Category: other

There’s three people in a car ,there’s Sh*t ,Shut up,and
Manners.So Sh*t falls out of the car and Manners goes to get
him. So now Shut up is driving the car ,he gets pulled over by a
cop. The cop says “what’s you’re name” he says,”Shut up” he
askes again,”what’s your name he says,”Shut up” the cop says,”
hey wheres you’re manners” , he says,”he’s over there picking up
SH*t.

1.Smear blood all over your white coat and stand out in the
store.When someone ask’s for your assistance,say in your most
gruesome voice “I don’t work here”
2.Pull your hand up through your sleeve until it disappears,walk
out into a crowd of customers,grab a roast and say”I hope I have
better luck this time”
3.When someone brings you a piece of meat that they want
cut,bring it to your machine,flip the switch and scream at the
top of your lungs
4.Name every piece of meat you display,talk to it like a
pet,scratch it,and say things like “See all better now” and
“Well Bob,Ol’ buddy-It was sure nice knowing ya”
5.Put a diaper on the rump roast
6.Splash warm water in your eyes,so it looks like you’re
crying,carry a whole chicken out into the store,look at anyone
in sight and say”Lung Cancer”-Better yet,use a smoked chicken in
that case
7.When someone asks you to cut the cheese,tighten up your
stomach muscles until your face gets really red,exhale and say
“Sorry,come back after lunch”
8.Set a chicken out into the middle of the floor,reach down and
roll it,as it’s rolling say “Get back here”
9.When you see someone buying hamburger,show them a package of
Tripe Menudo,and say “Here,the stomach will go great with that”
10.Display chicken feet,hound everyone to try one,the smell
alone will make them puke.
11.When asked to cut the bologna,look really discouraged,cry if
you can,and walk away like a pouty 5 year old
12.Snort like a pig when working with ham,say things like “She’s
a live one”–and “Someone wanna give this beauty a new home”
13.Bring your dog to work.Walk him into your work room,turn on
any loud machine,and then return to the store carrying nothing
but his collar,when people give you that puzzled look,say “He
was old”
14.Your bloody coat allows you to look mental,take advantage of
this-feel free to say things like “8 years gone because of that
bitch” and
“I’m hearing those voices again”
15.Wait on imaginary customers
16.Place a sign on your whole country ham that says
$11.99—Good with Children
17.Go to work with a live chicken in one hand,and a chainsaw in
the other.
18.Offer every lady to try your slab of meat
19.Take a hammer to a piece of steak and beat the hell out of
it.When someone courious enough to ask wonders what the hell
you’re doing say “Look man,I don’t like beating my meat in
public,but it does relieve tention”
20.Whenever you have to fart,rush out and grab a rump
roast–just say “It’s still a little gassy”

– Sabr�s que ser� un mal d�a cuando tu hermana gemela olvide tu cumplea�os.

– Sabr�s que ser� un mal d�a cuando te quieras poner la ropa de fiesta que usaste en la fiesta de ayer en la noche y descubras que nunca existi� esa ropa.

– Sabr�s que ser� un mal d�a cuando llames a la polic�a para suicidarte y te digan: Esp�rese un momento por favor.

– Sabr�s que ser� un mal d�a cuando te despiertes durmiendo boca abajo en el suelo.

– Sabr�s que tendr�s un mal d�a cuando te pongas el sujetador al rev�s y te encaje mejor.

1. Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don’t even go there)

Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very Bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

***************
2. Element Name: MANIUM

Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create electricity.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with any WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Tantilazing

Cierta vez llega Tarz�n a Cuba y es presentado al Comandante Fidel y le dice:

“�Hola, yo Tarz�n!”

Responde Fidel:

“�Hola, yo Castro!”

Responde Tarz�n:

“�Adi�s!”

1.Being told to “Think outside the Box” when I’m in a box all day!
2.Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is
behind me.
3.Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gun fire.

4.That nagging feeling that if I just press the right button, I will get a
piece of cheese.
5.Lack of roof rafters for the noose.
6.My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
7.Women: Darned near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
Men: Co-workers tend to stare when you take your pants off.
8.23 power cords, 1 outlet.
9.Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
10.When tours come through, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
11.Can’t slam the door when you quit and walk out.

The following our signs seen overseas where the actual message of the signs
became somewhat lost in the English translation.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
The lift is being fixed for the day. During that time we regret that you will
be unbearable.

In a Belgrade elevator:
To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter
more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then
going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:
Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:
Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 & 11 am
daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:
The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian orthodox Monastery:
You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel for skiers:
Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of
ascension.

On a menu in a Swiss restaurant:
Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

On a menu of a Polish hotel:
Salad a firm’s own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the
form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country
people’s fashion.

