Category: other

En que se diferencian las Mujeres Modernas de las Mujeres Cl�sicas.

– A las Mujeres Cl�sicas para verles el culo hay que apartar a un lado las bragas.

– A las Mujeres Modernas para verles las bragas hay que apartar a un lado el culo.

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together, I can’t help but wonder:…………. What was I thinking?”

“Congratulations on your wedding day!…………. Too bad no one likes your wife.”

“How could two people as beautiful you………… have such an ugly
baby?”

“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love……… After having met you, I’ve changed my mind.”

“I must admit, you brought Religion in my life……….. I never
believed in Hell until I met you.”

“As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am……. that you’re not
here to ruin it for me.”

“As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you’ve given me. Like the need for therapy…”

“Thanks for being a part of my life!!!………. I never knew what evil was before this!”

“Before you go,……… I would like you to take this knife out of my back. You’ll probably need it again.”

“Someday I hope to get married………… but not to you.”

“You look great for your age…….Almost Lifelike!”

“When we were together, you always said you’d die for me……… Now that we’ve broken up, I think it’s time you kept your promise.”

“I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend……. So here’s his leash, water bowl and chew toys.”

“We have been friends for a very long time……….. What do you say we call it quits?”

“I’m so miserable without you……………… It’s almost like you’re here.”

“Congratulations on your new bundle of joy…………… Did you ever
find out who the father was?”

“You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket…. I’d miss you heaps and think of you often.”

“Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday——— So we’re having you put to sleep.”

Mike and Bill, are hanging out in the lone bar in a one-horse town in northern Idaho, when a local rancher walks in carrying a wolf pelt.”Good work!” says the bartender. He pops the cash register open, pulls out a wad of bills, and counts them out into the rancher’s outstretched hand.After the rancher leaves, Mike asks the bartender, “What was that all about?”The barkeep says, “Haven’t you boys heard? We got us a real wolf problem in these parts, and the county ain’t done a thing about it. Why, just last week, a pack of the damn varmints come onta my property and laid waste t’my chicken coop. Ol’ Man Miller down the road even lost four of his cattle to the bloodthirsty beasts! They’re vicious, and they got no fear — and they gotta be stopped. So I’m offerin’ a bounty — a hundred dollars to anybody who brings in a wolf pelt.”Mike and Bill look at each other, and immediately race out of the bar to go hunt wolves.After wandering around the hills for several hours, they finally spot a lone wolf in the distance. Mike takes aim with his rifle and shoots the wolf dead. The two fellas sprint over to where the carcass lay, and Mike gets busy with the pelt.Suddenly, Bill says, “Hey, Mike, look.””Not now,” says Mike, “I’m busy.”Bill tugs on Mike’s sleeve and says, “Mike, I think you *really* ought to see this.””Not now!” Mike says again.”Can’t you see I’ve got a hundred dollars in my hands?”Bill’s voice starts to waver.”Mike, please, just look!”Mike stops what he’s doing and looks up: The two men are surrounded by a pack of wolves — at least fifty in all, every one of them growling, drooling, gnashing their teeth, and licking their chops.Mike takes in the sight and gasps: “Oh, my God… We’re gonna be rich!”

Un hombre ve un cortejo f�nebre y se da cuenta que el ata�d lo llevan de costado. El se acerca a un conocido que va detr�s del ata�d y le pregunta que a qui�n llevan a enterrar.

“A mi suegra”, dice el amigo.

“�Y por qu� de costado?”

Susurrando en voz baja, el amigo le contesta:

“C�llate, si la ponemos boca arriba empezar� a roncar”.

New research delivers enlightening insight into the sex life of the Scottish male.

Preparation
Friday night is very much love night for the Scottish man. Arriving back from the pub, having partaken of the traditional Scottish aphrodisiac 12 pints of heavy, a white pudding supper and three pickled onions his mind is set on one thing: love.
His lust at fever pitch after the sensuous excitement of a hard night’s dominoes, he approaches his beloved wife, enticing her with gentle words of passion, ‘Any chance of na nookie?’
The good lady in question, perhaps over excited by the erotic smell of stale beer or the sensuous vision of pickled onions sticking to his chin, is at first somewhat reluctant. This coy reluctance is expressed with the flirtatious reply, ‘Awaity f*** ya bam.’

