Category: other

Tres generales, uno de Estados Unidos, uno ruso y uno argentino, est�n en un barco presumiendo de lo valerosos que son sus hombres. El general gringo llama a uno de sus soldados y le dice:

“T�rate al agua, nada alrededor del barco y vuelve.”

El soldado, sin pensarlo dos veces, se tira de cabeza al agua, nada alrededor del barco y vuelve. Entonces el general americano le dice a los otros dos generales:

“�Son estos huevos o qu�?”

Pero el general ruso no se deja impresionar, llama a uno de sus soldados y le dice:

“T�rate al agua, da veinte vueltas a barco buceando, y caza un tibur�n con tu cuchillo.”

El ruso se lanza al agua inmediatamente, y sin asomarse a respirar da las veinte vueltas al barco y luego mata con su cuchillo a un tibur�n que pasaba por all�. Cuando vuelve al barco con el tibur�n, el general ruso le dice a los otros dos:

“�Son estos huevos o qu�?”

Entonces el general argentino llama a uno de sus oficiales y le dice:

“Te vas a tirar al agua haciendo el salto del �ngel, vas a bucear hasta el fondo del mar, vas a buscar un barco hundido con un tesoro, y mientras te lo traes aqu� vas a matar veinte tiburones con tus manos desnudas.”

El oficial argentino le contesta indignado:

“�Oiga, y por qu� no manda usted a su puta madre?”

El general argentino se vuelve hacia los otros dos generales y les dice con la cara rebosante de orgullo:

“�Son estos huevos o qu�?.

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.

Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?

Canadian: We send ’em to France to get turned into paper plates.

French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send ’em to France to get turned into picket fences. Hey, what do you do with your used crazy glue?

French man: We send it to Canada to get turned into bubble gum!

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St.
Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computers down. You’ll
have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as humans.
What’ll it be?”

The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the
Rocky mountains. “So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this
week ‘count’, St. Peter? “No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we
can keep track of what you’re doing. The week’s a freebie.

“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”

“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall
the two priests.

“Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.

“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult.”

“Why?” asked the Lord.

St. Peter answered, “He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota!”

Top 47 Reasons for women NOT To Have Sex
1. The pitter patter of little feet
2. Never let ’em see you sweat
3. Your parents might realise that you’re not 12 years old anymore
4. Naked men
5. Guilt, guilt, and GUILT
6. You might like it
7. Rhenquist, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas
8. Paying back oral sex debts
9. Only pagans procreate
10. Castration
11. You might fall in lust or, Heaven forbid, love
12. Body hair
13. Too many lights on in the room
14. Your roommate and neighbours can’t sleep with all that screaming
15. Axl Rose
16. Since that nasty little Gulf War, there’s no money left for research and treatment of those nasty little Sexually Transmitted Diseases
17. Why bother doing it yourself? Just buy the new Prince album
18. Pennsylvania Abortion Law
19. Utah Abortion Law
20. Alabama Abortion Law
21. Taking care of the orgasm deficit
22. Yeast infections
23. Too sticky
24. Messes up your hair
25. Charley-horses
26. Bladder infections
27. Cher
28. “It’s only a cold sore”
29. Photographers with infrared cameras (remember, if it can be seen from a public place, it’s not private)
30. Hetero men who ask, “Did you come yet?”
31. SOMEBODY has to sleep in the wet spot
32. Taking off the jimmy-hat
33. In horror flicks, people having sex are always the first to be killed by axe murderers in hockey masks
34. The ever popular Eternal Damnation
35. Smegma
36. You still live with your parents
37. You love her but you’re not *in love* with her
38. Creation of sounds not meant to be emitted by the human body
39. Drooling
40. Letters to the Editor
41. Calling out the wrong name
42. Potential threat to your political aspirations (unless you’re a Kennedy)
43. Your brother gets home from school at 3:00
44. No one to have sex with
45. Carpet burn
46. Any offspring resultant from sex may end up looking like you !

