Category: other

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, ”Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?” So to the back fence they all went. First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ”Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ”Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ”$2,700.” The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, ”You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” ”Easy,” he said. ”$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.”

These two nuns walk into a liquor store one evening just before closing time. They select a cheap bottle of brandy from the shelf and attempt to check out when the clerk begins hesitating. “Excuse me sisters”, he says shyly, “but I don’t normally sell alcoholic beverages to nuns.” It’s perfectly okay they reassured the clerk,” this is strictly for medicinal purposes.” “Very well” said the clerk, “that will be $6.50” The nuns thanked him and were on their way.About twenty minutes later, as the clerk is locking the front door, he notices the two nuns staggering down the street, obviously drunk. He approaches the two and in a very stern voice says “I am ashamed of you two! You lied to me and told me that the brandy I sold you was for medicinal purposes only, and just look at you now!”To this the nuns replied “Don’t feel bad kind sir, we did not lie to you . You see the Mother superior has been constipated lately and when she sees us, she is going to SHIT!”

Two whales were swimming in the ocean when their mother saw a boat.

She said to her sons, “Boys, you keep your distance from them boats.”

Then, just as they were turning around, BANG! THUD, a harpoon went right into the side of the mother.

Several months later the son and his girlfriend were swimming around, when off in the distance they spotted the very same harpoon boat.

Thinking of his revenge the son said to his girlfriend, “If we swim up behind them we can blow water up on to the boat and sink it.”

She agreed and off they went.

BLOW SPURT, BLOW SPURT, and down it went.

Then, the son came up with another idea, “Look at the sailors, they�re swimming away, we can really get them back for Mamma’s death. Let’s eat them up.”

The girlfriend replied “Hey, I helped you with the blow job, but I’ll be damned if I’m gonna swallow the seamen.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to
change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those
people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. Also, help me to be
careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I
may have to kiss tomorrow.

A truck driver was doing a cross country haul
and he hated [ethnics] with a passion. Every time
he saw an [ethnic] hitch hiking he would swerve
off the road and hit them.

This had gone on
for about 7 or 8 hours when he saw a pastor
hitch hiking. He had to pick him up but he
wondered what he would do about the blood, he
decided to not to make conversation of it and
picked up the pastor. Luckily enough the
pastor didn’t seem to notice.

About 20 minutes
later the truck driver spotted another
hitch hiker and thought “Maybe if I act
like I’m falling asleep at the wheel I can
swerve off the road and hit him”.

So he then
proceded to act like he was falling asleep
and swerve off the road. Two seconds later
he heard a loud thump and looked up excitedly
and said Did I get ’em!”

The pastor looked
up and said “No my son,
but I got him with the door.”

First the Dodo died. Then Dodi died. After that Di died followed by Dando. I bet Dido is crapping herself.

An old man went to a local bordello on Saturday night, the busiest night of the week. He asked for his favorite girl, but was told she was all booked up and wouldn’t be available for some time.”How about Molly or Sally or Denise?” the madam asked.”No,” he answered. “I want the girl I always get.””Okay, Gramps, then how about Cookie or Mindy or Lulu?””Won’t do,” he said.”Listen, Pops, what does this girl have that my other girls don’t?” asked the madam.The old guy sighed. “A lot of patience. An awful lot of patience.”

A team of archeologists were excavating in Israel, when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance.

1. A dog
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. The Star of David

They decided that this was a unique finding and that the writings were more than 3,000 years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and brought it to the museum, where archeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings.

The president of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, “This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race, as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement, you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.

“The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Further proof of their intelligence is the fish, which means that when they had a famine and could not grow food, they took to the sea for food.

“The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews.”

The audience applauded enthusiastically.

The president smiled and said, “I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.”

Suddenly, a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. Everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to left. Look again… It says, HOLY MACKEREL, DIG THE ASS ON THAT BITCH.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by BreeBrown

If you can’t live without me, why aren’t you dead already?
You’d make a lovely corpse!
I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll make an exception.
Is that a beard, or are you eating a muskrat?
Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?
You’re a wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits…huh?
Did you eat a brain tumor for breakfast?
You love nature in spite of what it did to you?
I want to reach your mind – where is it currently located?
I wish I’d known you when you were alive.
If you ever had a bright idea, it would be beginner’s luck!
What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
I look into your eyes and get the feeling someone else is driving.
You’re a mouse studying to be a rat.
Don’t look now, but there’s one too many in this room and I think it’s you.
Every time I’m next to you, I get a fierce desire to be alone.
I can’t believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest!
If you ever become a mother, can I have one of the puppies?
There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.
Why don’t you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.

A man called United Airlines and asked for a reservation from Los Angeles to New York. The clerk knew that the plane was very full with baggage and passengers. “How much do you weigh, Sir?” asked the clerk.

“With or without clothes?” the passenger asked.

“Well,” said the clerk, “how do you intend to travel?”

Un individuo se acerca a la barra de un bar y el camarero le pregunta:

“�Qu� va a ser?”

El t�o responde muy serio, “Arquitecto, voy a ser arquitecto.”

El camarero sorprendido repite la pregunta de otra manera y le dice, “Quiero decir que �Qu� desea?”

“�Hombre! deseo terminar la carrera en 5 a�os.”

El camarero se empieza a mosquear y le dice, “No me ha entendido. �Qu� va usted a tomar?”

“�Ah s�!. Pues no s� �Qu� hay?”

El camarero responde:

“Pues ya ves, aqu�… de camarero, vamos tirando. No se gana mucho pero hay cosas peores.”

The Internet Newbie’s SongSung to the Major General’s song from ‘The Pirates of Penzance’ by Gilbert& Sullivan I am the very model of a Usenet individual, I’ve information meaningless and ultimately trivial, I know the basic elements of alien biology, And all the hidden secrets of the Church of Scientology, I’ve seen ‘The Wrath of Khan’ and every Star Trek film that followed it, I moan about my Servicecard and how the cash till swallowed it, About the laws on handguns I am sending off a counterblast, With many cheerful facts about the way you can MAKE MONEY FAST! ALL: With many cheerful etc. I’ll tell you why the Japanese are taking over Panama, And why the USA is still a better place than Canada, In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, I am the very model of a Usenet individual. ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, He is the very model of a Usenet individual. I post in alt.revisionism lies about the Holocaust, I cut my .sig to twenty lines, I didn’t want to, I was forced, I really can’t believe the ‘Good Times’ virus to be mythical, And Clinton’s raising taxes which is, frankly, bloody typical, I’ve upset several people on alt.flame, I really don’t know how, And sent a thousand business cards to Mr. and Mrs. Shergold now, I have a very poor grip of political geography, And absolutely no involvement (yet!) in child pornography, ALL: And absolutely no, etc. I’ve paid two-fifty dollars for the Nieman-Marcus recipe, And told the Spanish tourist’s tale about the toothbrush pessary, In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, I am the very model of a Usenet individual. ALL: In short, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, He is the very model of a Usenet individual. In fact, when I know what is meant by ‘binary’ and ‘FTP’, When I know how to decode porno JPEGs from a .uue, When I can handle HTML, Telnet, mail and IRC, And when I know the words initialised to form ‘http’, When I have learnt what topics are acceptable in talk.bizarre,When I know more of Usenet than the tailpipe of a motor-car, In short, when I’ve a smattering of elementary netiquette, You’ll say a better individual has never surfed the Net. ALL: You’ll say a better individual, etc. For my technical experience, although I claim to know it all, Could barely serve to run the installation disk from AOL; But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, I am the very model of a Usenet individual. ALL: But still, in matters meaningless and ultimately trivial, He is the very model of a Usenet individual!