, He is the very model of a Usenet individual. In fact, when I know what is meant by ‘binary’ and ‘FTP’, When I know how to decode porno JPEGs from a .uue, When I can handle HTML, Telnet, mail and IRC, And when I know the words initialised to form ‘http’, When I have learnt what topics are acceptable in talk.bizarre,When I know more of Usenet than the tailpipe of a motor-car, In short, when I’ve a smattering of elementary netiquette, You’ll say a better individual has never surfed the Net. ALL: You’ll say a better individual, etc. For my technical experience, although I claim to know it all, Could barely serve to run the installation disk from AOL; But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, I am the very model of a Usenet individual. ALL: But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, He is the very model of a Usenet individual!

Un individuo se acerca a la barra de un bar y el camarero le pregunta:

“�Qu� va a ser?”

El t�o responde muy serio, “Arquitecto, voy a ser arquitecto.”

El camarero sorprendido repite la pregunta de otra manera y le dice, “Quiero decir que �Qu� desea?”

“�Hombre! deseo terminar la carrera en 5 a�os.”

El camarero se empieza a mosquear y le dice, “No me ha entendido. �Qu� va usted a tomar?”

“�Ah s�!. Pues no s� �Qu� hay?”

El camarero responde:

“Pues ya ves, aqu�… de camarero, vamos tirando. No se gana mucho pero hay cosas peores.”

On the menu of a New Orleans restaurant -“Blackened bluefish.”

In a Maine restaurant – “Open seven days a week and weekends.”

On an established New Mexico dry cleaning store – “Thirty-eight
years on the same spot.”

On a New York convalescent home – “For the sick and tired of the
Episcopal Church.”

Outside a country shop in West Virginia – “We buy junk and sell
antiques.”

In a Tacoma, Washington men’s clothing store – “15 men’s wool
suits – $100 -They won’t last an hour!”

A sign seen on a restroom dryer at O’Hare Field in Chicago – “Do
not activate with wet hands.”

In a New York restaurant – “Customers who find our waitresses
rude ought to see the manager.”

In the offices of a New Jersey loan company -“Ask about our
plans for owning your home.”

In the window of an Oregon general store – “Why go elsewhere to
be cheated, when you can come here?”

In downtown Boston – “Callahan Tunnel – NO END.”

On a poster on a telephone pole in Oregon – “Are you an adult
that cannot read? If so, we can help.”

On a Tennessee highway – “Take notice: when this sign is under
water, this road is impassable.”

On the grounds of a private school in Connecticut – “No
trespassing without permission.”

In a New York medical building – “Mental Health Prevention
Center”

SIGNS THAT MAKE YOU STOP AND WONDER

At a number of US military bases – “Restricted to unauthorized
personnel.”

In a Florida maternity ward – “No children allowed.”

In front of a New Hampshire car wash – “If you can’t read this,
it’s time to wash your car.”

In a Los Angeles clothing store – “Wonderful bargains for men
with 16 and 17 necks.”

In a Texas funeral parlor – “Ask about our layaway plan.”

13. As the grand piano crashes right next to you, a voice in the wind whispers, “Dammit!”

12. Always starts breakfast chat with “Hey, hotcakes — I got your syrup right here!”

11. After 4 years at Julliard and 12 at the Royal Shakespeare Company, the only acting gig you can land is as “Dead Crack Ho” in a UPN movie of the week.

10. Only after you’re committed to the mental hospital for schizophrenia does she stop using 12 different voices.

9. That’s too big to be *bird* caca on your shoulder.

8. The foie gras at your last cocktail reception was just COMPLETELY unacceptable!

7. Every time a bell rings, you involuntarily pass gas.

6. You just accidentally rear-ended a car containing Mike Tyson, Latrell Sprewell, Sean Penn, and Mickey Rourke.

5. You’re out of work, you bang your head every time you get in the car, and the new Mrs. Rodman nags *AND* snores.

4. Devil on your left shoulder: “You can beat the train.” Angel on your right shoulder: “I concur. The locomotive is definitely beatable.”

3. Pushes you away from a falling piano, but into the path of Rush Limbaugh chasing a Moon Pie truck.

2. Shows your dead grandmother in heaven how to watch you spank the monkey.

1. On one shoulder, a little red devil says, “Go ahead, let her do it. No one will ever know!” From the other shoulder, you hear, “That’s right, Tubby — and besides, you’re the President!”

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com ]

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans. The Englishman was shot
all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, �Englander,
your arm is infected with gangrene vee must cut it off.�
The English prisoner said, �Well, okay, but could you drop it over England
when you go bombing?�
The German replied, �Ya, that vill not be a problem.�
A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his
other arm off. The Englishman says, �Well, could drop it over England like you
did last time?�
�Ya, that vill be done,� says the German.
The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off. Once
again the Brit says, �Well, could you do the same as before?�
The German replies, �Vhy, ya.�
The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg. �Well,� begins
the Brit, �could you just…�
The German snapped, �No! We think you are trying to escape!�

You haff been beet, vipped, starved, und tortured.
Und now, da party is over!

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

En la visita guiada al museo de historia natural, el gu�a se dirige a los visitantes:

“Aqu� se encuentra el esqueleto de un Tiranosaurio Rex, el cual tiene, aproximadamente, 65 millones de a�os y 15 d�as”.

Sorprendido, uno de los visitantes le cuestiona:

“�C�mo es que usted sabe la edad con tanta precisi�n?”

“Mire, desde hace 15 d�as que trabajo aqu�, y desde entonces la osamenta ten�a 65 millones de a�os”.

One day, the president of the corporation starts calling in his senior vice presidents, one by one for a short talk.

Then he starts calling in the junior vice presidents, one by one.

Then he proceeded to call in all the rest of the company’s officers in order of seniority.

Finally, he calls in the new office boy. The office boy is petrified (he has never met the president before).

The president tells the office boy to sit down, and he bellows at the boy, “Have you been fooling around with the new secretary?”

The terrified office boy stammered out, “No, sir.”

So the president says, “Good, then you fire her!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

what do you call a sleep walkin nun?
a roaming catholic

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to God’s kids.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing He said to them was:

“Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.

“Forbidden fruit? We got forbidden fruit?
Hey, Eve…we got Forbidden Fruit!”
“No way!”
“Yes, WAY!”

“Don’t eat that fruit!” said God.
“Why?”
“Because I’m your Father and I said so!” said God, wondering why he hadn’t stopped after making the elephants. A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and was angry.

“Didn’t I tell you not to eat that fruit?” the First Parent asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?”
“I dunno,” Eve answered.
“She started it!” Adam said.
“Did not!”
“DID so!”
“DID NOT!”

Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

How many white girls does it take to screw in a light bulb? None because she’s to busy screwing her cousin! Isn’t that funny!

Last but not least I would like to say to the makers of this sight that you are the dumbest bunch of SOB’s that I have ever seen. You must have blacks on your mind everyday day and night to do a whole website of them. Maybe if you would stop thinking of them so much and think about the fact that your Sister is really your aunt then maybe you wouldn’t spend as much time thinking about blacks. Also I am sick tired of hearing you all tell us to go back to Africa, well if that’s the case why don’t you go back to England because you stole this land from the Indians. Oh and the next time you want to call a black a nigger why don’t you consider the fact that a nigger is an ignorant person and I guess that includes you to.