Category: other

Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.

One day three monks were told by the minister that today was their day off, to
do whatever they want, and at the end of the day, god would forgive them of
their sins.

The monks thought this sounded like a good idea so they went off into the
city.

At the end of the day the three monks returned to the church and the minister
greeted them.

The first monk came up, and the minister asked, “What did you do today”. The
monk replied “I robbed an off-license.”

“Good” the minister replied. “Go and drink from the holy water”.

The second monk came up and the minister asked the same question. “I
vandalized a primary school” he answered.

“Good” the minister replied. “Go and drink from the holy water”.

The third monk stepped up and the minister repeated “and what did you do
today”. “I pissed in the holy water”, came the reply.

Dos argentinos llegan a Lima un d�a domingo, y se van a misa. El p�rroco los escucha conversando, y comienza su misa:

“Hermanos… ustedes saben que Mar�a Magdalena era una ramera, una p�cora, la �nica que hizo dudar a nuestro se�or Jesucristo… pues bien, �Mar�a Magdalena era argentina!”

Los dos argentinos se miraron indignados y decidieron regresar el siguiente domingo a misa. Ese d�a, el p�rroco empieza su serm�n:

“Hermanos… cuando nuestro se�or Jesucristo fue acusado, Poncio Pilatos decidi� condenarlo y se lav� las manos… pues bien, �Poncio Pilatos era argentino!”

Irritados, los dos argentinos se fueron a buscar al obispo y le contaron lo sucedido. Este asegur� que reprender�a al cura ese mismo d�a. Satisfechos, los argentinos regresaron nuevamente a misa, y se sentaron en primera fila, esperando:

“Hermanos…”, dijo el cura. “Hoy vamos a hablar de la �ltima cena… Jes�s al saberse traicionado les dijo a sus ap�stoles: Yo s� que uno de ustedes me traicionar� ma�ana… uno de ustedes que hoy come conmigo me vender� por monedas de plata… y ese uno �eres t�, Judas! Entonces Judas se par� y dijo: �Che Jes�s, cada vez que tom�s te la agarr�s conmigo!”

your house so small i threw a rock and hit everybody

what do you get if you cross michael jackson with arnold swazanegger

michael wazanegger

Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. “Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he writes in his notebook. “But I’m not a Giants fan,” the little hero replies.”Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were,” says the reporter.”Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack,” he writes in his notebook. “I’m not a Jets fan either,” the boy says. “I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?” the reporter asks. “I’m a Cowboys fan,” the child says. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet”.

Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews:

Problem: “Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.”
Solution: “Almost replaced left inside main tire.”

Problem: “Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.”
Solution: “Autoland not installed on this aircraft.”

Problem #1: “#2 Propeller seeping prop fluid.”
Solution #1: “#2 Propeller seepage normal.”
Problem #2: “#1, #3, and #4 propellers lack normal seepage.”

Problem: “The autopilot doesn’t.”
Signed off: “IT DOES NOW.”

Problem: “Something loose in cockpit.”
Solution: “Something tightened in cockpit.”

Problem: “Evidence of hydraulic leak on right main landing gear.”
Solution: “Evidence removed.”

Problem: “DME volume unbelievably loud.”
Solution: “Volume set to more believable level.”

Problem: “Dead bugs on windshield.”
Solution: “Live bugs on order.”

Problem: “Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.”
Solution: “Cannot reproduce problem on ground.”

Problem: “IFF inoperative.”
Solution: “IFF inoperative in OFF mode.”

Problem: “Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.”
Solution: “That’s what they’re there for.”

Problem: “Number three engine missing.”
Solution: “Engine found on right wing after brief search.”

Una monja que llevaba varios d�as con hipo, va al m�dico para que le solucione el problema. El galeno, luego de examinarla le dice a la monja:

“Hermana, lo que usted tiene es que esta embarazada”.

La monjita, horrorizada, sale despavorida del consultorio y a la hora el m�dico recibe una llamada de la madre superiora del convento:

“Oiga Doctor, �que es lo que usted le ha dicho a Sor Gertrudis?”

“Bueno madre superiora, solo le quise dar un susto para que se le quite el hipo… y se le quit� verdad?”

La madre superiora le responde:

“S�, a la hermana Gertrudis se le ha quitado el hipo… �pero el padre Miguel se acaba de lanzar desde el campanario!”

Subject One: Oh my god they just found Bin Laden! Subject Two: Wow, thats great where was he ? Subject One: Well I guess viagra really does help the U.S.A. because they just sprayed some and the little pecker stood up.

Yo mama’s so fat she makes Godzilla look like an action figure.

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, “So, tell me, how was it?”

“Oh, it was beautiful,” says the man. “The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we–” His friend interrupts him.

“A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?”

“Oh,” says the man, “we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday…”

A couple had been married 15 years. One afternoon they were working in the garden together.

As the wife was bending over pulling weeds the husband said, “Hey honey, you are getting fat. Your butt is getting huge. I bet it’s as big as the gas grill now.”

The husband feeling he needed to prove his point, got a yardstick, measured the grill and then measured his wife’s butt.

“Yep,” he said, “Just what I thought, just about the same size.”

The wife got very incensed and decided to let him do the gardening alone. She went inside and didn’t speak to her husband the rest of the day.

That evening when they went to bed, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, “How about it, hon? How about a little lovemaking?”

The wife rolled over and turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. “What’s the matter?” he asked.

To which she replied, “You don’t think I’m going to fire up this big gas grill for one little weenie, do you?”

Submitted by Clark Kent
Edited by Curtis