In a Tokyo hotel:
Please take advantage of the chambermaids.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:
For your convenience we recommend courteous, efficient self-service.

In a Hong Kong dress shop:
Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in
strict rotation.

From the Soviet weekly:
There will be a Moscow Exhibition of the Arts by 15,000 Soviet Republic
painters and sculptors. These were executed over the past two years.

In an East African newspaper:
A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape since the contractors have thrown
in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:
In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the porter.

In Germany’s Black Forest:
It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of
different sex, for instance, men & women, live together in one tent unless they
are married for that purpose.

An ad by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

A Russian chess book:
A lot of water has been passed under the bridge since this variation has been
played.

In the window of a Swedish furrier:
Fur coats made for the ladies from their own skin.

On a box of a clockwork toy in Hong Kong:
Guaranteed to work throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushu, Japan:
Stop—Drive sideways.

Swiss mountain inn:
Special today–no ice cream.

Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.

Moscow hotel room:
If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

Norwegian cocktail lounge:
Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the
guard on duty.

A notice in a Japanese hotel (ca. 1950):
Please not to steal towels. If you are not person to do such, please not to
read notice.

Office of a Roman doctor:
Specialist in women and other diseases.

Acapulco hotel:
The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you’ll find that they are best in the
long run.

Japanese instructions on an air conditioner:
Cooles & Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please
control yourself.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo:
When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him
melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him
with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
English well talking. Here speaking American.

A sign on the lion cage at a zoo in the Czech Republic:
No smoothen the lion

A Finnish hotel’s instructions in case of fire:
If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

In a Japanese restaurant (ca. 1950):
We reserve the right to serve refuse to anyone.

Turmoil rocked Heaven this morning as allegations arose that God had had an affair with a former worshipper. The scandal was begun when a 21 year old woman, known only as Mary, claimed that she had given birth to God’s “only son” last week in a barn in the hamlet of Bethlehem.Sources close to Mary claim that she “had loved God for a long time”, that she was constantly talking about her relationship with God, and that she was “thrilled to have had his child.” In a press conference this morning, God issued a vehement denial, saying that “No sexual relationship existed”, and that “the facts of this story will come out in time, verily”.Independent counsel Kenneth Beelzebub immediately filed a brief with the Justice department to expand his investigation to cover questions of whether any commandments may have been broken, and whether God had illegally funnelled laundered money to his illegitimate child through three foreign operatives know only as the “Wise Men”. Beelzebub has issued subpoenas to several angels who are rumoured to have acted as go-betweens in the affair.Critics have pointed out that these allegations have little to do with the charges that Beelzebub was originally appointed to investigate, that God had created large-scale flooding in order to cover up evidence of a failed land deal.In recent months, Beelzebub’s investigation has already been expanded to cover questions surrounding the large number of locusts that plagued God’s political opponents in the last election, as well as to claims that the destruction of the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah was to divert attention away from a scandal involving whether the give-away of a parcel of public land in Promised County to a Jewish special interest group was quid pro quo for political contributions.If these allegations prove to be true, then this could be a huge blow to God’s career, much of which has been spent crusading for stricter moral standards and harsher punishments for wrongdoers. Indeed, God recently outlined a “tough-on-crime” plan consisting of a series of 10 “Commandments”, which has been introduced in Congress in a bill by Rep. Moses. Critics of the bill have pointed out that it lacks any provisions for the rehabilitation of criminals, and lawyers for the ACLU are planning to fight the “Name in Vain” Commandment as being an unconstitutional restriction on free speech.

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store. While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a minor feature and asked the clerk about it.”What’s this little pocket thing here on the side for?” “Oh, that’s to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you’ve jogged too far.”” * S * O * L * D * ! ” the man exclaimed.

one day there was a jewish boy who failed in math.His parents decided to send him to all the great private schools but nothing worked.So his parents sent him to catholic school.All of a sudden his math grades improved to straight A’s.His parents asked him what inspired you to do so well in math.The boy replied:when i saw that guy nailed to a plus sign i knew they meant business.

Un ni�o est� resoviendo un crucigrama y le pregunta al padre:

“��rgano sexual femenino de cuatro letras?”

El padre se queda pensando:

“�Verticales u horizontales?”

“Horizontales”.

El tipo se queda de nuevo pensando y exclama:

“Est� claro… �La boca!”

-A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a
phone number.

-A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars
before breakfast.

-A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on
Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.

-Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not
his mother calling from the next room.

-A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but
can’t make a bed.

-A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours
studying for her driver’s license.

-A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music–loud and very loud.

-An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is
usually too tired to dry the dishes.

-A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.

-A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.

-A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.

-A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the
lawn needs mowing.

-An original thinker who is positive that her mother was never a
teenager.