Category: other

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug”. She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.”A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss”. She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.”Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich”.She says, “Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”

What three words will a Jewish American Princess never hear?

“Attention K-mart shoppers”

Last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.

Only two applicants showed up: a male and a female.

The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer, so he would choose the one with the best act.

At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared, since she came to the interview in a very long flowing cape, with a whip & chair. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

The man’s only distinguishing feature was a soggy cigar stuffed between his cracked and leathery lips.

The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, “Ladies before Gentleman.”

So the lady asked for her special music to be played, and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, tossed back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

The tiger then circled her, sniffing the air,… then suddenly leaped toward her, put its face between her legs and started licking.

She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears with her thighs. She rode on the tiger’s face all around the cage.

Then the owner looked at the man and said, “That’s quite an act,… Think you can do better than that?”

The man spit out his cigar, licked his lips and said, “No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage!”

Estaban dos compadres platicando, y le dice uno al otro:

“Compadre, creo que mi vieja me est� enga�ando con un cartero.”

“�Por qu� compadre?”

Porque el otro d�a encontr� unas cartas debajo de la cama.”

“Eso no es nada, yo creo que mi mujer me enga�a con un caballo.”

“�Y eso por qu�?”

“Porque el otro d�a encontr� un jinete debajo de la cama.”

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn’t help but comment, “The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.” “Well, sir,” the attendant replied with a grin, “You’re really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.”

One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended a kosher place nearby. They arrived and Dubya’s friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup. The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friend urged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soup and clearly liked it. After Dubya was finished he said, “Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewish folks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?”

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.

The first has no arms.

The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.

They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast.

The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.

He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, “Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

A guy stops over his friends house and only the wife is home. She invites him in. He says, I’ll give you $100 if you show me one of your breasts. She agrees and shows him one.

He pulls another $100 bill out of his pocket and says I’ll give you this other $100 if you show me your other breast.

She agrees and shows him the other one.

He says that was really nice, thanks her and leaves. When her husband gets home she tells him that his buddy stopped over.

He says “great, did he drop off the $200 he owes me?”

Doctor: Well, I have good news and bad news. Patient: Go with the good news first. Doctor: You have 24 hours to live. Patient: What?! How about the bad news? Doctor: I forgot to call you yesterday.

Titanic vs. Clinton (some amazing similarities)TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet. CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet.TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long. CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long.TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe. CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe.TITANIC VIDEO: Villain: White Star Line. CLINTON VIDEO: Villain: Ken Starr.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a B.S. artist.TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill.TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined. CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica.TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit. CLINTON VIDEO: Let’s not go there.TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry. CLINTON VIDEO: Monica’s forced to return her gifts.TITANIC VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular. CLINTON VIDEO: Behind the scenes: Bill Clinton’s approval rating is at 70%TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death. CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary.

…and then Adam said to Eve,

“Hey! I wear the plants in this family!”

Friends don’t let friends take home ugly men -Women’s restroom, Starboard, Dewey Beach, DE Remember, it’s not, “How high are you?” its “Hi, how are you?” -Rest stop off Route 81, West Virginia No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. -Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill, N. Carolina A Woman’s Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you’re going to have trouble with it. -Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas,Texas Express Lane: Five beers or less. -Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA You’re too good for him. -Sign over mirror Women’s room, Ed Debevics, Beverly Hills, CA No wonder you always go home alone. -Sign over mirror in Men’s room, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hills, CA The best way to a man’s heart is to saw his breast plate open. -Women’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL If you voted for Clinton in the last election, you can’t take a dump here. Your asshole is in Washington. -Men’s room Outback Steakhouse, Tacoma, Washington Beauty is only a light switch away. -Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let’s all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. -Armand’s Pizza, Washington, D.C. Don’t trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn’t die. -Men’s restroom, Murphy’s, Champaign, IL What are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands. -Men’s restroom, Lynagh’s, Lexington, KY