47. Worse than No.46.. they could end up looking like him !

Mr. Penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons: – has to work hard- has to work at great depths- has to work upside-down – has no ventilation or air-conditioned work environment has to work in a high humidity environment with odors – has to work at hot temperatures- does not get weekends or holidays off – does not get time off after extra hours of work has a hazardous work- environment that often causes illness Management Reply: “Request denied for the following reasons” – does not work 8 hours straight during any work period- does not respond immediately to any requests – coworkers often unsatisfied by job- performance falls asleep after a short period of activity – shows no evidence of loyalty at the workplace – works better alone than with others – does not work at all unless pushed from behind – does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work – sometimes leaves work too early

What do you call a Spanish gay guy?

A senor-eater.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Clark Kent

A policeman was interrogating 3 SARDARS who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first SARDAR a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it.

“This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first SARDAR answers, “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye!”

The policeman says, “Well…uh…that’s because the picture I showed is his side profile.”

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second SARDAR and asks him, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The second SARDAR smiles, flips his hair and says, “Ha! He’d be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two?? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it’s a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third SARDAR and in a very testy voice asks, “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him? He quickly adds, “Think hard before giving me a stupid answer.”

The SARDAR looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, “The suspect wears contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that’s an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I’ll get back to you on that.”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

“Wow! I can’t believe it. It’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy,” the SARDAR replied. “He can’t wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.”

Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by calamjo

Notimex/ Reuters/ Agencias.
INFORMACI�N IMPORTANTE.

El Gobierno de la Rep�blica ha extendido un comunicado en el cual se informa del apoyo militar incondicional al Gobierno de los Estados Unidos de Am�rica en el inminente conflicto b�lico con Afganist�n y los pa�ses simpatizantes del terrorista Osama bin Laden.

El destacamento del H. Ej�rcito Mexicano que ser� enviado como refuerzo a las tropas estadounidenses estar� compuesto en su totalidad por capitalinos, a petici�n de los altos mandos militares, debido a las siguientes razones ampliamente analizadas:

1.- Tenemos muchos.
2.- Son altamente resistentes a los gases t�xicos (tolerancia superior a los 350 IMECA).
3.- Considerando los altos contenidos de agentes pat�genos que se incluyen en su dieta diaria, dif�cilmente ser�n susceptibles a da�os provocados por armas biol�gicas.
4.- Pueden desmantelar los tanques y veh�culos enemigos antes que �stos reaccionen, dej�ndolos parados en cuatro ladrillos.
5.- El Escuadr�n de Tragafuegos es capaz de asustar a cualquier lanzallamas afgano.
6.- Ning�n bloqueo pertrechado por medios militares es m�s eficiente que una manifestaci�n de ambulantes.
7.- El H. Escuadr�n de Avanzada T�ctico-Militar, mejor conocido como “La Perra Brava”, provocar� que la Furia de Al� parezca un triste berrinche.
8.- No requieren de sofisticadas armas de combate, como lo ha demostrado el CGH, logrando as� grandes ahorros en recursos b�licos.
9.- Una escaramuza, al estilo Metro Balderas a las 14:30 h, es suficiente para desorientar y desorganizar al m�s ejemplar de los batallones de infanter�a.
10.- Sobrevivir�n como cucarachas. As� lo han demostrado a trav�s de m�s de 70 a�os de aguantar crisis sexenales, devaluaciones, inflaci�n, desempleo y otros males peores que los jinetes del Apocalipsis.
11.- Nuestros ‘aviadores’ son pr�cticamente invisibles, no los detecta radar alguno, ni siquiera la Secretaria de Hacienda, con lo cual se garantiza el factor sorpresa en los ataques.
12.- As� nos deshacemos de unos cuantos.

Corresponsal en M�xico: Ami Melahban Apelar

How many forum posters does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.

27 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.

53 to flame the spell checkers.

41 to correct spelling/grammar flames.

6 to argue over whether it’s “lightbulb” or “light bulb.”

Another 6 to condemn those 6 as anal-retentive.

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is “lamp.”

