Category: other

…and then Adam said to Eve,

“Hey! I wear the plants in this family!”

Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men -Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” its “Hi, how are you?” -Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. -Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N. Carolina A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. -Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas,Texas Express Lane: Five beers or less. -Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA You’re too good for him. -Sign over mirror Women’s room, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hills, CA No wonder you always go home alone. -Sign over mirror in Men’s room, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open. -Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can’t take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington. -Men’s room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington Beauty is only a light switch away. -Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. -Armand’s Pizza, Washington, D.C. Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die. -Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. -Men’s restroom, Lynagh’s, Lexington, KY

A motorist from the big city filled up at a small petrol station and found he had a flat tyre. He went to the garage store and asked an attendant: “Have you an air line here?” The attendant replied: “No, but there is usually a bus every hour.”

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter: Mother: “What does the cow say?” Child: “Moooo!” Mother: “Great! What does the cat say?” Child: “Meow.” Mother: “Oh, you’re so smart! What does the frog say?” The wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at her mother and replied, “Bud.”

A man was taking a walk one day when he passed a door with a sign on it that read : ” Brave man needed for a couple of simple tasks – $2000 ” The man thought to himself that this could be some easy money, so he went inside.

The owner explained that he had 3 simple tasks for the man:

1) Empty 2 crates of illegal imported whiskey – none may be taken with him.

2) Pull a rotten tooth of a blood crazed lion.

3) Make passionate love to a dumb blonde.

The man started right away on the 2 crates of whiskey. After a few hours he went to the room with the lion. All you could hear was the lion going mad and roaring. After about half an hour of screems and wrestling the man came back to the owner and asked “Where izz that blonde with a rottten toothhh??”

The daughter of an Indian chief visits his doctor. She tells the doctor “Big Chief no fart.”

The doctor tells her to give him three pills a day.

The girl comes back the next day and tells the doctor, “Big Chief no fart.”

The doctor then gets really worried and tells her to give him ten pills an hour.

The girl comes back the next day and says, “Big Chief no fart.”

After hearing this the doctor gets so pissed off that he tells her to give him a jar an hour.

The next day the girl comes back crying and says “Big fart no Chief!”

There was a young lady from france

who got on a bus in a trance

everyone f***** her

apart from the conductor

but he came twice in his pants.

One night, God spoke to a preacher to tell him what he wanted him to do.

After God had briefed him on his mission, the minister decided to ask him a
question.

�God,� he said, �What is heaven like?�

God replied, �Well, normally I don’t tell people this, but since you are my
servant, I guess I can tell you. Heaven will be like a city. It will have the
best of everything. For example, the French will be the chefs; the Italians will
be the lovers; the English will be the policeman; the Germans will be the
mechanics; and the Dutch will be the politicians!�

The man looked pleased. �What is hell like?� he asked.

�Well,� he said with a sigh, �the French will be the mechanics; the Italians
will be the politicians; the English will be the chefs; the Germans will be the
policemen; and the Dutch will be the lovers.�

According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of
ameliorating. If anything, it’s getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that
Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its
branches.

Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is (you guessed it!) going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 back-office staff
at Karate Bank got the chop.

Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff
there fear they may get a raw deal.

BUDDISM You have two cows. You do not desire
their milk so you are not unhappy when it is
unavailable. Your lack of desire and dependency
on external sources of happiness is about to let you escape the cycle of life
and suffering (so that you
don’t get reincarnated into a cow), but then the
Chinese come and destroy or take away
everything that’s yours.

Three very macho mice are standing around trying to outdo each other. The first mouse says, “You know those little pellets they put out around the house trying to poison us? I love those things. I eat ’em like candy.”The second mouse, not to be outdone says, “Oh yeah? Well, you know those mousetraps they put out to try to catch us? What I do is get on the trap, grab the cheese, and then flip over onto my back, and when the steel bar comes swinging down I grab it and do bench presses with it.”The third mouse says, “You guys are really a couple of tough mice, and I’d love to keep hangin’ out with you here, but I gotta go screw the cat.”

There’s three guys on the beach and they all three notice a bottle in
the ocean and all go to grab it at the same time. A genie pops out and
says, “I can only offer three wishes, so you each get one wish”.

The first guy, who is a Jew, says “I want all of my Jewish
brethren to move back to Jeruselem and live happily ever after”.

The genie says, “Fine, it’s done”.

The second guy, who is a Negro, says “I want all my bruthas to
move back to Africa and live in total harmony”.

The genie says, “Fine, it’s done”.

The third guy, an Alabama Redneck says “Now let me get this
straight, All the Jews are in Jeruselem and all the Negroes are in
Africa?”

The genie says, “That’s correct”.

“Well hell”, the Redneck says, “Just give me an Ol’ Milwalkee
’cause life don’t get no better than this”.