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Un tipo est� cortejando a una mujer en un bar. En cierto punto de la conversaci�n le dice:
“�Aceptar�as hacer el amor conmigo por un mill�n de d�lares?”
Despu�s de pensarlo unos segundos, ella responde:
“Por un mill�n s� aceptar�a.”
“�Y por 20 d�lares?”
“�Qu� te pasa?,” responde ella indignada, “�acaso crees que soy una prostituta?”
“Lo que eres ya qued� claro en la primer pregunta. Ahora s�lo es una cuesti�n de precio…”
A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.”That should be obvious,” he responded, “the first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.”
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a flashlight.”
The woman says, “So do I. You’ve been eating grass for the past ten minutes!”
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Tantilazing
How do you know you’re at a bulimic bachelor party? When the cake jumps out of the girl!
What did the Grim Reaper say to St. Peter before visiting Frank.
Hey, I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse…
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal.
Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts.
All this is done with consummate ease – as you might expect from a Jedi Master.
But poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself.
Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, ‘Use the forks, Luke.’
Once upon a time NASA decided to send three astronauts to space for two years. One was American, One was Russian and the other was English. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The American decided to take along his wife, the Englishman decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, and the Russian decided to take along cigarettes. Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home. First came the American and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms. Next came the Englishman speaking fluent German. They both gave their speeches and got a rousing round of applause. Suddenly, out came the Russian with a cigarette in his mouth. He walked up to the podium, snarled at the crowd, and asked “Has anyone got a match?”
Three convicts are on their way to prison.
They were each allowed to take one item with them to help occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turns to another and asks, “So, what did you bring?”
The second convict pulls out a box of paints and states that he intends to paint anything he can get his hands on.
“I�ll be the Grandma Moses of jail,” he says, before asking the first, “So, what did you bring?”
The first convict pulls out a deck of cards, grins, and says, “I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games.”
The third convict, seeing what was going on, began to smile to himself.
The others, taking notice, ask him, “Why are you so smug? What did you bring?”
The guy pulls out a box of tampons and smiles. “I brought these,” he says.
Puzzled by his choice, the other two ask, “What can you do with those?”
Grinning, he points to the package and says, “Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating. . . .”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
1.) Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2.) If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.
3.) There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.
4.) People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5.) And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6.) You should not confuse your career with your life.
7.) No matter what happens… somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8.) When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.
9.) Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.
10.) A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
11.) Never lick a steak knife.
12.) Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
13.) “The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
14.) You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15.) Your REAL friends still love you anyway.
Un gerente de una compa��a petrolera ten�a una reunion con los altos ejecutivos de la empresa.
La esposa del gerente le pide que la lleve a la reuni�n para aprender algo. El esposo se niega y le dice: “Noooo, �est�s loca? Esa es una reuni�n muy importante y tu no me representas, eres ordinaria, mal vestida, grosera e imprudente.”
“Anda papi, ll�vame por favor, yo me portar� bien.”
“No, no, no, te dije que no, yo no me voy a arriesgar contigo en esa reuni�n, tu eres muy indiscreta.”
“Anda, papito, ll�vame por favor, te juro que me arreglo bien y no voy a decir nada.”
“Ok, mujer, te voy a llevar pero ponte la peluca amarilla que te regalo tu mam� porque tu tienes ese pelo muy feo. Y recuerda que tienes que ser muy discreta.”
La esposa muy contenta se arregla, se pone el mejor vestido y la peluca amarilla.
En la reunion hab�a una mesa muy larga. Los hombres estaban sentados de un lado y las mujeres del otro, y la esposa queda justo al frente de �l.
Comienza la reuni�n y al cabo de unos minutos, la esposa se empieza a rascar suavemente la peluca detr�s de la oreja, el esposo la v� y le dice en voz baja: “Tienes que ser discreta.”
Contin�a la reuni�n y al poco tiempo la esposa contin�a rasc�ndose la peluca pero m�s fuertemente, el esposo la observa y le abre los ojos y le dice: “�Que pasa? Te dije que fueras discreta.”
La reunion contin�a y la esposa empieza de nuevo a rascarse la peluca, pero esta vez con las dos manos, de una manera muy efusiva, se para de la silla como loca, mueve su cabeza para todos lados…
El esposo se altera, se levanta de la silla y gritando dice: �Pero bueno, mujer, que co�o pasa contigo, te dije que ten�as que tener discreci�n!”
Ella tambi�n alterada le grita: “�Que m�s discreta quieres que sea, si me est� picando el papo y me estoy rascando la peluca!”
Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was already so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.The doctor said, “Your heart would be just below your left breast.”Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Resulta que en cierta ciudad se estaban registrando robos de chicos en la salida de las guarder�as, por lo cual las maestras decidieron tomar precauciones y estar atentas en las salidas.
Un d�a, en la salida de los chicos, un se�or muy pero muy obeso baja de un auto. Entonces, al no reconocerlo como el padre de alg�n chico, una de las maestras lo observ� muy atentamente y luego, para confirmar si era un ladr�n o un padre, se le acerca al hombre y le pregunta:
“Se�or, �usted espera un hijo?”
“No, s�lo soy gordo”, responde confundido el tipo.