Category: other

What do you call three girls under a Christmas tree

hoe hoe hoe

When God created the earth, Adam & Eve, he found he had two baubles left over. He came to Adam & Eve & said, “I have two things left. One is the gift to piss while standing up.”

Adam got very excited: “Oh, that would be so great, I would really like that. If I’m out in the fields, I can just go right there.”

So Eve smiled & said, “Okay, it sounds like he really wants that.”
As Adam tried out his new gift, he asked out of curiousity, “What was the other gift?”

“Oh,” God said, looking, “Multiple orgasms.”

It has become pretty obvious to us Southerners that our present
astrological signs have served their purpose and that we should get rid of
them. When I’m out driving around I’ll see bulls, and once in a great
while I suppose I’ll even see a ram. Up the street from me there’s some
twins, but I don’t see them much. The rest of these things are just too
obscure. You only see crabs on vacation. There are no lions or scorpions,
not many archers and no damn water bearers. Virgins? The neighborhood’s
not crawling with them either. SO, what we need here is some relevance. We
need things we can recognize up there in the night sky.

OKRA Dec 22 – Jan 20

Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okra
have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and
see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.

CHITLIN Jan 21 – Feb 19

Chitlins often come from humble backgrounds. Many times they’re
uncomfortable talking about just where they came from. A chitlin, however,
can make something of himself if he’s motivated and has plenty of
seasoning. When it comes to dealing with Chitlins, be very careful.
Chitlins can burn and then erupt like Vesuvius, and this can make for a
really terrible mess. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra. Remember
that when marriage time rolls around.

BOLL WEEVIL Feb 20 – Mar 20

You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of
things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything.
Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner
hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry
about it.

MOON PIE Mar 21 – Apr 20

You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It’s a cinch
to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. “Big” and “round” are
the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely
interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. This might be the year
to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM Apr 21 – May 21

When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to
withdraw and develop a “don’t-bother-me-about-it” attitude. Sometimes you
become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is
probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day,
however, it won’t work, and you may find your problems actually running you
over.

CRAWFISH May 22 – Jun 21

Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re always hanging
around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the
pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the livingroom. You tend not to be
particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS Jun 22-Jul 23

Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the “melting
pot” of life and share their essence with the essences of those around
them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball
managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay
away from Moon Pies. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of
heartache.

CATFISH Jul 24 – Aug 23

Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, with one exception:
Whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy
people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of
life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS Aug 24 – Sep 23

Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle
together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel, though, so
maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go?
Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can
go somewhere where they have all these things, that serves you well.

BOILED PEANUTS Sep 24 – Oct 23

You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those
who know you best –your friends and loved ones– may find that your
personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you
deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go
right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours
is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will
always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN Oct 24 – Nov 22

Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with
everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine
of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next
to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon
Pies.

ARMADILLO Nov 23 – Dec 21

You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite
gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit,
worms and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s
fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re
really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You
probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another, somewhat
kinky, mating possibility.

A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute, when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.

“Would ya look at that Darby!” said Pat. “What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!”

They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.

A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.

“Did ya see that Darby?” Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. “Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can’t understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. Tis a shame, I tell ya!”

Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.

“Oh no, Darby look!” Said Pat removing his cap. “One of the poor girls musta died.”

Young Dave was courting Mabel, who lived on an adjoining farm out west in cattle country. One evening, as they were sitting on Dave’s porch watching the sun go down over the hills, Dave spied his prize bull doing the business on one of his cows. He sighed in contentment at this idyllic rural scene and figured the omens were right for him to put the hard word on Mabel.

He leaned in close and whispered in her ear, “Mabel, I’d sure like to be doing what that bull is doing.”

“Well then, why don’t you? “Mabel whispered back. “It is YOUR cow.”

A man went to the mall this last week to buy Valentines’ cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him. He muttered out loud, “I wonder if they have anything for ex-wives.”The clerk behind the counter said, “Oh, yes sir, they most certainly do have an ‘ex’ category, but they’re in Sporting Goods.””Really?””Yes sir. They’re called Darts.”

the pig fell in the mud

They say that it’s tough to learn Bosnian because it has seven verb tenses:
six past, one present, and no future.

Whey did the chicken cross the road?
To show the deer how to do it.

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

10 posters to claim the light bulb failed because of George Bush’s policies.

20 to denounce those 10 and blame the failure on the previous administration.

1 to say that if you were any damn good at all you wouldn’t need the freaking light bulb.

3 to say that those of you talking about light bulbs aren’t working and should get back to work.

1 to say there’s really 7 that are burned out, the government’s lying to us that there’s only 1.

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Calamjo

John: “My uncle in Detroit tried to make a new kind of car. He took the engine from a Ford, the transmission from an Oldsmobile, the tires from a Cadillac, and the exhaust system from a Plymouth.” Dave: “Really? What did he get?” John: “Fifteen years.”

if a deaf person swears does his parents wash his hands