Yours Fun Portal !
Iban tres amigos en una motocicleta. El primero iba conduciendo, el del medio era tartamudo, y el �ltimo se llamaba Jaime.
El primero, que conduc�a, les dijo a sus dos amigos que se prepararan para sentir adrenalina, y aceler� su motocicleta.
El del medio, tartamudo, comenz� a decir:
“�Ja-Ja-Ja-Ja!”
Y el que conduc�a, al pensar que se su amigo se re�a, aceleraba cada vez m�s.
Despu�s de un rato, cuando se detuvieron, el del medio habl� diciendo:
“�Ja-Ja-Ja-Jaime se cay�!”
La Madre Superiora estaba entrevistando a una de sus monjas que hab�a decidido dejar el convento.
“�Y qu� vas a hacer de hoy en adelante?”
“Quiero volverme una prostituta.”
“�UNA QUEEE? �Qu� fue lo que dijiste?”
“Dije que quiero volverme una prostituta.”
“�Oh, gracias a Dios! Pens� que hab�as dicho una protestante.”
How do you know when Michal Jackson is having a party
there are 20 bigwheels parked in his front yard
Two [ethnic] guys, Fred and Bob were walking down a street.
They saw a pile of something that sparked their interest.
“Looks like shit” Bob said.
“Yup, yup, looks like shit.” Fred answered.
“Smell it, see if it smells like shit.” Bob told him.
So Fred smells it and says, “Yup, smells like shit.”
“Feel it, see if it feels like shit.” Bob said.
“Yup, sure feels like shit.” Fred answers.
“Taste it, maybe it tastes like shit.” Bob told Fred.
“Yup, yup. Tasted like shit.” Fred said.
“Well, if it looks like shit, smells like shit,
feels like shit, and tastes like shit, it must be a pile of shit.”
Bob concluded.
“I’m sure glad we didn’t step in then.”
One day an Indian, English, and Polish guy all wanted to get blow jobs.
So they decided to go to a place where they could get what they wanted.
When they got in they saw that there were three levels: gold, silver and
bronze.
So the English guy said, “I think I will take the bronze level. The other
two guys sat there for about two minutes when the English guy came out.
He said that was the best blow job he had ever had. The Indian asked him
what she did that was so special.
He said she put ice cream on my dick and licked it all off.
Then the Indian said I think I will take the silver level. Three minutes
later the Indian come out and said that was the best blow job I’ve ever
had.
The other two guys asked what she did. He said she put ice cream, hot
fudge and caramel on my dick and licked it all off.
The Polish guy was amazed at what she did to the Indian so he decided to
take the gold room.
Five minutes later he came out saying, “That was the best blow job I’ve
ever had.”
There was a pause, then the English guy asked the Polish guy what she did.
He said she put, ice cream, hot fudge, caramel, whipped cream and a cherry
on my dick.
There was another pause, “Then what? Then what?” shouts the English guy.
“Well,” said the Polish guy “it looked so good I ate it myself.”
En una fiesta de animales un burro y un monito se embriagaron hasta m�s no poder; los dos animales se encontraron y tan fuerte era la borrachera que decidieron tener relaciones sexuales, a pesar de ser animales distintos.
Primero comienza el monito, saca su pene y lo embarra con vaselina. El burro, asombrado, le pregunta al monito: “�Y para qu� utilizas esa vaselina?”
El mono le responde: “Eso es para que pase suavecito.”
Sigue el turno del burro y saca su enorme miembro y le embarra un contenido completo de mentol (Vic Vaporub) y el monito, m�s asombrado que el burro, le pregunta: “�Y para qu� es ese mentol?”
El burro le responde: “Eso es para que no se te apriete el pecho”.
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great checkups. Is there anything that you’d like to ask me?””Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.””That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?””Yeah, and they’re in favour 15 to 2.”
En la Habana, en una parada de autob�s todos estaban desesperados porque no hab�a llegado el autob�s. Cuando por fin lleg�, todos desesperados se aventaron por querer subirse. Un negrito chaparro quedo atr�s de una se�ora gordotota que llevaba una bolsa llena de cachivaches; cuando �sta se atora, el moreno, desesperado, la agarra del trasero y la empuja. La mujer se encabrona y empieza a golpear al pobre negro hasta que lleg� la polic�a y, como la dama no se quer�a calmar, los llevaron con un juez:
“A ve’, mi negro, �qu� fue lo que pas�?”
“Pue’ mire, e’taba yo e’perando la guagua y e’ta vieja que se sube y que no se sube y entonce’ que la agarro de las nachas…”
El magistrado interrumpe molesto:
“Oiga, mi negro, no se dice nachas se dice gl�teos”.