15 know-it-alls who claim *they* were in the industry, and that “light bulb” is perfectly correct.

156 to email the participant’s ISPs complaining that they are in violation of their “acceptable use policy.”

109 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.

203 to demand that cross posting to hardware forum, off-topic forum, and lightbulb forum about changing light bulbs be stopped.

111 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts *are* relevant to this forum.

306 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.

27 to post URL’s where one can see examples of different light bulbs.

14 to post that the URL’s were posted incorrectly and to then post the corrected URL’s.

3 to post about links they found from the URL’s that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group.

33 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add “Me too.”

12 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.

19 to quote the “Me too’s” to say “Me three.”

4 to suggest that posters request the light bulb FAQ.

44 to ask what a “FAQ” is.

4 to say “Didn’t we go through this already a short time ago?”

143 to say “Do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs.”

10 posters to claim the light bulb failed because of George Bush’s policies.

20 to denounce those 10 and blame the failure on the previous administration.

1 to say that if you were any damn good at all you wouldn’t need the freaking light bulb.

3 to say that those of you talking about light bulbs aren’t working and should get back to work.

1 to say that there’s really 7 that are burned out, and the government’s lying to us that there’s only 1.

1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Curtis

En el aeropuerto de Nueva York se encuentra un boeing 747, listo para despegar, lleno de pasajeros esperando que arriben los pilotos. Pasa una hora y la gente se impacienta. Por fin los pilotos llegan, pero entran por una de las puertas traseras del avi�n y se van caminando por todo el pasillo hacia la cabina.

Lo que m�s sorprende y asusta a los pasajeros es que los dos pilotos usan anteojos oscuros y bast�n mientras avanzan lentamente, golpeando con el bast�n los asientos para guiarse hasta llegar a la cabina. Despu�s de mucho esfuerzo, por fin lo logran, y se enciende la se�al de ajustarse el cintur�n para iniciar el despegue. Se aceleran las turbinas y el aparato comienza a moverse cada vez m�s r�pido.

Tensos, los pasajeros miran por las ventanillas y ven que la nave alcanza cada vez mayor velocidad. As�, pasa rauda el cartel que dice: Fin de pista 1000 m. Sigue avanzando. M�s r�pido a�n, pasa el cartel: Fin de pista 500 m, mientras sigue avanzando.

En silencio, los viajeros ven como pasa a una velocidad incre�ble el cartel que dice: Fin de pista. En ese momento, gritan desesperados y… el avi�n despega. En la cabina, el piloto le dice a su copiloto:

“�El d�a que estos cabrones no griten, nos hacemos mierda!”

Isabel y Claudia, dos viudas de edad avanzada, se encuentran sentadas en un caf� local.

Isabel: “Vieras que Jos� me pidi� que sali�ramos en una cita. Como me enter� que saliste con el la semana pasada, me gustar�a hablar contigo acerca de �l antes de darle mi respuesta.”

Claudia: “Bueno, d�jame contarte: El se present� a mi apartamento puntualmente a las 7:00 PM vestido como todo un caballero en un fino traje y me trajo un arreglo floral precioso. Despu�s bajamos las escaleras hacia la calle y me encontr� con una limusina con chofer uniformado y todo lo dem�s. Me llev� a comer, una cena maravillosa, con langosta, champa�a, postre y bebidas. Despu�s me llev� a ver una obra de teatro y d�jame decirte Isabel, la disfrute tanto que me pude haber muerto de la felicidad en ese momento.

Mas tarde me llevo a mi apartamento y se convirti� en un animal. Completamente loco, me arranc� en pedazos mi vestido mas fino y caro e hizo su santa voluntad conmigo, �dos veces!”

Isabel: “�Dios mi�! �Entonces me est�s diciendo que no salga con el?”

Claudia: “�No, no, no! �Simplemente te estoy diciendo que uses un vestido barato!”

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care
where.”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy,” admitted the
manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he
snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m
not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed.

“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.

“Never better.”

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope, I shut him up in no time,� said the Marine.

“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine
explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight,
beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”