Category: other

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to
her and say, “Hi, I’m great in bed, how about it?”.
– That’s Direct Marketing.

They say that it’s tough to learn Bosnian because it has seven verb tenses:
six past, one present, and no future.

the pig fell in the mud

Whey did the chicken cross the road?
To show the deer how to do it.

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

10 posters to claim the light bulb failed because of George Bush’s policies.

20 to denounce those 10 and blame the failure on the previous administration.

1 to say that if you were any damn good at all you wouldn’t need the freaking light bulb.

3 to say that those of you talking about light bulbs aren’t working and should get back to work.

1 to say there’s really 7 that are burned out, the government’s lying to us that there’s only 1.

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Calamjo

John: “My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth.” Dave: “Really? What did he get?” John: “Fifteen years.”

if a deaf person swears does his parents wash his hands

What is a Japanese girl’s favorite holiday?

– Erection Day.

At a local college dance, a guy from America asked the girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America, we call this a hug”. She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.”A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss”. She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.”Towards the end of the night, and a lot of drinks later, he takes her out on the campus lawn, and proceeds to have sex with her, and says, “In America, we call this a grass sandwich”.She says, “Yaaah in Sveden, we call it a grass sandwich too, but we usually put more meat in it.”

What three words will a Jewish American Princess never hear?

“Attention K-mart shoppers”

A man and woman had a son but when he was born all he was was a head. The
doctors didn’t expect him to live very long. But the boy survived, so on his
eighteenth birthday his father took him out to a bar for a drink.
The father ordered his son a scotch and when the boy drank it, out popped an
arm. He was ecstatic so he drank another shot, and out popped another arm. Now
the boy was in glee, so he drank another shot, and out popped a torso. And so on
and so forth, until there was a whole body.

The boy was so happy that he ran out of the bar and into the street and got
hit by a truck, killing him instantly. A drunkard in the corner looked at the
father and said, “He shoulda quit while he was a head!”

10 Words That Don’t Exist, But Should:

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks’ trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPERPETUATION (kar’ pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt’) v. To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow ‘remove’ all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon’ iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

5. FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak’ to man guy lay’ shun) n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the ‘illegal’ side.

7. PEPPIER (pehp ee ay’) n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8 PHONESIA (fo nee’ zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

9. PUPKUS (pup’kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10.TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay’ shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.