Category: other

A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she accidentally breaks wind. Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident. She turns and sees that standing next to her is a salesman.

“Good day M’am. How may I help you today?”

Very uncomfortable she asks, “Sir how much does this rug cost?”

He answers, “Lady, you farted just touching it. You’re gonna shit when you hear the price.”

Yo’ mama so fat, when fighter pilots see her they say, “Bogie at 11, 12, 1, 2,
and 3 o’clock.”

Diet for Stress How’s your stress level? This should help. It is more than a diet, so read on… This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

Breakfast:

1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz. skim milk

Lunch: 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed spinach 1 cup herb tea 1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack: The rest of Oreos in the package 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream with nuts, cherries and whipped cream 1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke 1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza 3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News: Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy jar are canceled out by the diet soda.
3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do.
4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.
7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.
9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes.
10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.
11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
12. Anything consumed from someone else’s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS

Est� el paciente cont�ndole al psiquiatra sus problemas:

“Doctor, tengo un problema: cada vez que voy acostarme creo que hay alguien debajo de la cama. Para combatir eso me acuesto debajo de la cama y entonces creo que hay alguien arriba. �Tiene que ayudarme o me voy a volver loco!”

El especialista se queda pensativo y luego le contesta:

“P�ngase usted en mis manos por doce meses. Venga tres veces por semana a verme y yo curar� sus temores”.

“�Cu�nto cobra usted por sesi�n?”, pregunta cauteloso el tipo.

“$500 por visita”.

“Est� bien, doc, lo voy a pensar y luego le resuelvo”.

Seis meses m�s tarde el psiquiatra se encuentra al individuo en la calle y le pregunta:

“�Por qu� no regres� a verme?”

“�Por $500 la visita? Un cantinero me cur� por tan s�lo $50”.

“�Ya! �C�mo le hizo?, pregunta esc�ptico el facultativo.

“�Me dijo que le cortara las cuatro patas a la cama!”

Jesus died for my sins, and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt.

Jesus was taking his turn at the Pearly Gates. Looking along the queue of people waiting to enter he spotted an old man who looked familiar. When the old man got to the front of the queue Jesus was sure that he recognized him.

“Occupation?” said Jesus.

“Carpenter.” replied the old man.

“Err. Did you have a son who appeared under amazing circumstances?” asked Jesus.

“Why yes!” said the old man.

Getting excited Jesus asked “Did your son have holes in his hands and feet?”

“That’s right.”, said the old man, “He did.”

With delight Jesus exclaimed, “Father!”

Puzzled the old man replied, “Pinochio?”

Why did the chicken cross the road?

KINDERGARTEN TEACHER: To get to the other side.

PLATO: For the greater good of man.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.

TIMOTHY LEARY: Because that’s the only trip the establishment would let it
take.

OSAMA BIN LADEN: That chicken knew nothing of its mission (ha ha ha)
only that it would be a martyr.

SADDAM HUSSEIN: This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite
justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN: I forget.

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

HIPPOCRATES: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

ANDERSEN CONSULTING: Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was
threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the
newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering relationship
with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution
strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model
(PIM), Andersen helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge,
capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology
in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.
Andersen Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best
chickens along with Anderson consultants with deep skills in the transportation
industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their
personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to
synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering
and uccessfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework
across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.The meeting was held in a
park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was
strategically based, industry focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and
unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core
values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you see, represents the black man. The chicken
‘crossed’ the black man in order to trample him and keep him down.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free
to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

MOSES: And God came down from the Heavens, and He said unto the chicken,

During World War I, a German soldier on the eastern front expressed
his absolute certainty of victory. “Franz,” he said, “we Germans are
pious people who pray to God on the eve of each battle. How can we
lose?”
Franz said, “I know that, Dietrich, but the Russians are pious,
too. They pray to God before each battle also.”
Dietrich said, “Of course. But who understands Russian?”

�Por qu� las mujeres son como la geograf�a?

De 0 a 15 a�os son como las islas de Revillagigedo, v�rgenes y sin explorar.

De 16 a 25 a�os son como Africa, a medio explorar, y muy salvajes.

De 26 a los 35 a�os son como Europa, ya bien recorridas y ya un poco medio destruidas.

De 36 a los 55 a�os son como M�xico, reciben a cualquiera con los brazos abiertos.

Y de los 55 a�os en adelante son como Ocean�a, todo mundo sabe que existen pero nadie las visita.

First man: Hey did you know that my airplane got caught in a heavy
storm. The engine was leaking and it was raining.

Second Man: Then it is a miracle that you landed safely on the
ground and nothing happened to you.

First Man: Who said the airplane was flying?!!

Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? A: It doesn’t matter, he’s not going to come anyway.

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits.

After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude.

In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.
“Who is it?”, calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.

The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, so they open the door.

“Nice butt, sister,” says the man, “where do you want these blinds?”