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Nancy & Betty, and Jim & Tom were in the old people’s home.
Nancy & Betty thought Jim & Tom weren’t getting enough excitement so they decided to run naked past Jim & Tom’s room. Later that night they did just that.
Jim looked at Tom and said, “Did you see that? What were Nancy & Betty wearing?”
“I don’t know, but whatever it was, it sure needed ironing.”
Tres hombres se encontraban desolados y casi muriendo de inanici�n en medio de un bosque, cuando de repente se les aparece un genio y les dice: “Soy El Genio, como estoy borracho hoy, ando de celebraci�n, as� pues tengo para cada uno de ustedes un deseo, pidan lo que quieran y les ser� concedido…”
Al oir esto los tres hombres aceptaron inmediatamente, entonces el genio les dijo:
“Yo les conceder� lo que quieran, pero deben correr a lo largo del puente que atraviesa esa quebrada y tirarse, que abajo de �l les esperar� su deseo.”
Dice el primer hombre:
“Yo quiero Mujeres” corre y atraviesa el puente y cuando cae, le reciben all� abajo muchas mujeres.”
Dice el segundo hombre:
“Yo quiero Dinero”, corre y atraviesa el puente y cuando cae le recibe una gran monta�a de d�lares.
Dice el tercer hombre:
“Yo quiero…” y cuando corre se tropieza y exclama: “�Mierda!”
how are coffins and a rubber not alike? when you cum in and one you go in.How are coffins and robbers not alike?One you cum in One you go in.
What to say to a telemarketer! One of the things that has always bugged me
(and I’m sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be
interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such
occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was
from AT&T, and it went something like this:
Me: Hello
AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T….
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T….
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?
Me: May I ask who is calling?
AT&T: This is AT&T.
Me: OK, hold on.
At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that,
surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my
surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.
Me: Hello?
AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?
Me: May I ask who is calling please?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….
Me: Is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T….
Me: This is AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?
Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: The phone company?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.
Me: I already have a phone.
AT&T: We aren’t selling phones today, Mr. Salem.
Me: Well, whatever it is, I’m really not interested, but thanks for calling.
When you are not interested in something, I don’t think you can express
yourself any plainer than by saying “I’m really not interested”, but this lady
was persistent.
AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day,
7 days a week, 365 days a year.
Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a “rate” of 10 cents a minute, but
she at no time used the word “rate”. I could clearly see that it was time to
whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.
Me: Now, that’s 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day? AT&T: (getting a little
excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that’s right! 24 hours a day!
Me: 7 days a week?
AT&T: That’s right.
Me: 365 days a year?
AT&T: Yes, sir.
Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That’s amazing!! AT&T: We think
so!
Me: That’s quite a sum of money!
AT&T: Yes, sir, it’s amazing how it adds up.
Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the
end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a
cash advance?
AT&T: Excuse me?
Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
AT&T: What are you talking about?
Me: You said you’d give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week,
365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per
year. I’m just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.
AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn’t mean we’d be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a
minute.
Me: Wait a minute here! Didn’t you say you’d give me 10 cents a minute? Are
you sure this is AT&T?
AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but….
Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you’ll give me 10 cents
a minute that I’ll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal
telemarketing scheme? I’ve read about things like this in the Enquirer, you
know. Don’t use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.
AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for….
Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!? AT&T: Sir, I
don’t think that is necessary.
Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later? AT&T: What?
Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor! AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.
So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat
while I’m waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I
have a mouth full of food…….
Supervisor: Mr. Salem?
Me: Yeth?
Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute
program.
Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)
Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.
I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress
my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.
Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I
could sign up for the plan.
Supervisor: OK, no problem, I’ll transfer you back to the person who was
helping you.
Me: Thank you.
I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end
this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the
other end of the phone.
AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for
our plan?
Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have
enough friends and I’m an only child and I’d really like to have a little
brother………
AT&T: (click)
Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them
options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to
speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ….. Click…………
Or My Other Favorite… Are you single? Click…………
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt and Oh Schitt, Awe Schitt the fertilizer magnate, married Oh Schitt, the owner of the Knee-deep Schitt Inn.
Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and they produced 6 children.
Holy Schitt, their first, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; two daughters, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt; and another son, Bull Schitt.
Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. Dip Schitt marries Lotta Schitt and they have a son Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt married the Happens brothers. The Schitt – Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt and Horace Schitt.
Bull Schitt just married a spicy little number, Pisa Schitt and they are awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.
