Category: other

A fireman climbs up to the bedroom window of a burning house and finds a gorgeous blonde in a see through nightie.

“Aha! You’re the second pregnant girl I’ve rescued this year!”

“I’m not pregnant!” the blonde exclaims.

“You’re not rescued yet either.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday
evening that reads: Dear Wife (that’s what he called her): I am
54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the
Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him
that read as follows: Dear Husband (that’s what she called him):
I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at
the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy
toy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18
goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party. Then he had a bright idea. When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.

“What the hell are you supposed to be?” asked the host.

“A premature ejaculation.” said the man “I just came in my pants!”

It was medical graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.”Let’s try to make this look natural,” she said.”Junior, put your arm around your dad’s shoulder.”The father answered, “If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?”

There’s three people in a car ,there’s Sh*t ,Shut up,and
Manners.So Sh*t falls out of the car and Manners goes to get
him. So now Shut up is driving the car ,he gets pulled over by a
cop. The cop says “what’s you’re name” he says,”Shut up” he
askes again,”what’s your name he says,”Shut up” the cop says,”
hey wheres you’re manners” , he says,”he’s over there picking up
SH*t.

1.Smear blood all over your white coat and stand out in the
store.When someone ask’s for your assistance,say in your most
gruesome voice “I don’t work here”
2.Pull your hand up through your sleeve until it disappears,walk
out into a crowd of customers,grab a roast and say”I hope I have
better luck this time”
3.When someone brings you a piece of meat that they want
cut,bring it to your machine,flip the switch and scream at the
top of your lungs
4.Name every piece of meat you display,talk to it like a
pet,scratch it,and say things like “See all better now” and
“Well Bob,Ol’ buddy-It was sure nice knowing ya”
5.Put a diaper on the rump roast
6.Splash warm water in your eyes,so it looks like you’re
crying,carry a whole chicken out into the store,look at anyone
in sight and say”Lung Cancer”-Better yet,use a smoked chicken in
that case
7.When someone asks you to cut the cheese,tighten up your
stomach muscles until your face gets really red,exhale and say
“Sorry,come back after lunch”
8.Set a chicken out into the middle of the floor,reach down and
roll it,as it’s rolling say “Get back here”
9.When you see someone buying hamburger,show them a package of
Tripe Menudo,and say “Here,the stomach will go great with that”
10.Display chicken feet,hound everyone to try one,the smell
alone will make them puke.
11.When asked to cut the bologna,look really discouraged,cry if
you can,and walk away like a pouty 5 year old
12.Snort like a pig when working with ham,say things like “She’s
a live one”–and “Someone wanna give this beauty a new home”
13.Bring your dog to work.Walk him into your work room,turn on
any loud machine,and then return to the store carrying nothing
but his collar,when people give you that puzzled look,say “He
was old”
14.Your bloody coat allows you to look mental,take advantage of
this-feel free to say things like “8 years gone because of that
bitch” and
“I’m hearing those voices again”
15.Wait on imaginary customers
16.Place a sign on your whole country ham that says
$11.99—Good with Children
17.Go to work with a live chicken in one hand,and a chainsaw in
the other.
18.Offer every lady to try your slab of meat
19.Take a hammer to a piece of steak and beat the hell out of
it.When someone courious enough to ask wonders what the hell
you’re doing say “Look man,I don’t like beating my meat in
public,but it does relieve tention”
20.Whenever you have to fart,rush out and grab a rump
roast–just say “It’s still a little gassy”

– Sabr�s que ser� un mal d�a cuando tu hermana gemela olvide tu cumplea�os.

– Sabr�s que ser� un mal d�a cuando te quieras poner la ropa de fiesta que usaste en la fiesta de ayer en la noche y descubras que nunca existi� esa ropa.

– Sabr�s que ser� un mal d�a cuando llames a la polic�a para suicidarte y te digan: Esp�rese un momento por favor.

– Sabr�s que ser� un mal d�a cuando te despiertes durmiendo boca abajo en el suelo.

– Sabr�s que tendr�s un mal d�a cuando te pongas el sujetador al rev�s y te encaje mejor.

1. Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don’t even go there)

Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very Bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

***************
2. Element Name: MANIUM

Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create electricity.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with any WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Tantilazing

El once ha pasado a ser un n�mero inquietante. Podr�is decir que es casualidad forzada o simplemente una tonter�a, pero lo que est� claro es que hay cosas al menos interesantes. Y es que el mundo cuando confabula, confabula de verdad…

1) New York City tiene 11 letras.

2) Afghanistan tiene 11 letras.

3) “The Pentagon” o “El Pent�gono” tienen 11 letras, EN ESPA�OL E INGLES.

4) Ramsin Yuseb (Terrorista que atent� contra las torres gemelas en 1993) tiene 11 letras.

5) George W. Bush tiene 11 letras.

6) El c�digo de �rea para llamadas a IRAK es 119, que sumado da 1+1+9=11.

Hasta aqu�, meras coincidencias o casualidades forzadas. Ahora empieza lo interesante…

1) Nueva York es el estado n�mero 11 de la Uni�n Americana.

2) El primero de los vuelos estrellados contra las Torres Gemelas era el n�mero 11.

3) El vuelo 11 llevaba a bordo 92 personas, que sumando las cifras dan 9+2= 11.

4) El vuelo 77, que tambi�n se estrell�, llevaba a bordo 65 personas, que sumando dan 6+5 = 11.

5) La tragedia tuvo lugar el 11 de septiembre, es decir, el 11 del 9, que sumado da 1+1+9=11.

6) La fecha coincide con el n�mero de emergencia estadounidense el 911. Que sumado 9+1+1=11.

Y aqu� empieza lo inquietante…

1) Las v�ctimas totales que fallecieron en los aviones son 254. 2+5+4=11.

2) El d�a 11 de Septiembre, es el d�a n�mero 254 del a�o. 2+5+4=11.

3) A partir del 11 de septiembre restan 111 d�as para que finalice el a�o.

4) El famoso Nostradamus (11 letras) profetiza la destrucci�n de Nueva York en la centuria n�mero 11 de sus versos… Tenebroso �verdad?

Pero lo m�s chocante de todo es que si nos fijamos en las torres gemelas, nos damos cuenta de que sin duda ten�an forma de un gigantesco n�mero 11.

Llega Pepito del Campamento con dos bolsas de ropa sucia, a lo que su mam� le dice:

“�Pepito, me va a tomar todo un d�a lavar toda esa ropa!”

A lo que Pepito le contest�:

“�Mami, a mi me tomo una semana para ensuciarla!”

The moon shone silver on the waters of the lake, and the waves that were beating on the shore were hardly equal in intensity to the waves of passion nearby. One ardent couple paused long enough for the young man to whisper, “Darling am I the first man to make love to you ?”Her tone upon answering was slightly more than irritable.”Of course you are!” she said.”And also the best too. I don’t know why you men always ask the same old ridiculous questions.”

Morris the jeweller called the police station to report a robbery.”You’ll never believe what happened, Officer. A truck backed up to my store, the doors opened and an elephant came out. He broke my plate glass window, stuck his trunk in, sucked up all the jewellery and climbed back into the truck. The doors closed and the truck pulled away.” The desk sergeant said, “Could you tell me, for identification purposes, whether it was an Indian elephant or an African elephant?” “What’s the difference?” asked Morris.”Well,” said the sergeant, “an African elephant has great big ears and an Indian elephant has little ears.””Come to think of it, I couldn’t see his ears,” said the jeweller.”He had a stocking over his head.”