Category: other

A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.

“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.

“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.

“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.

After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said…
“Quit your dang complaining and just be thankful we’re still on the RIGHT SIDE of the grass!”

Con una escasa educaci�n y sin ning�n entrenamiento, al �nico puesto que Andr�s pudo aspirar fue de operador en la l�nea de producci�n de una nueva f�brica japonesa que se instal� en la regi�n. Meses despu�s de que comenz� a trabajar, la empresa organiz� un concurso entre los obreros y ofreci� un gran premio: un viaje de una semana a Jap�n (con todos los gastos pagados) para conocer al presidente de la compa��a. Andr�s gan� el premio, ya que fue diligente en sus deberes, trabaj� duro, siempre lleg� a tiempo y nunca tom� descanso ni para ir al ba�o.

Que no entendiera una sola palabra en japon�s no fue ning�n impedimento para realizar el viaje, ya que varios de los ejecutivos nipones hablaban espa�ol. Finalmente, nuestro hombre lleg� al aeropuerto de Tokio y a su hotel. Por la tarde, una geisha se present� en el cuarto de Andr�s y �ste supuso que podr�a da�ar las relaciones internacionales si no realizaba algunas ‘relaciones’ con la chica. Esforz�ndose al m�ximo, dedujo que la joven estaba disfrut�ndolo porque comenz� a gritar:

“�Bong Tsai! �Bong Tsai!”

Como la chica se retorc�a y brincaba con gran animaci�n y viveza, supuso que ‘Bong Tsai’ era una exclamaci�n de alegr�a.

As� que continu� realizando su mejor esfuerzo… y ella continu� gritando: “�Bong Tsai”!

Al d�a siguiente, Andr�s fue recogido por el gerente de operaciones americanas para llevarlo a jugar golf con el presidente y el vicepresidente de la compa��a. Como ninguo de los dos hablaba espa�ol, el gerente sirvi� como int�rprete.

El juego procedi� agradablemente hasta el cuarto hoyo. En ese par tres, el presidente peg� un gran tiro, que bot� dos veces, para que finalmente la bola cayera en el recept�culo para un hoyo en uno. El oriental empez� a gritar y gritar con gran entusiasmo. Entonces, Andr�s supuso que deber�a decir algo y record� los alegres gimoteos de la tarde anterior y entonces exclam�:

“�Bong Tsai! �Bong Tsai!”, pensando que era una frase adecuada para la ocasi�n.

Se hizo un pesado silencio en el grupo. Todos miraron fijamente a Andr�s e incr�dulo, el gerente de operaciones americanas le cuestion�:

“�Qu� quiere decir con que es el hoyo equivocado?”

How to speak with an essex tongue!!

alma chizzit – A request to find the cost of an?item

amant-? Quantity; sum total (“Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend”)

assband? – Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.

awss- A? four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost
(“That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver? t’day”)

branna-? More brown than on a previous occasion (“Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?”)

cort a panda – A rather large hamburger

dan in the maff- Unhappy (“Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit?dan in the
maff”)

eye-eels? – Women’s shoes

Furrock? – The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij -? A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: “Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper”)

Ibeefa -? Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik- Lacking in energy (“I feel all lafarjik”)

oi oi! -? Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during? banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa -? The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband-? The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover (“I couldn’t elp it, I wuz on the reband from? Craig”)

Saffend? – Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV’s, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan -? The city of London, the big smoke

webbats- Querying the location something or someone is (“Webbats is me dole card, Trace? I’ve? gotta sign on in arf hour”)

wonnid -? 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate – To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is (“I told ya a fazzand times?already”)?

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

A guy lands on a deserted island after a shipwreck. He wakes up surrounded by natives. “I’m toasted.”

A voice booms out of the sky: “You are not wasted yet! Take up thine rock besides you and bash in the head of the one with the red feathers, he is the chief!”

The guy does exactly this. The voice from the skies says:

“Now, you’re toasted…”

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring
it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it’s really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to
inquire how it’s going. That helps. Or even better, hover behind me, advising
me at every keystroke.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you’re going. It gives me a
chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don’t open the
door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors
with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use
of my limbs.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don’t tell me which is priority.
I am psychic.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere
to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could
mean a promotion.

8. If you don’t like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in
conversations. I was born to be whipped.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don’t write them down. In
fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful
information.

10. Never introduce me to the people you’re with. I have no
right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you
refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I’m doing for you could really change
your life and send you straight to managers’ hell.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it’s nice to
know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay
so much taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.

13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have
been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase.
I’m not here for the money anyway.

El presidente de cierto pa�s africano visit� Rusia, y el presidente, encantando, le mostr� el pa�s y lo trat� con las cortes�as propias para con un jefe de estado. La �ltima noche, antes del regreso a su pa�s, el presidente africano escuch� una propuesta de su hom�logo ruso que lo atemoriz�:

“Mi distinguido presidente, sucede que todos nuestros hu�spedes, despu�s de disfrutar y conocer nuestro pa�s, deben enfrentar su destino jugando a la ruleta rusa; aqu� tienes esta arma, con un solo tiro, la cual tienes que poner en tu sien y ver si tu destino ha terminado”.