A farmer and his daughter were coming back from town with their money from some sales and a large sack of flour when all of a sudden these highway men held them up and robbed them of everything.
A few minutes later the farmer exclaims, “We’re ruined, all the money’s gone and there’s no flour for bread!”
His daughter says, “No, papa, I hid the money in my you-know-what.”
The farmer said, “You’re a good girl, but if your mamma was here –
she could have saved the sack of flour as well!”
If Microsoft built cars you would need to restart your car, then it would perform illegal operations and crash.
Va una monja en un taxi, varios minutos despu�s de que se sube, el taxista le dice: “sor, si usted supiera. Todos hemos tenido fantas�as sexuales, y la m�a es hacer el amor con una monja”.
“Eso no es ning�n problema hijo, �nicamente debes cumplir tres mandamientos: ser cat�lico, soltero y nunca haber tenido relaciones sexuales.
“Hermana, yo cumplo con esos requisitos”.
El taxista se para en un terreno solitario, se pasa al asiento trasero y resuelve a la monja. Pasa al asiento delantero y va muy callado nuevamente.
Luego comienza a llorar y dice: “sor, yo le ment�: no soy cat�lico, ni soltero. Soy casado y soy jud�o, adem�s tengo relaciones sexuales diariamente. He pecado, viol� su virginidad”.
“Por favor no llores, despreoc�pate hijo, que mi nombre es Pedro y voy para una fiesta de disfraces.”
A couple had been married 10 years. One afternoon, they were working in the garden together. As the wife was bending over pulling weeds, the husband said… ”Hey honey, you’re getting fat. Your butt is huge. I’ll bet it’s as wide as the gas grill.” Feeling the need to prove his point, he got out a yard stick and measured the grill, then his wife’s butt. ”Yep,” he said,” just what I thought, just about the same size.” The wife became mad and left him gardening alone. She went inside the house and didn’t speak to him for the rest of the day. When they retired to bed that evening, the husband cuddled up to his wife and said, ”How about it, honey? How about a little lovemaking?” The wife turned her back to him, giving him the cold shoulder. ”What’s the matter?” he asked. She replied… ”You don’t think I’m going to fire up this big A$$ grill for one little weenie, do you?”
Things a Guy Doesn’t want to hear his blind date say:I’m glad we have this date tonight. My boyfriend just got out of prison and I really didn’t want to be alone.Do you mind if we stop by the free clinic? I want to see if my test results are in.Before we go out we have to get the rules straight.Don’t worry, I’ve got the training sessions cut down to an hour if you’re a good boy and pay attention.That’s odd, you sounded handsome on the phone.Do you have to shine your bald spot or does that glare just happen?This is my first date since I was released from Bellevue. They think that schizo-paranoia thing was because of unresolved issue’s in my past lives. By the way, why do you keep calling me Mary?Turn here! That looks like my husbands car ahead.You look surprised. Didn’t you know I was a male impersonator.I’m sorry, something came up and I can’t make it, but I’ve arranged for my cousin Grunhilda to go out with you. Have you ever dated a female wrestler before?
Una se�ora de edad quer�a tener sexo, y como ya andaba en sus ultimos dias de vida, decide ir a un prost�bulo de hombres.
Al llegar, se pone a checar una tabla de la longitud de los penes y el precio.
Juan – 20 cent�metros – $1,000
Manuel – 30 cent�metro – $1,500
Goyo – 50 cent�metros – $2,500
Entonces la viejita decide meterse con Goyo, para que seg�n ella el recuerdo perdure.
Al terminar, la viejita sale del cuarto caminando con las piernas algo abiertas por el tama�o del miembro reci�n introducido y se va caminando a su casa, pero como quedaba algo lejos por el camino normal, la se�ora toma un atajo para llegar m�s rapido y se va por un callej�n oscuro.
De pronto, sale un ladr�n con un cuchillo y le dice a la viejita con tono amenazador:
“�Deme el dinero, o la degollo!”
Entonces la viejita le dice asustada:
“�Tome todo el dinero, pero la de Goyo ya no!”
A bloke went to his mate’s fancy dress costume party with nothing but a naked girl on his back.
“So what are you supposed to be?” the host asked indignantly.
“I’m a snail,” the bloke replied.
The exasperated host asked, “How can you be a snail when all you’ve got is that naked girl on your back?”
The bloke replied. “That’s Michelle.”