Category: other

Isabel y Claudia, dos viudas de edad avanzada, se encuentran sentadas en un caf� local.

Isabel: “Vieras que Jos� me pidi� que sali�ramos en una cita. Como me enter� que saliste con el la semana pasada, me gustar�a hablar contigo acerca de �l antes de darle mi respuesta.”

Claudia: “Bueno, d�jame contarte: El se present� a mi apartamento puntualmente a las 7:00 PM vestido como todo un caballero en un fino traje y me trajo un arreglo floral precioso. Despu�s bajamos las escaleras hacia la calle y me encontr� con una limusina con chofer uniformado y todo lo dem�s. Me llev� a comer, una cena maravillosa, con langosta, champa�a, postre y bebidas. Despu�s me llev� a ver una obra de teatro y d�jame decirte Isabel, la disfrute tanto que me pude haber muerto de la felicidad en ese momento.

Mas tarde me llevo a mi apartamento y se convirti� en un animal. Completamente loco, me arranc� en pedazos mi vestido mas fino y caro e hizo su santa voluntad conmigo, �dos veces!”

Isabel: “�Dios mi�! �Entonces me est�s diciendo que no salga con el?”

Claudia: “�No, no, no! �Simplemente te estoy diciendo que uses un vestido barato!”

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care
where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy,” admitted the
manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he
snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m
not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed.

“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,� said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine
explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight,
beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, ”Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?” ”Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, ‘Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?”’ ”What did he say?” Bush asked. ”He said, ‘that’s me,’ so I hired him.” Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. ”Thanks, Mikhail. That’s a great idea.” As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House. ”Dan,” he said, ”I’ve got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother?” Quayle looked rather puzzled. ”Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President?” He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldn’t get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, ”I’ll ask Jim Baker. He’s a smart guy.” Quayle called Baker on the phone. ”Jim, I’ve got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?” ”That would be me,” Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile. ”Thanks, Jim. You’ve helped me out big time.” He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. ”Mr. President, I have the answer!” ”Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?” ”It’s Jim Baker!” said Quayle. ”No,” said Bush. ”It’s Shevardnadze.”

Use the Term ‘Falling’ Instead Of ‘Cheating’

An elderly priest was upset with the things he was hearing during Saturday
confessions. After his sermon one Sunday morning, he said to his
congregation, “I’m tired of hearing so many people tell me in confession
that they have cheated. For thirty years, people have been saying to me
‘I have cheated with Anthony… I have cheated with Mary… I have cheated
with Frankie.’ I am sick and tired of hearing this word. From now on, when
you come into my confessional, you will say ‘I have fallen with Anthony, or
with Mary, or with Frankie.’ No more the word CHEATS. It will be FALL.”

About a year later, the old priest retired and was replaced by a younger
man. No one thought to tell the new priest about the change of words in
the confessional. After hearing his first round of Saturday confessions,
the young priest went to the mayor of the town and said to him, “Mr. Mayor,
you are going to have to do something about the deplorable condition of the
streets and sidewalks in this town. Everybody is telling me they are
falling all over the place.”

The mayor immediately understood the problem, and he leaned back in his
chair and laughed.

The priest was puzzled, and said, “Mr. Mayor, you shouldn’t be laughing!
Your wife told me that just last week she fell three times!”

one day morton wanted to go fishing so he goes to his friends and say “im goin fishing fishing today does anyone want to come?”so one chick says “yeah i will”so the next day they were on the way to the river and they came acroos a little man and he said “up or down” so the chick strips down and bangs the little man.Then they keep going and get to the spot and mortons like cool let fish and the chicks like “nah its to dark lets go home. so they go home and they go back fishing the next day and come to the little man. and he says “up or down” and the blondes like “what?” and the little mans like “last time you got down and dirty with me. and the blonde says “yesterday i fogot my hearing aid i thought ya said fuck or drown.:P

Escapee definition: a fart that slips out while peeing or forcing poop in a
stall. this is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. this
is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. if you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. pretend it did not
happen. if you are next to the farter, pretend that you did not hear it. no one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

jailbreak (used in conjunction with escapee) definition: when forcing poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun’s pace. this is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. if this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall
until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.

courtesy flush definition: the act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. this reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. this can help you avoid being caught doing the walk of shame.

walk of shame definition: walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. this can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. as with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. can be avoided with the use of a courtesy
flush.

out of the closet pooper definition: a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. you will often see an out of the closet pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. always look around the office for
the out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

the pooping friends network (pfn) definition: a group of coworkers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. this group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of out of the closet poopers and identify
safe havens.

safe haven definition: a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. this will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

turd burglar definition: a pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. this is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. if this occurs, remain
in the stall until the turd burglar leaves. this way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.