Foreplay
Foreplay is very important indeed. This basically consists of the male casting off his lightly soiled Y fronts provocatively at his wife, usually landing skid mark down, as he approaches the bed and singing the ancient Gaelic fertility chant, ‘Here we go, here we go, here we go.’ Upon reaching the bed, he comments proudly on his rampant 8 inches. This is a classic example of alcohol induced double vision.

Initial problems
After 12 pints, sometimes the man’s Wee Willie Winkle is a trifle reluctant to extend itself (literally). Impotence is very much a blow to the man’s self esteem and the wife has to be very tactful. She will offer gentle and sensitive words of encouragement such as, ‘Ya useless bastard,’ or possibly, ‘It never happens tae ra milkman.’

Fellatio
Oral sex is a great favorite with the Scotsman. He approaches his wife with a cheeky invitation, ‘Howl ya like to put yer teeth roon this?’
The woman nods willingly and points suggestively to her falsies smiling happily in a bedside tumbler. ‘Go on yersel,’ she says, ‘list dinnae disturb me.’

Down to business
Eventually the moment comes to consummate their tender love. Again, alcohol induced double vision is an important factor as the man decides which of his willies to use. Sometimes in his excitement, he may suffer from premature ejaculation, a phenomenon he explains to his wife using the poetic phrase, ‘F*** me, I’ve shot ma load.’
If this does occur, it is essential he makes up for disappointing his wife by uttering tender and loving compliments such as informing her she’s the nicest woman he’s ever come across. An imaginative lover, the Scotsman, possibly having read that women like to be spoken to dirty, says such things as, ‘Shite, arsehole.’
The woman is speechless. The man is now thrusting away, his mind a kaleidoscope of jumbled erotic thoughts. The woman wonders if they should repaint the ceiling. Sometimes she utters a word of encouragement such as, ‘Are you sure it’s in?’
Given his level of sexual expertise, the Scotsman’s ideal partner should be a versatile lover specializing in the faked orgasm. This takes the form of a breathless shout, ‘Ooyah, ooyah, gallus big man.’
Eventually it’s all over. The man rolls over, wipes his dick on her nightie, falls asleep and commences snoring like a pig.
There’s no one in the world that performs quite like a Scotsman a veritable prince in the kingdom of sex.

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, “Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it’s as big as the gas grill now.”

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife’s butt.

“Yep,” he said, “Just what I thought, just about the same size.”

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn’t speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, “How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?”

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. “What’s the matter?” he asked.

To which she replied, “You don’t think I’m going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?”

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis

while Adam was proudly showing off his apartment to some friends
late one night, he led the way to his bedroom, where a big brass
gong was sitting. “What’s that big brass gong for?” asked one
of his friends.

“Why, that’s the talking clock,” Adam replied.

“Oh, how does it work?” Adam’s friend questioned.

“Just watch,” Adam said, giving the gong an ear-shattering hit
with the gong handle. Suddenly, someone on the other side of
the wall screamed, “For God’s sake! you asshole! it’s 4:00 am
in the freaking morning!!!!!!!!!!!!

How do you make love to a fat girl?

Roll her in flour and go for the wet spot.

For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of making love with an [ethnic] man.
One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome [ethnic] who appeared
to be well-hung, so she figured, what the hell, she’d go for it. So Mary
asked
the fellow to come home with her.

When the two got to Mary’s apartment, Mary told the [ethnic] about her
fantasy,
and asked if he would be a part of it. Well, the [ethnic], of course,
agreed,
so the two headed for Mary’s bedroom. When they got there, Mary said, “Ok,
first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!” So the [ethnic] did
so. By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up
at the [ethnic] and said, “Now, big boy, do what you do best!”

So the [ethnic] picked up her VCR and left.

Pap� can�bal y su peque�o caminan por la selva. En eso, pasa un avi�n y el antropofaguito, sorprendido, le pregunta:

“Pap�, pap�, �Qu� es eso?”

“�Ah, mi querub�n, eso ser un p�jaro volador de acero!”

“�Y eso se come, papi?”

“S�lo lo de adentro mi hijo, s�lo lo de adentro”.

Llega un parroquiano y con mucha prisa, le dice al que atiende el bar:

“�Deme tres whiskeys bien r�pido, pero bien r�pido!”

El barman se los empieza a servir, y le pregunta: “�Cual es la prisa?”

“Si usted tuviera lo que yo tengo, tambi�n tendr�a prisa por acabarse los tragos.”

“�Y qu� es lo que tiene usted?”

“�S�lo tengo 50 centavos!”

Let’s face it – English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on. English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race (which, of course, isn’t a race at all). That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.