Category: other

El nuevo sacerdote de una parroquia estaba demasiado nervioso en su primer serm�n que casi no pudo hablar. Antes de iniciar la segunda homil�a, le pregunt� al monse�or c�mo podr�a hacerle para relajarse, y �ste le sugiri� que la pr�xima vez que subiera al p�lpito pusiera un poco de vodka en el agua y que despu�s de unos sorbos se sentir�a m�s relajado.

Al siguiente domingo, puso el consejo en pr�ctica y sinti� que pod�a hablar incluso en medio de una tormenta; se sent�a de maravilla. Despu�s de regresar a la rector�a de la parroquia encontr� una nota del monse�or:

Querido padre:

1. La pr�xima vez, tome sorbos en lugar de tragar.
2. Son 10 los mandamientos, no 12.
3. Fueron 12 los disc�pulos, no 10.
4. No nos referimos a la Cruz como ‘aquella T grandota’.
5. No nos referimos a nuestro Salvador Jesucristo y sus ap�stoles como ‘JC y su banda’.
6. David derrot� a Goliat, nunca le pate� el fundillo.
7. No nos referimos a Judas como el culero.
8. El Papa es sagrado, no castrado, y no nos referimos a �l como ‘El Padrino’.
9. El Padre, el Hijo y el Esp�ritu Santo no son Papi, el Junior y el Aparecido.

Atte. Monse�or

There was once a famous explorer who would travel around the
world videotaping exotic things from around the world. One day,
he decided that he would make a videotape of all the world’s
dances. So, he and his film crews spent 5 years roaming around
the world taping any exotic dance they could come across. They
ended up in Australia after videotaping the last dance they had
ever heard of. Suddenly, an old lady comes up to them and says
“Have you gotten the Butcher dance?”

The explorers did not know what the Butcher dance was, so they
asked the old lady.

“Well, there’s a very secretive tribe of Aborigines in the
outback that only do this dance called the Butcher dance once a
year. No human outside of their tribe has ever seen it.”

This excited the explorers greatly. “Do you know where we can
find this tribe?”

The lady replied “Yes I do, and if you leave tomorrow, you
should just make it in time. First, you need to travel 2 hours
west into the outback, then 5 hours north. You will come to a
mountain range. You must leave your vehicles at the range. Then,
you climb over the mountain range, which is very treacherous.
Then, you will need to ford a river at the bottom of the
mountains. There should be a tribe of aborigines on the other
side that will guide you to the next tribe for something
valuable in return. They will lead you to a cliff on a plateau.
You must scale down the cliff, and then it is an hour walk
across a desert to a group of small hills, and over those hills
will be the aborigines with the dance you seek.”

Well, the explorer knows that he must get this dance to complete
his taping. So, he and his crew set off. 2 hours west, and then
after 4 hours north, their cars break down, so they’re forced to
walk the remaining distance with all their equipment across the
hot landscape. When they finally come to the mountains, 2 of the
group lose their footing and fall to their deaths. They finally
make it over the mountains, but the river has been engorged with
a flood. 1 crewman drowns while he tries to swim across, so the
remaining people are forced to build makeshift rafts. However,
the rafts start to sink, and half of their camera equipment is
lost. They come to the group of aborigines who will guide them
to the next group, and offer them money. They refuse, and the
explorers offer them some of their cameras. The aborigines
refuse that, as well. So, the famous explorer makes his
sacrifice, and offers the only female member of his crew, which
they accept. They are given a guide who leads them to the cliff.
One of the crewmen gets vertigo, and accidentally falls off the
cliff tom his death. The explorer and his one remaining crewman
set off across the desert, and his crewman drops because of heat
stroke. So, the explorer picks up a small camera, and drags his
ragged self across the desert, up the hills, and he can hear
drums!

He pulls himself up the top of the hill, and the drums stop. He
stumbles down to the village elder, and once they have found a
translator, proceeds to ask him when the Butcher dance will take
place.

“I’m very sorry, but we have just finished with our Butcher
dance.” “Well, can’t you please do it again, for me? It’s very
important! You don’t know what we’ve been through!” “We cannot
do that. It would anger our gods, and we need them to watch over
our livestock and our crops and our water.

So, the explorer heads back to where he started from, and
finally makes it back and resolves to try again next year. So he
spends the year renting out a house in Australia and gathering
everything he’ll need. He gets mountain climbing gear, an
inflatable raft, blow-up dolls, and a car repair kit. He takes
all the precautions, and with a new crew, sets off.