Con mucho temor, el africano sigue las instrucciones y sale librado de la ruleta rusa.

Al a�o siguiente, cuando el presidente ruso visita al presidente africano, tambi�n es atendido con muchos honores. Pero en la �ltima noche, el de �frica le dijo que, fiel a sus costumbres, tendr�a que jugar a la ruleta africana.

“�Y c�mo es eso?”, pregunta el ruso con cierto temor.

“Muy sencillo”, responde el africano. “Ah� en cada una de esas chozas se encuentran las cinco mujeres m�s hermosas de �frica, y t� debes elegir una para pasar con ella la noche”.

“�Y luego, qu� debo hacer con ella?”, cuestiona el ruso.

“Nada, solamente dejar que la mujer que escogiste te practique el sexo oral”, explica el presidente africano.

“�Hombre!”, se tranquiliza el ruso, “y yo que pensaba que esta ruleta africana era tan peligrosa como la ruleta rusa”.

“S�, cabr�n, nom�s que una de estas mujeres es can�bal”.

The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Texas. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”

It was flooding in California. As the flood waters were raising, a man was on
the stoop of his house and another man in a row boat came by. The man in the row
boat told the man on the stoop to get in and he’d save him. The man on the stoop
said, no, he had faith in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood
waters kept rising and the man had to go to the second floor of his house. A man
in a motor boat came by and told the man in the house to get in because he had
come to rescue him. The man in the house said no thank you. He had perfect faith
in God and would wait for God to save him. The flood waters kept rising. Pretty
soon they were up to the man’s roof and he got out on the roof. A helicopter
then came by, lowered a rope and the pilot shouted down in the man in the house
to climb up the rope because the helicopter had come to rescue him. The man in
the house wouldn’t get in. He told the pilot that he had faith in God and would
wait for God to rescue him. The flood waters kept rising and the man in the
house drowned. When he got to heaven, he asked God where he went wrong. He told
God that he had perfect faith in God, but God had let him drown.
“What more do you want from me?” asked God. “I sent you two boats and a
helicopter.”

1. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
2. Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
3. Can I yell “movie” in a crowded firehouse?
4. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
5. How do a fool and his money GET together?
6. How do you know when its time to tune your bagpipes?
7. How is it that a building burns up as it burns down?
8. If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work
station?
9. If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon
stick to the pan?
10. If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is
worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?
11. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the
right to remain silent?
12. If you throw a cat out the car window, does it become kitty
litter?
13. What hair color do they put on the driver’s licenses of bald
men?
14. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
15. Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds” fee on
money they already know you don’t have?
16. Why do they put Braille on the drive through bank machines?
17. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
18. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
19. What year did Jesus think it was?
20. If you get cheated by the Better Business Bureau, who do you
complain to?
21. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
22. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?
23. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?
24. After Eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before
getting out of the water?
25. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
26. Did Washington flash a quarter when asked for ID?
27. How come there aren’t B batteries?
28. If the post office has machines that can sort snail mail at
1000’s of times per minute, then why do they give it to a
little old man on a bike to deliver?
29. How do “Do not walk on the grass” signs get there?
30. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in
jars?
31. Is a metaphor like a simile?
32. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
to?
33. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
34. How is it possible to have a civil war?
35. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
36. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
37. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?
38. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
39. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that
song?
40. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
41. Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?
42. Crime doesn’t pay…does that mean that my job is a crime?
43. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
44. How can there be self-help “groups”?
47. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
45. How do you know that honesty is the best policy until you
have tried some of the others?
46. How do you throw away a garbage can?
47. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?
48. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the
mornings?
49. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would
just take the time to take the dirt out of them?
50. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we
know?
51. If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his
underpants on the outside of his trousers?
52. If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what
happens when you turn on the headlights?
53. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
54. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
55. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?
56. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then
put money into telescopes so they can see things on the
ground close-up?
57. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that
killing people is wrong?
58. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but
he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
59. Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
60. Why is it that you must wait until night to call it a day?
61. How do you remove a club soda stain?
62. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what its all about?
63. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he
wonder why you’re just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
64. What happened to the first 6 “ups”?

Because Shakespeare was so deeply absorbed during the writing of his tragedies, he put almost impossible strains on his bladder. To make matters even worse, the tiny hooks and eyes that his tailor had placed on his pants slowed down the process considerably. So the playwright demanded that the tailor make larger hooks and eyes.After a few days of trial, the Bard reported back, “Truly it’s speedier these larger hooks and eyes, but still and all, when I’m in a hurry, it’s not quick enough. So I want you to redesign my trousers using leather ties.” The tailor did exactly as he was told and Shakespeare jumped into the pants without delay.Exactly one week later, however, the playwright was back at his door.”Truly the leather straps are faster than those hooks and eyes, but even so it’s still too slow. So I propose that you throw away the straps and just cut me a little hole.”The tailor bounced to his feet.”You ask for hooks, I give you hooks. You ask for straps, I give you straps. But holes? Holes! You of all people ought to know that . . . there’s no holes, Bard!”

Q: What did one gay frog say to the other?
A: Rub-it Rub-it

Do you know why New Yorkers are always so depressed? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey.