Category: other

1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.

3.) There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.

4.) People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.

7.) No matter what happens… somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

9.) Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

11.) Never lick a steak knife.

12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

13.) “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.

Un gerente de una compa��a petrolera ten�a una reunion con los altos ejecutivos de la empresa.

La esposa del gerente le pide que la lleve a la reuni�n para aprender algo. El esposo se niega y le dice: “Noooo, �est�s loca? Esa es una reuni�n muy importante y tu no me representas, eres ordinaria, mal vestida, grosera e imprudente.”

“Anda papi, ll�vame por favor, yo me portar� bien.”

“No, no, no, te dije que no, yo no me voy a arriesgar contigo en esa reuni�n, tu eres muy indiscreta.”

“Anda, papito, ll�vame por favor, te juro que me arreglo bien y no voy a decir nada.”

“Ok, mujer, te voy a llevar pero ponte la peluca amarilla que te regalo tu mam� porque tu tienes ese pelo muy feo. Y recuerda que tienes que ser muy discreta.”

La esposa muy contenta se arregla, se pone el mejor vestido y la peluca amarilla.

En la reunion hab�a una mesa muy larga. Los hombres estaban sentados de un lado y las mujeres del otro, y la esposa queda justo al frente de �l.

Comienza la reuni�n y al cabo de unos minutos, la esposa se empieza a rascar suavemente la peluca detr�s de la oreja, el esposo la v� y le dice en voz baja: “Tienes que ser discreta.”

Contin�a la reuni�n y al poco tiempo la esposa contin�a rasc�ndose la peluca pero m�s fuertemente, el esposo la observa y le abre los ojos y le dice: “�Que pasa? Te dije que fueras discreta.”

La reunion contin�a y la esposa empieza de nuevo a rascarse la peluca, pero esta vez con las dos manos, de una manera muy efusiva, se para de la silla como loca, mueve su cabeza para todos lados…

El esposo se altera, se levanta de la silla y gritando dice: �Pero bueno, mujer, que co�o pasa contigo, te dije que ten�as que tener discreci�n!”

Ella tambi�n alterada le grita: “�Que m�s discreta quieres que sea, si me est� picando el papo y me estoy rascando la peluca!”

At age 4, success is not peeing in your pantsAt age 16, success is “gettin’ a little”At age 25, success is graduation and a weddingAt age 35, success is about career and familyAt age 55, success is about graduations and weddingsAt age 65, success is “gettin’ a little”At age 90, success is not peeing in your pants

This old fellow in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat. His wife said, “Where are you going?”He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”She replied, “Why, are you sick?””No,” he said, “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”So, his wife got up out of her rocker and was putting on her sweater when he said, “Where are you going?”She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”He asked, “Why?”She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing again, I’m going to get a tetanus shot.”

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith. To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home.
“Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers,” the son said. “It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity.”

“Oi vey,” replied the father, “what have I done.” So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. “It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated his friend, “I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian.”

So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. “It is amazing that you should come to me,” stated the Rabbi, “I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons? Brothers, we must take this to the Lord,” said the Rabbi.

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, “Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel…”

Why can’t Chinese Barbecue?

Because the rice falls through the grill.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

What is the last thing they do to Tickle Me Elmo before he leaves the Factory?

They give him two Test-Tickles.

Parson Smith paid a visit to the Baldwin home. while he was there, he noticed targets everywhere he looked. On the barn, on the trees, on the well, and on the scarecrow. Incredibly, each one of the targets had a bullet hole right in the centre.”Wow!” exclaimed the parson, “who’s the marksman around here?” “I am”, said nine year old Billy Baldwin.”That’s Amazing, gushed the parson.”How can anyone be so perfect?””Oh, that’s easy.” said Billy, “I just drew circles around the bullet holes later.”

April 30th: Florida is fantastic! Just got here and love it already. Now this is a state that knows how to live! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! Watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I’ve finally found my home. I love it here.

May 14th: Really heating up. Got to 89 today. Not a problem, live in an air-conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I’m turning into a real sun worshipper.

June 5th: Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing for me. NO MORE SHOVELING SNOW EITHER! Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 1st: The temperature hasn’t been below 90 all week, not even at night. Where are those ocean breezes we heard about, still seems hot. Getting used to it will take a while, I guess. I sure miss my LP collection, though. I’ll have to remember not to leave anything made out of plastic in my car. Got one of those fuzzy steering wheel covers, Cheaper than the burn ointment for my hands. I always wondered what burnt flesh smelled like.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body.) Missed two days of work, what a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though: got to respect the ol’ sun in a climate like

this.

July 20th: I miss our cat, Tabby. He snuck into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got out to the hot car for lunch, he’d swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and just as I opened the door he exploded all over $2,000 worth of leather upholstery. I told the kids he ran away. The car now smells like Kibbles and poop. No more pets in this heat!

July 25th: Ocean breezes, my ass. Hot is hot!! The home air conditioner is on the fritz and AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me he needed to order parts. Only hope for a break in the heat would be a hurricane.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for three nights now. Swatting the swamp mosquitos that are as big as B-52’s. $1,500 in darn house payments and we can’t even go inside. Why did I ever come here?

Aug 4th: 100 degrees. Finally got the air conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to about 90. The electric bill is almost as much as the house payment. And two old lady drivers almost ran me off the road. I hate this state.

Aug 8th: If another wise jerk cracks, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ I’m going to tear his head off. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like roasted Garfield!!

Aug 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording: Hot and sunny. It’s been too hot two #@*& months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. And who came up with the statement ‘it may be hot, but at least you don’t have to shovel it’ should die from heat exhaustion. Doesn’t it ever rain in this God forsaken place??

Aug 14th: Welcome to Hell!!! Temperature got to 102 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the windshield out of the Mercedes. The installer came to fix it and said, ‘Hot enough for you today?’ My wife had to spend the $1,500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Aug 30th: Worst day of the summer. I’m not leaving the house. The monsoon rains finally came and all they did is to make it muggier than hell and drove the damned roaches out of the ground. I wasn’t aware they could fly! The Mercedes is now floating somewhere in the Caribbean with its new $500 windshield.

That does it, we’re moving back to Chicago where all you have to worry about is getting mugged. I hope this state breaks in half and floats down to Cuba!

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.

When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Everything can be filed under ‘miscellaneous’.

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of the cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

You’re so stupid you thought Puff Daddy was a brand of cigarettes.

Unos periodistas entrevistan a la madame de un puticlub de superlujo frecuentado por los altos cargos pol�ticos.

Periodista: �Qu� tal se portan los pol�ticos en la cama?

Madame: Bien, bien. �No culean nada mal!

P: �Y viene gente importante?

M: Todos los peces gordos.

P: �Y que tal pagan?

M: En general bastante bien… Bueno, Pujol siempre est�: ��Mmmjjjj manden la factura a la Generalitat �eh?, la pela es la pela�; pero acaban pagando bien.

P: �Y Arzallus viene mucho por aqu�?

M: �se es el que menos viene.

P: �Cada cu�nto?

M: Pues viene de tarde en tarde; saluda a su madre y enseguida se va.