Category: other

There was once a farmer who had two horses. But he couldn’t tell
them apart. So he shaved the hair off one. It worked for a while
but then it grew back. So he shaved the tail on the other horse.
It also worked for a while but it grew back too. So he decided
to measure how tall the horses were. Here was his result:

The white horse is one inch taller than the black horse.

The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, ‘Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door is open?’

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

Calling her in, he asked, ‘By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing at attention?’

The secretary, who was quite witty, replied, ‘Why, no sir. all I saw was a little, disabled veteran, sitting on two duffel bags!’

A kid comes home from college. His father is a farmer, and he’s shovelling all the manure out of the outhouse onto the strawberries to fertilise them. The kid says, “Hey, Pop, learned in college there’s an easy way to do everything.”They go downtown and get some dynamite, they’re gonna rig it up under the outhouse and blow the crap into the strawberry patch. They get it all rigged up, but they don’t see Grandma coming to use the outhouse. BaBooom! The manure goes flying, and so does Grandma. Ploop!…she lands in the strawberries. They go running up to her, “Grandma, Grandma! My God, are you all right? Are you all right?”She says, “Yeah, I’m fine. Whoo! I’m certainly glad I didn’t let that one go in the kitchen!”

An American tourist goes into a restaurant in Spain and orders the specialty
of the house. When his dinner arrives, he asks the waiter what it is.

“These, senor,” replied the waiter in broken English, “are the arms of the
bull killed in the ring today.”

The tourist swallowed hard but tasted the dish and thought it was delicious.
So he comes back the next evening and orders the same item. When it is served,
he says to the waiter, “These arms… are much smaller than the ones I had last
night.”

“Yes, senor,” replied the waiter, “You see…the bull, he does not always
lose.

This guy enters a restaurant, and orders a milkshake, “Not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove man, in the groove.”

The cook, who hates to be told how to cook, hears this and gets pissed off, but sends him the milkshake.

The guy then orders a box of fries, “Not too crisp, not too soft, but in the groove man, in the groove.”

The cook is getting really pissed off at this, but he rolls up his sleeves and gets him the box of fries.

Then the guy orders a hamburger, “Not too big, not too small, but in the groove man, in the groove.”

On hearing this, the cook storms out and charges up to the guy, and says, “You can just kiss my ass, not too much to the left, not too much to the right, but in the groove man, in the grooove.”

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar. His first friend says: ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician. The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and they weren’t mine.’ His second friend says: ‘I think my wife is having an affair with the plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and it wasn’t mine.’ Paddy says: ‘I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.’ Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief. ‘No I’m serious. The other day I came home and found a jockey under our bed.’

Un homosexual entra a una carnicer�a y dice:

“Se�or carnicero �tiene salami?”

El carnicero pregunta:

“�Entero o en rodajas?”

Y el otro enojado le contesta:

“�Ay, degenerado! �qu� te pens�s que mi culo es una alcanc�a?”

Un tipo est� cortejando a una mujer en un bar. En cierto punto de la conversaci�n le dice:

“�Aceptar�as hacer el amor conmigo por un mill�n de d�lares?”

Despu�s de pensarlo unos segundos, ella responde:

“Por un mill�n s� aceptar�a.”

“�Y por 20 d�lares?”

“�Qu� te pasa?,” responde ella indignada, “�acaso crees que soy una prostituta?”

“Lo que eres ya qued� claro en la primer pregunta. Ahora s�lo es una cuesti�n de precio…”

A fire started on some grassland near a farm in Indiana. The fire department from the nearby town was called to put the fire out. The fire proved to be more than the small town fire department could handle, so someone suggested that a rural volunteer fire department be called. Though there was doubt that they would be of any assistance, the call was made.The volunteer fire department arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They drove straight towards the fire and stopped in the middle of the flames. The volunteer firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily controllable parts.The farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department’s work and so grateful that his farm had been spared, that he presented the volunteer fire department with a check for $1000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.”That should be obvious,” he responded, “the first thing we’re gonna do is get the brakes fixed on that stupid fire truck.”

God is sitting up in his ivory tower, tired and worn out. he’s had enough of
the pressures and stresses of being the number one, so he’s decided to take a
holiday. he calls all his super-being mates together to discuss a few
suggestions.
st. peter, thinking, nods his head, and then says, “how about mars? it’s nice
and warm there this time of year.” god shakes his head before answering, “nah i
went there 15,000 years ago. it was s***, no atmosphere and too dusty.”
“what about pluto?” suggests another? “no way!” god mutters. “i went there
10,000 years ago. f****** freezing it was too.”
“what about mercury?” says another? “are you kidding?” says god. “i went there
5,000 years ago, i nearly burnt me bollix off it was that hot, never again.”
“i’ve got it,” says st. peter, his face lighting up. “how about going down to
earth for your vacation?”

“you must be joking,” says god, chuckling, “i went there 2,000 years ago,
knocked up some jewish bird, and they’re still bloody talking about it.”

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.

“What would you say if I told you that I’ve been sleeping with your best friend?” she asked provocatively.

“Well,” he mused, “I’d have to say that you’re a lesbian!”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in the first class carriage of a train. The man sneezes, pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.

The woman can’t believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again and again he pulls out his penis and wipes the tip.

The woman is about to go nuts. She can’t believe that such a rude person exists. A few more minutes pass and the man sneezes again. He again takes his penis out and wipes the tip.

The woman has finally had enough.

She turns to the man and says, ‘Three times you’ve sneezed, and three times you’ve removed your penis from your pants to wipe it. What kind of degenerate are you?’

The man replies, ‘I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma’am. I have a very rare condition that means when I sneeze, I have an orgasm.’

The woman, now feeling badly, says, ‘Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?’

The man looks at her and says, ‘Pepper’