Category: other

Jan 1: Catch up on gardening–sew leaves back onto trees. Do all cooking for 1997.

Jan 2: Take dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble.

Jan 3: Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth.

Jan 4: Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks.

Jan 5: Lay Faberge egg.

Jan 6: Freshen air in home by sliding a dozen Dr. Scholl’s shoe inserts into heat pump.

Jan 7: Visit crematorium. Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts.

Jan 8: Culture ancient DNA into dinosaurs for nieces and nephews.

Jan 9: Receive delivery of new phone books. Old ones make ideal personal address books; simply cross out the names of all the people you do not know.

Jan 10: Finish needlepoint colostomy cozy.

Jan 11: Organize spice racks by genus and phylum.

Jan 12: Attend workshop on obsessive-compulsive disorders. Take verbatim notes.

Jan 13: Address sympathy cards for all friends with elderly relatives, so that they’re all ready to be mailed the moment death occurs.

Jan 14: Replace air in mini van tires with Glad air freshener in case tires are shot out at the mall.

Jan 15: MLK birthday. Find out who MLK is.

Jan 16: Get new eyeglasses; grind lenses myself

Jan 17: Using candlewick and hand-gilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o’-nine-tails. Flog gardener.

Jan 18: Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru with mocha trim.

Jan 19: Update enemies list. Place in hermetically sealed vault. Remove air, replace with nitrogen.

“Llevo casado veinte a�os y sigo enamorado de la misma mujer.”

“�Eso es maravilloso, qu� bonito…!”

“�Si? �Pues c�mo se entere mi mujer me mata!”

Hank Smith gets home from work one day and finds his wife has been crying.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“John, promise you won’t get mad, but I went to see the new doctor today and he told me I’ve got a pretty pussy.”

“WHAT?” he shouts. With that he grabs a baseball bat from the closet and storms down to the doctor’s office and through the reception area.

Without knocking he bursts into the doctor’s office.

The doctor is in the process of giving an old lady a breast examination. She screams and tries to cover herself.

Without waiting, Mr. Smith charges up to the doctor, smashes the baseball bat down on the desk and says, “You flaming pervert how dare you say my wife has a pretty pussy!”

The doctor replies, “I’m sorry Mr. Smith, but there has been a misunderstanding. I only told your wife that she has Acute Angina.”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis

“Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn’t drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.

No further testing is planned.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come
into his office.

“What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place
you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds
familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees
by their last name only… Smith, Jones, Baker… that’s all. I am to be
referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your
last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

A man (Mike) and a woman (Sandra) were stranded on a deserted island for many years. They weren’t really in love, but they liked one another very well. They sort of depended on one another as “husband and wife” in their stranded situation.

The morning following a bad storm, a new guy (Joe) washed up on shore. After Joe got to feeling better and had a bit of rest and food, Joe and Sandra immediately realized they shared a VERY strong attraction for one another, but they realized that certain protocols would have to be observed to not upset Mike.

Mike, oblivious to the pheromones floating around, was just glad to have someone new to talk to. “This is wonderful! Now we’ll be able to have three people doing 8-hour shifts in the watchtower instead of two people doing 12-hour shifts,” Mike commented enthusiastically. Joe was only too happy to help, and in fact volunteered to do the first shift. He climbed up the tall tower and stood watch, scanning the ocean horizon for any ships.

Soon Mike and Sandra started placing stones in a circle in order to make a fire to cook supper. Joe yelled down, “Hey, no screwing!”

Mike and Sandra looked at each other with a question on their faces, and yelled back, “We’re not screwing!”

A few minetes later, they started to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again Joe yelled down, “Heeey, no screwing!”

Again they yell back up to Joe, “We’re not screwing!”

Later they started putting palm leaves on the roof of the shack to patch leaks. Once again, Joe, the new man, yelled down from high above, “Hey, I said no screwing!!”

The two below yelled back up to Joe, “And we said we’re *not* screwing! Can’t you see that?”

Finally Joe’s eight hour shift was over and Joe climbed down from the tower and Mike started to climb up to take his place. By the time Mike got halfway up, Joe and Sandra were already screwing their brains out.

Once at the top, Mike turned around and looked down and said to himself, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing!”

What were there only 900 mexicans at the Alamo?

Because they only took two cars.

Why do so many Scottish people have double glazing on their windows?

To stop there children from hearing the ice cream van!

If you can’t get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don’t be irreplaceable, if you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what you’re going to do.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

Keep your boss’s boss off your boss’s back.

Everything can be filed under “miscellaneous.”

Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn’t the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn’t.

If it wasn’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Following the rules will not get the job done.

Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, “How would the Lone Ranger handle this?”

No matter how much you do, you never do enough.

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

A fish hit its head on a cement wall.”Dam.”

Why do black people have nightmares?

Because the last one that had a dream got killed!

El avi�n donde viajan dos frailes franciscanos sufre una falla y se lanzan por el paracaidas. A uno de ellos no le da tiempo de ponerse los chones y se lanza solo con su h�bito y se dirige hacia un convento de madres capuchinas; una de ellas mira al cielo y ve que algo viene cayendo al convento y se dirige a la madre superiora:

“�Madre un angelo, un angelo!”

“�Y vola!”

“�Si, duo bola madre, duo bola!”