Category: other

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They’d have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side’s dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. The used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it. “When the day came for the fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. “When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out and wrapped itself around the outside of the ring. It had the Russian dog almost completely surrounded. When the Russian dog leaned over to bite the Dachshund’s neck, the Dachshund leaned up and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. `We don’t understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler bitches in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves.” “That’s nothing”, an American replied. “We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years trying to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.'”

There were these three prisoners in a German POW camp, and they were Australian, American, and Irish. The commandant was a real mean prick and he was going to shoot his three captives unless their combined dick length was in excess of 20 inches.

So the three POWs have their cocks measured and it turned out their combined dick length was 20 inches exactly, so they were spared.

Later on the three were talking, and the Australian said “Well if it wasn’t for my 10 inch dick we’d all be dead.”

The American says “Na, if it wasn’t for my 8 inch dick then we’d all be dead.”

Then the Irishman says “If I didn’t have a hard on, we’d all be dead.”

1. Large choice of languages

2. Fleshy actresses

3. Taj Mahal

4. Chicken Tikka Massala

5. Can model volatility and money at risk in 7 computer languages

6. Can communicate chiefly with head movements

7. A Patel is never lonely in the phone book

8. Kapil Dev

9. Keep saying “please” meaning it

10. 6 spicy papadums, pickles and a Kingfisher

First man: Hey did you know that my airplane got caught in a heavy
storm. The engine was leaking and it was raining.

Second Man: Then it is a miracle that you landed safely on the
ground and nothing happened to you.

First Man: Who said the airplane was flying?!!

A man is walking his dog when the dog suddenly drops dead. He rushes the dog to the vet and says, “Doc, you have to help my dog. He has been with me for 15 years and is so special to me!”

The vet examines the dog and tells the owner that his dog is dead.

“I want a second opinion!”

So the vet goes in the back and brings out a labrador retriever.

The labrador jumps up on the table and starts licking the dog. There is no movement.

The vet says, “Your dog is dead.”

“I want a third opinion!”

The vet goes in the back and brings out a cat. The cat jumps up on the table and starts scratching and mauling the dog. Still the dog doesn’t move.

The man says, “Doc, I guess you are right. How much do I owe you?”

“Four hundred eighty dollars.”

“Four hundred eighty dollars! Just to tell me my dog is dead?!”

“No, that’s only eighty dollars. The other four hundred is for the lab work and a cat scan!”

Pepillo ten�a hongos en los pies y un amigo le dijo que �l sab�a como quit�rselos; s�lo ten�a que ir a cuatro casas y tocar, y cuando le preguntaran “�qui�n es?” decirles “hongos en los pies” y as� los hongos se les pasar�an a los que viv�an en esas casas y se le quitar�an a �l.

As� que Pepillo va a la primera casa y toca y cuando preguntan “�qui�n es?” responde “hongos en los pies” y sale corriendo a madres. Luego va a su segunda casa y toca y preguntan “�qui�n es?” “hongos en los pies” y as� hasta completar las cuatro. Y cuando ya est� de regreso en su casa se quita el zapato y el calcet�n y ve que ya no tiene hongos en los pies.

En eso tocan a la puerta de su casa y pensando que le puedan hacer lo mismo, dice: “�Qu� rollo?”

Y le responden: “Almorranas en el hoyo.”

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce. The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”

The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there too? I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”

The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there, too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

Upset that he did not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce sped away, and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered that a bed be installed in the back of the Rolls. The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picked up the car, and the bed looked superb, complete with silk sheets and brass trim. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drove all day. Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside. The driver of the Rolls got out and knocked on the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he knocked and knocked, and eventually the owner stuck his head out, soaking wet.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly!

The driver of the Yugo looked at him and said, “You got me out of the shower for that!”

How do you know whether a limousine is owned by a Jew?

He’s got a pay phone at the back.

The businesswoman, in town for an important meeting, checked into her room at the swank hotel and unpacked her bags.

Noticing that her best suit had been badly wrinkled during her flight, she telephoned the desk and asked the hotel’s valet service to pick it up for pressing.

Almost immediately after she hung up the phone, a knock sounded at the door, and there stood an elderly Chinaman, waiting.

Impressed by the fast service, the career woman exclaimed, “My, you come lickety-split!”

“No, ma’am,” replied the elderly Chinaman. “Come to get laundry.”

Two Jewish men are sitting in a cafe. One asks, “So what’s new?” The second replies, “My son — my pride and joy — has decided to become a Catholic.” The first replies, “Funny you should mention it — ten years ago my son did exactly the same thing!”So they decide to go to the synagogue and talk with the Rabbi. THey tell the Rabbi their plight, and the Rabbi says, “Funny you should mention it. 25 years ago, my son did the same thing. As you can see, it did not change my faith.”So they decide to pray. Halfway through the first prayer, the first man blurts out, “Dear G-d! My son has left the faith and become a Catholic!” And a big booming voice from above says, “Funny you should mention it ….”

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation:”Yes, mother, I’ve had a hard day. Gladys has been most difficult – I know I ought to be more firm, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is.”Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was a vile creature who would make my life miserable and you begged me not to marry her.”You were perfectly right.”You want to speak with her? All right.” He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room:”Gladys, your mother wants to talk to you!”

“Oye, Manolo, �qu� d�a es hoy?”

“No lo s�. Espera, que le pregunto a mi mujer”.

“Pilarica, �qu� es hoy?”

“�T�, un impotente!”

“No, mujer, de d�a”.

“�Un gilipollas!”