Category: other

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people: one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people: one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer, and then hired more people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We have no choice but to cutback overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman!

Se encontraban dos mendigos de esos viciosos en la calle matando un cachito de marihuana, cuando de pronto pudieron observar que hab�a un billete de $20.000 pesos tirado en la calle.

Desesperados corrieron a cogerlo a ver quien tenia mayor suerte, pero llegaron al tiempo y ambos tomaron el billete de una de las puntas. Para no romperlo, ni dividirlo por partes iguales, decidieron compartirlo y empezaron a discutir en que lo gastar�an.

Despu�s de mucho rato uno le dijo al otro:

“Ya se. Compremos $19.000 en marihuana y $2.000 en salchichon…”

A lo que el otro �ero contest�:

“Parcerito �y no ser� como que mucho salchich�n?”

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.
“How are you grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.

“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they ring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it.I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. “What are you people doing,” he says, “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?

“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.

The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!”

In the USA, everything that is not prohibited by law is permitted.
In Germany, everything that is not permitted by law is prohibited.
In Russia, everything is prohibited, even if permitted by law.
In France, everything is permitted, even if prohibited by law.
In Switzerland, everything that is not prohibited by law is obligatory.

You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet
composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

Dear God,

I think you’d be proud of me! So far today I’ve done all right.
I haven’t gossiped, lusted, lost my temper, haven’t been greedy,
grumpy, nasty, selfish or overindulgent. I’m very thankful for
that.

In a few minutes, though, I’m going to get out of bed. From then
on I’m probably going to need a LOT of help.

Amen.

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance
evaluations in a large US Corporation.

(1) “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom…..and has
started to dig.”

(2) “His men would follow him anywhere…but only out of morbid curiosity.”

(3) “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

(4) “This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a
definite ‘won’t be’.”

(5) “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.”

(6) “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

(7) “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

(8) “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

(9) “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.”

(10) “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

(11) “This employee should go far…and the sooner he starts, the better.”

(12) “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

(13) “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

(14) “He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”

(15) “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

(16) “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

(17) “He’s been working with glue too much.”

(18) “He would argue with a signpost.”

(19) “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”

(20) “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

(21) “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

(22) “If you see two people talking and one looks bored…he’s the other one.”

(23) “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

(24) “A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

(25) “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

(26) “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

(27) “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

(28) “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

(29) “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

(30) “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.”

(31) “It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.”

(32) “One neuron short of a synapse.”

(33) “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

(34) “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”

(35) “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

A man walks out of a bar totally hammered, only to be greeted by a snobby
woman. She takes one look at him. “You, sir, are drunk!” “And you ma’am, are
ugly. But when I wake up, I will be sober!”

76 buenas razones por las que la cerveza es mejor que las mujeres

1. Puedes disfrutar de la cerveza todo el mes.
2. Las manchas de cerveza se van.
3. No tienes por qu� agasajar a la cerveza.
4. La cerveza te esperar� siempre pacientemente en el coche.
5. Cuando la cerveza se pone plana la sacudes.
6. La cerveza nunca llega tarde.
7. Las resacas se marchan.
8. La cerveza no se pone celosa cuando coges otra cerveza.
9. Las anillas de la cerveza salen sin resistencia.
10. Cuando entras en un bar, siempre puedes conseguir una cerveza.
11. La cerveza nunca tiene dolor de cabeza.
12. Cuando has acabado con una cerveza, la botella todav�a vale 5 duros.
13. La cerveza no se molesta si vuelves a casa con aliento a cerveza.
14. Puedes tomar m�s de una cerveza en una noche sin sentirte culpable.
15. La cerveza siempre pasa con facilidad.
16. Puedes compartir una cerveza con los amigos.
17. Siempre puedes tener la certeza de que eres el primero en descorchar una cerveza.
18. La cerveza no exige igualdad.
19. A una cerveza no le importa cuando vuelves.
20. Puedes tomar una cerveza en p�blico.
21. Una cerveza fr�gida es una buena cerveza.
22. La cerveza siempre viene en m�ltiplos de seis.
23. Despu�s de haber tomado una cerveza no tienes m�s que tirar la botella vac�a.
24. Una cerveza nunca te cuesta m�s de quinientas pesetas y nunca te deja sediento.
25. Cuando tu cerveza se ha ido, simplemente descorchas otra.
26. La cerveza tiene el mismo aspecto a la ma�ana siguiente.
27. La cerveza no se preocupa por si llega alguien.
28. La cerveza no se preocupa por si se despiertan los ni�os.
29. La cerveza no tiene madre.
30. La cerveza no tiene moral.
31. La cerveza no se pone hist�rica una vez al mes.
32. La cerveza siempre escucha y nunca discute.
33. La cerveza no tiene los pies/manos/ fr�os/as.
34. La cerveza nunca se pasa de su peso.
35. Si cambias de cerveza no tienes que pasar una manutenci�n.
36. La cerveza no se escapar� con tus tarjetas de cr�dito.
37. La cerveza no tiene un abogado.
38. La cerveza no puede pasarte un herpes o cosas desagradables.
39. La cerveza no critica tu modo de conducir.
40. La cerveza nunca cambia de opini�n.
41. La cerveza nunca te cabrea o juega sucio para conseguir algo.
42. La cerveza nunca te pide que cambies de canal.
43. La cerveza no te pide que vayas de compras.
44. La cerveza es siempre f�cil de obtener.
45. La cerveza nunca dice no.
46. La cerveza no se queja si la tomas en cualquier parte.
47. La cerveza no necesita ir ‘a empolvarse’ con otras cervezas.
48. A la cerveza no le molesta ensuciarse.
49. La cerveza no se queja de tu insensibilidad.
50. La cerveza no vive con su madre.
51. La cerveza nunca se desfoga contigo.
52. A la cerveza no le preocupa que no tengas cultura ni maneras.
53. La cerveza no se queja, ni grita, ni llora.
54. A la cerveza no le importa que sea la temporada futbol�stica.
55. La cerveza no te har� ir a la iglesia.
56. Es m�s probable que una cerveza sepa deletrear ‘carburador’, que una mujer.
57. Una cerveza no piensa que el baloncesto es est�pido porque los jugadores escupen.
58. Una cerveza no piensa que DOS sea un n�mero.
59. A una cerveza le importa un comino si tienes un mont�n de cervezas.
60. Una cerveza no piensa que los odiosos anuncios con ni�os son ‘monos’.
61. Si una cerveza se derrama por el suelo, durante unos instantes huele bastante bien.
62. Una cerveza no te llamar� cerdo machista si dices ‘doberman’ en lugar de ‘doberpersonal’.
63. Una cerveza no conseguir� trabajo como disk-jockey y pondr� 5 horas seguidas de m�sica folk lesbiana en tu emisora favorita.
64. Una cerveza no te armara un esc�ndalo por una peque�ez como que levantes la tapa del water.
65. Una cerveza no fumar� en tu coche.
66. Una cerveza te ayudar�, de hecho, en el eructo y la pedorrera, y compartir� tu entusiasmo por que sean incluidos como deportes de exhibici�n en los juegos ol�mpicos de Australia 2000.
67. Una cerveza est� siempre dispuesta a marcharse a tiempo.
68. Una cerveza nunca busca piropos.
69. La cerveza sabe bien.
70. Si sacas una cerveza de la nevera para echarle una ojeada, pero en ese momento decides beb�rtela, la cerveza no te acusar de violaci�n.
71. Una cerveza no te har� comprar tampones cuando vayas a la tienda.
72. Una cerveza no te acusar� de mentir cuando digas que lees el Penthouse ‘s�lo por los art�culos’ (est�s mintiendo, pero una cerveza no te acusar� de ello.)
73. Una cerveza nunca te har� ir a ver una pel�cula sueca.
74. Una cerveza no te acusar� de cerdo machista si dices ‘Gene Hackman’ en lugar de ‘Gene Hackpersona’.
75. Una cerveza no te har� probar comida vegetariana que sabe como aceite de ricino.
76. Cuando has acabado con una cerveza, la idea de otra cerveza no te enferma.

