Category: other

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around, does he become
disoriented?

There is this guy who really takes care of his body. He lifts weights and jogs six miles every day.

One morning he looks into the mirror and admires his body and notices that he is suntanned all over with the one exception of his penis, which he readily decides to do something about.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he leaves sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, she begins to move it around with the cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she says, “There is really no justice in the world.”

The other little old lady says, “What do you mean by that?”

The first little old lady says, “Look at that – When I was 20 – I was curious about it. When I was 30 – I enjoyed it. When I was 40 – I asked for it. When I was 50 – I paid for it. When I was 60 – I prayed for it. When I was 70 – I forgot about it. Now that I’m 80, the damn things are growing wild, and I’m too old to squat!”

Una ni�a se dirige a su madre:

“Mam�, �cu�ntos tipos de hombres hay?”.

Sorprendida, la mujer le responde:

“Mira hija, los hombres durante su vida pasan por tres fases:

Antes de los 29 son como el arbusto del jard�n: duros y bien dispuestos.
Hasta los 49 son como el roble: fuertes y confiables.
Y a partir de los 50 son como los arbolitos de Navidad: con las bolitas de adorno”.

What do you call a pregnant Black woman?
A dope carrier!

Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. He’s got two large
bags over his shoulders. The guard stops him and says, “What’s in the
bags?”

“Sand,” answers Juan.

The guard says, “We’ll just see about that ~ get off the bike.” The guard
takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing
in them but sand. He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed,
only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the
man’s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

A week later, the same thing happens. The guard asks, “What have you got?”

“Sand,” says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags
contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, who crosses the
border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events if repeated every week for three years. Finally,
Juan doesn’t show up one day and the guard meets him in a cantina in
Mexico.

“Hey, Buddy,” says the guard, “I know you are smuggling something. It’s
driving me crazy. It’s all I think about. I can’t sleep. Just between you
and me, what are you smuggling?”

Juan sips his beer and says, “Bicycles.”

Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, “They’re driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I’m half-way to the nut hatch.””What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself,” her friend said.So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.”Superb! I can’t believe it,” Mary said.”I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don’t bother me one bit!”

Un chaval le pregunta a otro:

“�Que quieres ser de mayor?”

“�Yo? Imb�cil”.

“�Por qu�?”

“Porque mi padre siempre dice: �Qu� de pasta tiene ese imb�cil! �Qu� t�a m�s buena sale con este imb�cil! �Qu� cochazo tiene ese imb�cil!”

• Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
• Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
• Insist that your e-mail address be “[email protected]” (or “[email protected]”)
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
• Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
• Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
• Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.
• Come to work in your pajamas.
• Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
• Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
• Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point Sparky.” “No I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”
• Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
• Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
• Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
• Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
• Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
• Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me I’ll be in the bathroom.”
• No matter what anyone asks you, reply “Okay.”
• Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
• Grow mold in your coffee cup.
• Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
• Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk in a loud voice. Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
• When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, “I think my phone is ringing” and leave. Go get a coffee.
• Determine how many cups of coffee is “too many.”
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
• Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.
• “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
• Hang mistletoe over your desk.
• Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn’t turn out quite right as special treats for your co-workers.
• While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in “Palmolive”.
• Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
• Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
• For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
• Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc… in the lunchroom, when people complain that there was none… Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh you’ve got to be faster than that.” See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.
• Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
• Put those hole reinforcing circles on the center of you eyeglasses. Now go to that executive meeting.
• Put shaving foam on your bosses telephone earpiece. Dial the number. When he/she answers, say “Sqwish.”
• Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky middle names. Example: Bobby “Pud” McNeel.
• Change the message on the company voice mail system. Get “Creative”.

One day a guy picks up a hooker. He takes her to a fleabag motel, and they get undressed and get into bed. He gets excited and they go ahead and start messing around. He puts his knob into her and commences to screw her, when he notices that her insides are rough, and are scratching the daylights out of him. Guy says,”Baby, your pussy is killing me. What’s the problem?” She replies, “Excuse me for a minute.” She goes into the bathroom, then returns. They start to have sex again, and he notices it is smooth, and even quite lubricated. They get done, and he asks,” What happened? It was so rough, and then when you got back, it was great. What did you do?” She replies, “Oh, I just picked off the scabs.”

What do lesbians do when they have their periods? Finger paint

Why don’t Mexicans have Drivers ED and Sex ED on the same day??

It’s too hard on the donkey….!!!

A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office. “You’ve been billing us for weekly house calls to Mr.Ivanov for the last six months. Haven’t you noticed that Mr.Ivanov has passed away?”

“Sure I noticed! He was my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery.”