Category: other

Un tipo que viajaba en avi�n estaba en necesidad urgente de usar el ba�o. A cada intento de utilizarlo, lo encontraba ocupado. La sobrecargo, consciente de su necesidad le sugiri� que utilizara el ba�o de damas, pero le advirti� que se abstuviera de apretar los botones.

Eran 4 botones marcados con las letras AT, AC, TA y RAT.

Cometiendo el fatal error de muchos hombres de desatender lo que una mujer les dice, decidi� probar los botones para satisfacer su enorme curiosidad. Cuidadosamente apret� el primer bot�n marcado con AT e inmediatamente un chorro de AGUA TIBIA roci� su parte baja y pens�: “Caramba, qu� bien la pasan las mujeres”.

Curioso, apret� el segundo bot�n marcado con AC e inmediatamente una corriente de AIRE CALIENTE sec� suavemente su parte baja y pens�: “Caramba, todo esto parece de otro mundo”.

Su curiosidad lo llev� a apretar el tercer bot�n con TA e inmediatamente un TALQUEADOR AUTOM�TICO empolv� su parte baja con un oloroso y suave talco.

La estaba pasando tan bien que naturalmente apret� el cuarto bot�n marcado con RAT.

Cuando despert� en el hospital, muy asustado llam� a la enfermera y le pregunt�: “�qu� es lo que pas�?, lo �ltimo que recuerdo es que estaba en el ba�o de damas de un avi�n.”

La enfermera contest�: “Claro, usted la estaba pasando tan bien, hasta que apret� el bot�n RAT para activar el REMOVEDOR AUTOM�TICO DE TAMPONES (TAMPAX)… pero no se preocupe, su pene est� debajo de la almohada.”

How do you make love to a fat girl?

Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of making love with an [ethnic] man.
One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome [ethnic] who appeared
to be well-hung, so she figured, what the hell, she’d go for it. So Mary
asked
the fellow to come home with her.

When the two got to Mary’s apartment, Mary told the [ethnic] about her
fantasy,
and asked if he would be a part of it. Well, the [ethnic], of course,
agreed,
so the two headed for Mary’s bedroom. When they got there, Mary said, “Ok,
first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!” So the [ethnic] did
so. By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up
at the [ethnic] and said, “Now, big boy, do what you do best!”

So the [ethnic] picked up her VCR and left.

Pap� can�bal y su peque�o caminan por la selva. En eso, pasa un avi�n y el antropofaguito, sorprendido, le pregunta:

“Pap�, pap�, �Qu� es eso?”

“�Ah, mi querub�n, eso ser un p�jaro volador de acero!”

“�Y eso se come, papi?”

“S�lo lo de adentro mi hijo, s�lo lo de adentro”.

Llega un parroquiano y con mucha prisa, le dice al que atiende el bar:

“�Deme tres whiskeys bien r�pido, pero bien r�pido!”

El barman se los empieza a servir, y le pregunta: “�Cual es la prisa?”

“Si usted tuviera lo que yo tengo, tambi�n tendr�a prisa por acabarse los tragos.”

“�Y qu� es lo que tiene usted?”

“�S�lo tengo 50 centavos!”

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Two Irishmen had just won $500,000 in a lottery.

Having a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, “What about all them beggin letters? “

Sean replies, “We’ll just keep sending them.”

Se encuentran un chino un norteamericano y un tontiland�s viajando por el desierto, cuando de pronto se descompone el coche en que viajaban.

Sin mas remedio deciden que tendr�n que terminar el viaje a pie, pero antes de irse el chino propone que cada quien tome una parte del auto que le pudiera ser �til en el camino.

As� el chino toma el radiador, el norteamericano toma el asiento y el gallego la puerta. Despu�s de varias horas deciden tomar un descanso y usar las cosas que hab�an tomado del auto.

Entonces el chino le pregunta al norteamericano:

“�Y t� por qu� trajiste el asiento?”

“Pues lo traje para sentarme en �l cuando me canse.”

“�Y t� por qu� trajiste el radiador?” le pregunta el norteamericano.

“Pues cuando me da sed tomo agua de �l.”

Y los dos le pregunatan al tontiland�s:

“�Y t�, por qu� trajiste la puerta si no sirve de nada?”

Y les contesta:

“Ah, claro que sirve, porque cuando me de calor nada m�s bajo el vidrio y as� entra el airecito.”

UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALISM You have two cows; They smoke in their religious
services, and refuse to be nailed down in any belief, except that all cows will
enjoy the benefits of becoming ‘Filet Mignons’ rather than dog food.

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors the guard said, ”Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don’t you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?” So to the back fence they all went. First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, ”Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, ”Looks like I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.” Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, ”$2,700.” The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, ”You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” ”Easy,” he said. ”$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you, and we hire the guy from Texas.”

These two nuns walk into a liquor store one evening just before closing time. They select a cheap bottle of brandy from the shelf and attempt to check out when the clerk begins hesitating. “Excuse me sisters”, he says shyly, “but I don’t normally sell alcoholic beverages to nuns.” It’s perfectly okay they reassured the clerk,” this is strictly for medicinal purposes.” “Very well” said the clerk, “that will be $6.50” The nuns thanked him and were on their way.About twenty minutes later, as the clerk is locking the front door, he notices the two nuns staggering down the street, obviously drunk. He approaches the two and in a very stern voice says “I am ashamed of you two! You lied to me and told me that the brandy I sold you was for medicinal purposes only, and just look at you now!”To this the nuns replied “Don’t feel bad kind sir, we did not lie to you . You see the Mother superior has been constipated lately and when she sees us, she is going to SHIT!”

What do Michael Jackson and McDonald’s have in common? -They both like sticking their meat in 8-year old buns