camo-cough definition: a phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. this can be used to cover-up a watermelon or
to alert potential turd burglars. very effective when used in conjunction with
an astaire.

astaire definition: a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential turd
burglars that you are occupying a stall. this will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. if you hear an astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.

watermelon definition: a turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. this is also an embarrassing incident. if you feel a watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. see camo-cough.

havana omelet definition: a load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. often accompanied by an escapee. try using a
camo-cough with an astaire.

uncle ted definition: a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. an uncle ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. this benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

fly by definition: the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. walk in,
check for other poopers. if there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. be careful not to become a frequent flyer. people may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

crack whore definition: a crapper that has seen more ass than a greyhound bus.
telltale signs of a crack whore include pubes, piss stains and s*** streaks.
avoid crack whores at all cost. try finding out when the janitor cleans each
particular bathroom. don’t forget, with a good cleaning, a crack whore can
become a safe haven.

frequent flyer definition: someone who keeps going in the bathroom to check if
it is empty. this always looks bad for that person.

have you ever heard of the “drag bunt?”- that is when you are walking by a
bunch of people and farting the whole time, dragging it by the unknowing
victims.

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren’t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door.

“KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!”

Husband: “Guess who?”

Wife: “I know who it is!”

Husband: “Guess what I want?”

Wife: “I know what you want!”

Husband: “Guess what I’m knockin’ with?”

A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.

Era un se�or que su esposa siempre lo golpeaba. Como viv�a en una vecindad todos o�an los trancazos.

Un d�a que llegaba del trabajo; le dijo un vecino: “YA VECINO, todos oyen que su vieja le pega, no se deje, �qu� a poco se va a dejar?

Y el le dice: “No, pero es que mi vieja si est� fuertota”

“Mire, le voy a dar un consejo, para guardar las apariencias… cu�ndo ella le est� pegando, grite fuerte como si el que la estuviera fregando fuera ust�d.”

“Ah, caray, �o sea que cu�ndo ella me pegue YO GRITO como si la estuviera madreando a ella?

“Claro, asi todos creeran que ust�d es bien macho… de una vez h�galo, orita que va p�’ su casa…”

Y ah� va el Se�or y llega con su mujer que ya lo est� esperando con el rodillo, y la mujer le suelta el primer madrazo y el grita:

“�ORALE POR HIJA DE TODA TU PUTA MADRE!”

Y la se�ora toda sacada de onda le suelta otro fregadazo, y el se�or otra vez:

“�TOMA PARA QUE SE TE QUITE LO CABRONA. YA NO TE AGUANTO PINCHE VIEJA PENDEJA!”

La mujer no sabe que hacer ya del coraje y lo agarra y lo avienta por la ventana. Y el se�or grita:

�ES M�S, YA ME VOOOOOOOOOYYYYY!

Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe.Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, “Pierre, what are you doing?”Pierre replied “Woman, I’m leaving you!”Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our marriage?”Pierre replied “To hell with the marriage. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?”Pierre replied “To hell with the cabin. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?”Pierre replied “To hell with the children. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.Then Marie hikes up her skirt, points to her crotch and hollers, “But Pierre, what about this?”As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, “Someday I’m going to leave that damn woman.”

God summons St. Peter and says, “St. Peter, we have a problem. Heaven is full.

However, we have a number of high-profile candidates waiting at the Gates, and we are suffering from falling popularity.

So, I’m going to throw out Mother Teresa and let in one of the celebrities at the gate. You’ll have to go and decide who is most suitable.”

St. Peter goes down to the Pearly Gates and finds Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace, and Princess Diana waiting for him.

He says, “I’m afraid I can only let one of you in, so each of you must come up with a reason why you should be admitted to Heaven.”

Freddie Mercury says, “I’ve been gifted with one of the most beautiful voices to ever grace the earth. I’ll spend my time in Heaven singing praises to God with the choirs of angels. Heaven will never have sounded better.”

Gianni Versace says, “I was Earth’s greatest designer. I will outfit the cherubs and angels in all the latest fashions — long silky gowns, satin cloaks and nightwear spun from the very clouds we stand on. Heaven will never have looked better.”

Diana blushes a little, looks around nervously and seems unable to find something suitable to say. Suddenly, she strips off her skirt and panties, whips out a bottle of Perrier, shakes it up and douches with it.

St. Peter says, “OK, Diana, you may enter. Have a nice day!”

Freddie and Gianni are mortified.

“What’s going on here?” Freddie cries. “We could make heaven look and sound better than ever before, and she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, but she gets in and we don’t!”

St. Peter just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Sorry, guys, but a royal flush beats a pair of queens any day.”

What do you get when you cross an [ethnic] and a monkey?

A retarded monkey.