Dirty Pictures

A man goes to a Psychologist and says, “Doc I got a real problem. I can’t stop thinking about sex.”

The Psychologist replies, “Well let’s see what we can find out,” as he pulled out his ink blots.

Showing the man the first ink blot he asks, “What is this a picture of?”

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologist replies with, “very interesting.” He shows the next picture. “And what is this a picture of?”

The man looks at it, turning it in different directions then says, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologists resumes with the third ink blot and asks, “What is this a picture of?”

Again the patient turns it in all directions and replies, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologist states, “Yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex.”

“Me!?” demands the patient. “You’re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Christine and Curtis

Al morir, un tipo llega

Al morir, un tipo llega a las puertas del Para�so y le manifiesta a San Pedro su deseo de entrar. El Portero Celestial inquiere:

“�Qu� has hecho de bueno en la tierra?”

“Una vez le regale diez d�lares a un pobre”.

“�Y qu� m�s?”

“Otro d�a le di cinco d�lares a un ciego”.

“Adelante, �qu� m�s cosas buenas hiciste?”

“Ninguna, eso es todo”.

Entonces, San Pedro se levanta y se dirige a un �ngel:

“�Devu�lvele quince d�lares a este imb�cil y me lo mandas directo al infierno!”

Diana gets in

God summons St. Peter and says, “St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full.

However, we have a number of high-profile candidates waiting at the Gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity.

So, I’m going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You’ll have to go and decide who is most suitable.”

St. Peter goes down to the Pearly Gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace, and Princess Diana waiting for him.

He says, “I’m afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason why you should be admitted to Heaven.”

Freddie Mercury says, “I’ve been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I’ll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better.”

Gianni Versace says, “I was Earth’s greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions — long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better.”

Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, “OK, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!”

Freddie and Gianni are mortified.

“What’s going on here?” Freddie cries. “We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don’t!”

St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Sorry, guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day.”

Leaving Her…

Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe.Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, “Pierre, what are you doing?”Pierre replied “Woman, I’m leaving you!”Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our marriage?”Pierre replied “To hell with the marriage. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?”Pierre replied “To hell with the cabin. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?”Pierre replied “To hell with the children. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.Then Marie hikes up her skirt, points to her crotch and hollers, “But Pierre, what about this?”As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, “Someday I’m going to leave that damn woman.”

Sales Contest

A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.

“Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.”

“What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets to give it.”

All of my business

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years,
him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.

Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin
caused by corporate down-sizing and it’s effects on a 50 years old
executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interst for 30
years totalling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.

She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, “If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!”

Submitted by Phil

McBeer!

A German tourist walks into a McDonald’s in New York City and orders a beer. (In Germany and many parts of Europe, McDonald’s actually does serve beer.) The local guy in the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: “They don’t serve BEER here, you MORON!”

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begins to chuckle.

“And what’s so funny?!?” the New Yorker demands.

“Oh, nothing really, I just realized that you came here for the food.”

It Doesn’t Work Like That

A truck driver was going south on I-75, when he came upon a weight station.
When he pulled in and got on the scales to be weighed, the scale master told the
driver that he was 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver replied, I can take
care or that. The scale master asked him how he could fix the problem. The
driver said, let me go around back, and I’ll fix the overweight problem. The
scale master agreed to let him fix his problem. About half an hour later the
truck driver got back on the scales, and the scale master said, driver, you are
still 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver said, I don’t understand what went
wrong. I let 50lbs. out of each tire on the rig. After thinking the problem over
the scale master said, well 18 tires times 50lbs. would equal 900lbs. I guess my
scales must be wrong. I’m sorry driver, you may continue on down the road, and
have a nice day.