Yo’ mama so fat, she drives a Spandex car!

50 Reasons Not To Buy A Used Sofa

The owner says:
1. “That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made.
2. “Have you had your shots?”
3. “If you find any fingers in there, pack ’em in ice and give
us a call.”
4. “It’s almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions
out.”
5. “It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder
surgery.”
6. “It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we
found it by the highway.”
7. “You can have those Fritos.”
8. “I once spent ten days tied to this couch.”
9. “It’s non-flammable, unless you really try.”
10. “It should be clean, we hosed it off.”
11. “Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars.”
12. “It can even float for nearly an hour.”
13. “You like the smell of beer, don’t you?”
14. “It’s not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard
enough.”
15. “I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then.”
16. “It used to be a lot longer.”
17. “You’ll need the brick to keep it level, unless you’ve got a
saw.”
18. “AmVets and GoodWill wouldn’t take it.”
19. “Don’t smoke near it.”
20. “You can hardly tell where they hurled.”
21. “The fire hardly touched this side.”
22. “It only smells this way when it’s humid.”

You make any of these observations:
23. There’s a large red tag on it marked “Evidence”.
24. The cushions begin crawling away.
25. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a “Rebel And
Proud” bumper sticker.
26. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.
27. What you thought was powdered sugar from a donut appears to
be moving.
28. It appears to have reached its present location by being
dragged several miles on its side.
29. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.
30. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it
himself.
31. A tag on the back says “Property of Blessed Hope Mission”.
32. It has its own nickname.
33. More than a dozen people know its nickname.
34. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in
the local paper.
35. Someone appears to have constructed a drink holder on the
armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a glue gun. 36. There are
mushrooms growing on the back.
37. It seems to generate its own heat.
38. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.
39. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the
cushions.
40. It growls when you sit on it.
41. It has a faint smell of ammonia
42. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a
garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a
railroad crossing.
43. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.
44. There’s a coin slot on the armrest.
45. There are labels in various spots that say “No Step”.
46. The owner occasionally pauses to pick things off of it and
taste them.
47. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.
48. You hear scampering noises inside.
49. The owner offers to throw in a free:
+ can of Lysol
+ can of Raid
+ flyswatter
+ flea collar
+ ant trap
+ vial of penicillin
50. Under the cushions you find:
+ half a bottle of ketchup
+ empty shotgun shells
+ an entire squirrel skeleton
+ Jimmy Hoffa’s wallet
+ a glass eye
+ ticket stubs from the 1939 World’s Fair
+ the muffler from a ’72 Dodge

Un marica, cansado ya de su estilo de vida, fue a consultar un m�dico con la esperanza de que lo ayudara a cambiar su preferencia sexual.

“Pase. Adelante, se�or Bonilla”, indica el m�dico. “�Conque usted quiere dejar de ser homosexual? Ha venido al sitio indicado, pues precisamente yo he conseguido desarrollar una terapia para que las personas como usted solucionen su situaci�n”.

Entusiasmado, el marica se pone en manos del galeno para que �ste le practique dicha terapia. El m�dico le pide que se desnude y que se ponga ‘en cuatro patas’. En esa posici�n, comienza a pasar su dedo por el borde del ano del playo mientras dice:

“Por la orilla, por la orilla, y se cura el se�or Bonilla…”

Como a los diez minutos exclama el maric�n:

“�Ay, doctor, por el medio, por el medio, que Bonilla no tiene remedio!”