When they arrive at the mountains, one of his crew notices a
path in the mountains that wasn’t apparent, so they drive
through, and make it to the river, which has dried up. They
cross the dried-up riverbed, and the aborigines have moved away
because of a lack of water. So, they carry on from the memory of
their leader. Midway through the desert, however, one car hits a
rock and tips, and the other car couldn’t turn in time, and
there’s a horrible accident. By sheer willpower, the explorer
climbs bloodied and beaten from the wreckage, finds one camera
that still works, and stumbles on into the village. He is
immediately recognized by the elder.

“Oh, you! You have come just in time to see the Butcher dance!
We will delay it for a little bit so that you can be healed of
your wounds!” “No, I don’t want to waste that time. I’ll be
fine. Just start the Butcher dance!”

This is the time he’s been waiting for two years. Finally, his 7
year work will be complete. He fires up his camera and watches
the dancers as they come out. They form a circle, and start to
sing:

“You butcher right hand in, you butcher right hand out…”

The Yuppie was accosted by a hooker. She said, “How ’bout some relaxing oral sex honey… only $50… you look all uptight.””No way!” the man responded.”I’m married!!!””So???” queried the hooker.”My wife will do it for $35.” he replied.

9. Photographer for the “Miss Nude Octogenarian” pageant

8. Laxative tester

7. Internet spelling/grammar corrector

6. Certified Pubic Accountant

5. Oh, come on, people! Let’s just say it: *any* job in the White House if you’re wearing a skirt. And that includes the poor bagpipe players.

4. Depends Undergarment Maximum Load Tester

3. Jessie Ventura’s press secretary

2. Restroom attendant at the Texas Chili Competition

1. “NYPD Blue” Makeup Specialist, Ass Division

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] ]

-A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a
phone number.

-A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars
before breakfast.

-A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on
Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.

-Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not
his mother calling from the next room.

-A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but
can’t make a bed.

-A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours
studying for her driver’s license.

-A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music–loud and very loud.

-An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is
usually too tired to dry the dishes.

-A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.

-A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

-A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

-A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the
lawn needs mowing.

-An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a
teenager.

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.

2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.

3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.

4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.

5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream ‘MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!’

6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.

7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsaleable.

8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King…

9. …but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they’re ‘astronaut food’.

10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton’s around while reading aloud from ‘Dianatic�s.’

11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.

12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it’s a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, ‘You mean you really can’t see it?’

13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears.

14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.

15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.

16. Ask the tobacconist if his hovercraft is full of eels.

17. If you’re patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side.

18. Sprint up the down escalator.

19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they too, can see the ‘hidden picture’.

20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.

21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.

22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone.

23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there’s much meat on them.

24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.

25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.

26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them, with your own bottle of Eau de Swane.

27. Rummage through the jellybean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens.

28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.

29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, ‘I see London, I see France…’

30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps.

31. Play the tuba for change.

32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play ‘Jesus Built My Hotrod’.

33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.

34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will ‘give you a really wicked buzz’.

35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have ‘any giant crap made out of straw’.

36. ‘Toast’ plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.

37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.

38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it.

39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing ‘Saved by the Bell’. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.

40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling ‘scratch one flattop!’

41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are, ‘leak proof’.

42. ‘Play’ the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.

43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.

44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they’re real.

45. If it’s Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.

46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say ‘Domino’s.’

47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.

48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.

49. Show people your driver’s license and demand to know ‘whether they’ve seen this man.’

50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn’t turned blue yet.

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter the Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo. I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word, right up to the end of the prayer: “Lead us not into temptation,” she prayed, “but deliver us some E-mail. Amen.”

And one particular four-year old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, & as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord & nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles & jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother & whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

Six-year old Angie & her four-year old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang & talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had had enough. “You’re not supposed to talk out loud in church.” “Why? Who’s going to stop me?” Joel asked. Angie pointed to the back of the church & said, “See those two men standing by the door? They’re hushers.”

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait'”. Kevin turned to his younger brother & said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, & led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died & went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment & then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

A Sunday school class was studying the Ten Commandments. They were ready to discuss the last one. The teacher asked if anyone could tell her what it was. Susie raised her hand, stood tall, & shouted, “Thou shall not take the covers off thy neighbor’s wife.”

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying as though he was ill, & asked, “Johnny what is the matter?” Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife!”

This last one is out of the mouth of my co-workers 3-year old son Reese: “Our father, who does art in heaven, Howard is his name….”

