Category: other

Every philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room; Marxist
philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, but the cat isn’t
there; Soviet philosophy is like looking for a black cat in a dark room, the cat
isn’t there, but you keep shouting “I’ve found it! I’ve found it!”

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I
just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280.
Please be careful!”

“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”

A whole family was caught in a small boat during a sudden storm off the shores of Florida, but towed to safety in Fort Lauderdale by the ever alert U.S. Coast Guard.

“I always knew God would take care of us,” said the composed five year old daughter of the boat owner after the family got home.

“I like to hear you say that,” beamed the mother. “Always remember that God is in his heaven watching over us.”

“Oh, I wasn’t talking about that God,” the five year old interrupted.

“I was talking about the COAST God.”

Remember, there are three religious truths:

1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian church.

3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters

Valentine’s Cards Guaranteed to Work=======We’ve a date tonight, oh, Valentine! I hope I can stay calm! ‘Cause recently, I’ve only dated the lovely Mrs. Palm.=======Time to choose your Valentine! If I don’t seem up to snuff, another case of Ballantine and I’ll look good enough.=======All around the cobbler’s bench, I’ll chase you like a diesel. How can you tell when I’m ready for fun? Pop! goes my weasel!=======Candy, flowers, diamond rings: all things I can’t afford. I spent my cash on surgery to add inches to my sword!=======Let’s plan a trip to the falls of Niagra! Just me and you and my bottle of Viagra.=======Roses are red I like Spaghetti-O’s. Now what in the world rhymes with “fellatio?”=======You’ve been alone for two years now, and no one has been hittin’. So please be mine, Monica, and do me, like you did Clinton.=======I’d like to play a game with you — I’m thinking Naked Twister. I’ll bring the board and lots of wine. Could you please bring your sister?=======For you, I’ll fill up my boudoir with peace and joy and love. But please don’t ask if I would mind trying on a glove.=======My sugar-lumps, I love you so — you fill me with desire. I’ll still love you even though your hourly rate got higher.=======I promise to be good to you, and never treat you wrongly. (Besides, I’ll make you scream in bed — I’m hung quite like a donkey!)=======My skin is milk white, ’cause I’m online day and night, and my hair is rapidly going. But I’m post-IPO, and I’m rolling in dough — that should get your juices flowing.=======Roses are red, Politicians are sleazy. Will you be mine? (I hear that you’re easy.)=======R U 14F? Beep! You’ve got mail 🙂 But if U R a Fed, Eeep! I’ll get jail :-(=======Roses are red, tulips are yellow. You read me your poems, I’ll show you Longfellow.=======We’re both white trash, bred by the dozen, and now it’s time, to do me, cousin.=======Your assests are delightful. Your beauty’s not debatable. But what I like about you best, is that you’re not inflatable.=======Your skin’s like satin to the touch. Your visage is divine. I long for your embrace so much. (This crap works every time!)=======My silk sheets are cool, My lava lamp’s hot, If you’ll give me ten minutes, I’ll take the wet spot.=======Roses are reddish, and painfully thorny. With your S&M fetish they’ll make you quite horny.=======Valentine, let’s play “Love Basketball” — getting sweaty will be our goal. And I’ll try not to double-dribble as I take it to the hole.=======I’m sure that wine and candles help, when it’s nice girls that you’re wooing. But here’s a tip: Gimme fifty bucks, and we’ll get right to screwing.=======Roses are useless, violets are banal. Let’s skip the head, and proceed to the anal.=======I’m a sensitive man, I cry! I have fun! But get me aroused and I block out the sun.=======I don’t care that you’re short. It’s cute that you’re stout. As long as you’re willing to bang my brains out.=======I’m filthy rich and have no heirs, and I’ve got heart disease. Eleven mil can ease your cares, so get down on your knees.=======Roses are red, violets are blue. 12 inches of throbbing, quivering manhood, is waiting over here for you.=======You can always spot me even in a crowd, but you’d limp, too, if you were this well-endowed.=======My darling, I hope on this Valentine’s Day, you’ll share with me the night that I’ve planned. I ask you to throw inhibitions away — this ain’t my *heart* that I hold in my hand.=======This man would never hurt his soul mate, would he? This man would never cheat on you, would he? This man would never leave your side, would he? Guess what this man is sportin’ for you? Woody!=======Roses are red Violets are wanky I’ve just come in my pants Please pass me a hanky

George, Bob and Fred are working on a very high scaffolding. Suddenly, George falls off. He is killed instantaneously.

After the ambulance leaves with George’s body, Bob and Fred realize they’ll have to inform his wife. Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns, carrying a six-pack of beer.

“So did you tell her?” asks Fred.

“Yep”, replies Bob.

“Say, where did you get the six-pack?”

Bob informs Jeff. “She gave it to me.”

“WHAT??” exclaims Fred, “you just told her, her husband died and she gave you a six-pack??”

“Sure,” Bob says.

“WHY?” asks Fred.

“Well,” Bob continues, “when she answered the door, I asked her, ‘are you George’s widow?’ ‘Widow?’, she said, ‘no, no, you’re mistaken, I’m not a widow!’ So I said: “I’ll bet you a six-pack you ARE!'”

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.
3. it�s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your
neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
6. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car
payments.
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
worth it.
13. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
15. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
22. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt … then
things get worse.

These three guys go to the doctor a mexican boy, white boy, and a black boy, and the mexican has a wooden dick and the white boy has a rubber dick and the black guy has a 6 foot dick the doctor goes to the mexican what happened and he goes when me and my girl friend were havin sex and she goes your giving me a sliver and the the doctor goes to the white boy and says what happened to you and the white boy goes when me and MY girlfriend were having sex she stops and goes stop making your dick move up and down and finally the doctor goes to the black boy and says what happened to you NOW and he says me and my girl friend were having sex and she goes hey we cant have sex 6 feet away from each other ok! we have to have it up close so we can at least kiss and the doctor goes so whats the problem and they all say WE WANT SURGERY ON OUR DICKS NOW! WE WANT NEW DICKS AND THE DOCTOR SAYS OK! AND THE GUYS SAY WHAT MORE CAN WE ASK!

En una ocasi�n en la selva, el Rey Le�n decidi� hacer una fiesta y advirti� que a la medianoche todos ten�an que hacer el amor con la pareja que estuvieran bailando. Al sonar las doce, el Rey Le�n da la orden y todos se van a refocilar.

Al otro d�a, todos los animales se juntan para platicar su historia. Pero el chango se queda callado mientras los otros hablan. Intrigado, el tigre se le acerca:

“Ea, �y t� por qu� no hablas?”

“No, pinches fiestas culeras que organizan”, responde con enfado el chango.

“�Por qu�?”

“Pues yo a la medianoche estaba bailando con la jirafa, y entre dame un beso y ag�rrame las nalgas se me fue toda la noche”.

We’ve all been there but don’t like to admit it. We’ve all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER.
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

01. I can see your point, but you’re still full of crap.
02. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronouce.
03. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

04. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
05. Ahh…I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
07. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion would be…?
11. This isn’t and office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what’s behind door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder – my work here is done.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, ‘What starting salary were you thinking about?’ The Engineer said, ‘In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.’ The interviewer said, ‘Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years – say, a red Corvette?’ The Engineer sat up straight and said, ‘Wow! Are you kidding?’ The interviewer replied, ‘Yeah, but you started it.’