“Ah, bueno, e’ que yo e’taba e’perando la guagua y e’ta vieja que se sube y que no se sube. Entonce’ yo que la agarro de las pompas…”
El juez vuelve a interrumpir:
“Oiga, mi negro, que no se dice pompas se dice gl�teos…”
E’ta bien, e’ta bien. Yo e’taba e’perando la guagua y e’ta vieja que se sube y que no se sube. Entonce’…”
El tipo se queda pensando y le pregunta al juez:
“Oiga, se�or juez, �c�mo me dijo que se llamaba el culo de e’ta vieja?”
Tres generales, uno de Estados Unidos, uno ruso y uno argentino, est�n en un barco presumiendo de lo valerosos que son sus hombres. El general gringo llama a uno de sus soldados y le dice:
“T�rate al agua, nada alrededor del barco y vuelve.”
El soldado, sin pensarlo dos veces, se tira de cabeza al agua, nada alrededor del barco y vuelve. Entonces el general americano le dice a los otros dos generales:
“�Son estos huevos o qu�?”
Pero el general ruso no se deja impresionar, llama a uno de sus soldados y le dice:
“T�rate al agua, da veinte vueltas a barco buceando, y caza un tibur�n con tu cuchillo.”
El ruso se lanza al agua inmediatamente, y sin asomarse a respirar da las veinte vueltas al barco y luego mata con su cuchillo a un tibur�n que pasaba por all�. Cuando vuelve al barco con el tibur�n, el general ruso le dice a los otros dos:
“�Son estos huevos o qu�?”
Entonces el general argentino llama a uno de sus oficiales y le dice:
“Te vas a tirar al agua haciendo el salto del �ngel, vas a bucear hasta el fondo del mar, vas a buscar un barco hundido con un tesoro, y mientras te lo traes aqu� vas a matar veinte tiburones con tus manos desnudas.”
El oficial argentino le contesta indignado:
“�Oiga, y por qu� no manda usted a su puta madre?”
El general argentino se vuelve hacia los otros dos generales y les dice con la cara rebosante de orgullo:
“�Son estos huevos o qu�?.
A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.
Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?
Canadian: We send ’em to France to get turned into paper plates.
French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?
Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send ’em to France to get turned into picket fences. Hey, what do you do with your used crazy glue?
French man: We send it to Canada to get turned into bubble gum!
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St.
Peter said, “I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computers down. You’ll
have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as humans.
What’ll it be?”
The first priest says, “I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the
Rocky mountains. “So be it,” says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, “Will any of this
week ‘count’, St. Peter? “No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we
can keep track of what you’re doing. The week’s a freebie.
“In that case,” says the second priest, “I’ve always wanted to be a stud.”
“So be it,” says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall
the two priests.
“Will you have any trouble locating them?” He asks.
“The first one should be easy,” says St. Peter. “He’s somewhere over the
Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more
difficult.”
“Why?” asked the Lord.
St. Peter answered, “He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota!”
Top 47 Reasons for women NOT To Have Sex
1. The pitter patter of little feet
2. Never let ’em see you sweat
3. Your parents might realise that you’re not 12 years old anymore
4. Naked men
5. Guilt, guilt, and GUILT
6. You might like it
7. Rhenquist, Scalia, Kennedy, Souter, Thomas
8. Paying back oral sex debts
9. Only pagans procreate
10. Castration
11. You might fall in lust or, Heaven forbid, love
12. Body hair
13. Too many lights on in the room
14. Your roommate and neighbours can’t sleep with all that screaming
15. Axl Rose
16. Since that nasty little Gulf War, there’s no money left for research and treatment of those nasty little Sexually Transmitted Diseases
17. Why bother doing it yourself? Just buy the new Prince album
18. Pennsylvania Abortion Law
19. Utah Abortion Law
20. Alabama Abortion Law
21. Taking care of the orgasm deficit
22. Yeast infections
23. Too sticky
24. Messes up your hair
25. Charley-horses
26. Bladder infections
27. Cher
28. “It’s only a cold sore”
29. Photographers with infrared cameras (remember, if it can be seen from a public place, it’s not private)
30. Hetero men who ask, “Did you come yet?”
31. SOMEBODY has to sleep in the wet spot
32. Taking off the jimmy-hat
33. In horror flicks, people having sex are always the first to be killed by axe murderers in hockey masks
34. The ever popular Eternal Damnation
35. Smegma
36. You still live with your parents
37. You love her but you’re not *in love* with her
38. Creation of sounds not meant to be emitted by the human body
39. Drooling
40. Letters to the Editor
41. Calling out the wrong name
42. Potential threat to your political aspirations (unless you’re a Kennedy)
43. Your brother gets home from school at 3:00
44. No one to have sex with
45. Carpet burn
46. Any offspring resultant from sex may end up looking like you !
47. Worse than No.46.. they could end up looking like him !