Un hombre manejaba por la autopista cuando vio a una gallina corriendo junto a su coche. Sorprendentemente, la gallina corr�a al mismo ritmo que el auto, aunque iba a m�s de 80 km/h.

El hombre aceler� a 100 y la gallina se mantuvo junto a �l. Aceler� a 120 y la gallina lo rebas�. Entonces el hombre not� que la gallina ten�a tres piernas.

El tipo sigui� a la gallina por un camino lateral hasta que llegaron a una granja, donde vio que todas las gallinas ten�an tres piernas. El hombre busc� al granjero y le pregunt� “�Oiga, qu� pasa con estas gallinas?”

El granjero le respondi� “Bueno, a todo el mundo le gustan las piernas de pollo. As� que cri� una gallina de tres piernas. Voy a hacerme millonario.”

“�Y qu� sabor tienen estas gallinas?”

“No lo s�, �no he podido atrapar ninguna!”

When it comes to I.Q. points, you lose them every time you go to the bathroom.

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.”The next week the lady goes back.”Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts — although still silent — stink terribly.”The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing….”

Con una escasa educaci�n y sin ning�n entrenamiento, al �nico puesto que Andr�s pudo aspirar fue de operador en la l�nea de producci�n de una nueva f�brica japonesa que se instal� en la regi�n. Meses despu�s de que comenz� a trabajar, la empresa organiz� un concurso entre los obreros y ofreci� un gran premio: un viaje de una semana a Jap�n (con todos los gastos pagados) para conocer al presidente de la compa��a. Andr�s gan� el premio, ya que fue diligente en sus deberes, trabaj� duro, siempre lleg� a tiempo y nunca tom� descanso ni para ir al ba�o.

Que no entendiera una sola palabra en japon�s no fue ning�n impedimento para realizar el viaje, ya que varios de los ejecutivos nipones hablaban espa�ol. Finalmente, nuestro hombre lleg� al aeropuerto de Tokio y a su hotel. Por la tarde, una geisha se present� en el cuarto de Andr�s y �ste supuso que podr�a da�ar las relaciones internacionales si no realizaba algunas ‘relaciones’ con la chica. Esforz�ndose al m�ximo, dedujo que la joven estaba disfrut�ndolo porque comenz� a gritar:

“�Bong Tsai! �Bong Tsai!”

Como la chica se retorc�a y brincaba con gran animaci�n y viveza, supuso que ‘Bong Tsai’ era una exclamaci�n de alegr�a.

As� que continu� realizando su mejor esfuerzo… y ella continu� gritando: “�Bong Tsai”!

Al d�a siguiente, Andr�s fue recogido por el gerente de operaciones americanas para llevarlo a jugar golf con el presidente y el vicepresidente de la compa��a. Como ninguo de los dos hablaba espa�ol, el gerente sirvi� como int�rprete.

El juego procedi� agradablemente hasta el cuarto hoyo. En ese par tres, el presidente peg� un gran tiro, que bot� dos veces, para que finalmente la bola cayera en el recept�culo para un hoyo en uno. El oriental empez� a gritar y gritar con gran entusiasmo. Entonces, Andr�s supuso que deber�a decir algo y record� los alegres gimoteos de la tarde anterior y entonces exclam�:

“�Bong Tsai! �Bong Tsai!”, pensando que era una frase adecuada para la ocasi�n.

Se hizo un pesado silencio en el grupo. Todos miraron fijamente a Andr�s e incr�dulo, el gerente de operaciones americanas le cuestion�:

“�Qu� quiere decir con que es el hoyo equivocado?”

13. “None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.”

12. “Tampax! Get your Tampax here!”

11. “Hey, shut up! I can’t hear the race.”

10. “Sex with your sister!? Man, that’s sick.”

9. “My GOD, this is a splendid Merlot!”

8. “Hey, you with the large breasts — out of the way! We’re trying to watch a race here!”

7. “Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attach� case, then fetch me some clotted cream for my scone.”

6. “What a coincidence, Hank — all my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!”

5. “These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!”

4. “Good morning, Mr. Trickle. We at ‘Depends’ understand you’re looking for a new corporate sponsor…”

3. “Whew! No more beer for me, fellas…”

2. “Filling in for Dale ‘the intimidator’ Earnhardt today is substitute driver, Michael ‘Lord of the Dance’ Flatley.”

1. “…and now, singing our national anthem — international recording artist Boy George!”

[ This list copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

[ The Top 5 List [email protected] http://www.topfive.com]