Category: other

13> Tom Cruise Control.

12> Spare tire compartment contains a skirt with a long slit to attract potential tire-changing good Samaritans hoping to get lucky.

11> The mirror reads, “Asses in mirror appear smaller because they *really are* smaller. It’s not an optical illusion. And you look totally smokin’ in those khakis.”

10> Whenever an unattractive man turns the ignition, the engine doesn’t start and a voice states, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

9> Radio filters out stupid men’s voices one week out of every month.

8> Out: lumbar support. In: emotional support.

7> Lower-dash-mounted fan — ’cause you try wearing panty-hose all day in July, Mister!

6> In lieu of a honking horn, steering wheel whispers, “You’re fat!” at drivers of threatening cars.

5> Fake steering wheel and pedals on the passenger side so, as in every other aspect of the marriage, hubby can pretend *he’s* in control.

4> During PMS, OnStar system locates the nearest chocolate retailer.

3> At tune-ups, the car requests gasoline with oil separately on the side, dry wiper fluid, towel-patted engine block and please put on the new tires *before* doing the alignment.

2> A simple controller switch adjusts gas/brake pedal positions for flats, office heels or clubbing heels.

1> Cup holder now dubbed the “testicle receptacle” for holding your emasculated PT Cruiser-driving boyfriend’s balls.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]

En la alcoba conyugal, la sensual esposa recibe al marido a las tres de la ma�ana dici�ndole:

“Desabrocha mi blusa y d�jala sobre la cama.”

“S�.”

“Ahora el sost�n y ponlo en la silla.”

“Claro.”

“Deja mi falda en el ropero.”

“Bueno.”

“Ahora mis pantys en el cesto.”

“Ya est�.”

“�Y que sea la �ltima vez que te pones mi ropa, maric�n de mierda!”

an ohio state university mortician student walked into the embalming room
where a cadaver was lying on the table. confident that he knew enough now to
begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. when
he rolled it over he was shocked to see a cork in the man’s butt. mystified, he
pulled out the cork and immediately heard the university of michigan fight song
come out of the guy’s butt. shaken by what had happened he quickly shoved the
cork back into its original resting place.

he then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, “sir, you must come,
you won’t believe what i discovered!”

annoyed by the interruption, he said, “let’s take a look at this astounding
discovery.”

when they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to
see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork. upon
hearing the university of michigan fight song he quickly replaced the cork in
the cadavers butt and said, “what’s so surprising about that? i’ve heard
thousands of a******* sing that song!”

A yellow Labrador walks into a job referral agency and asks if they have any openings for him. After the receptionist picks herself up off the floor she asks the dog to leave his resume and call back in an hour.

The dog places his resume on the counter and walks out.

As soon as the dog leaves she calls the circus and asks if they can use a talking dog.

“Of course,” says the owner, “send him down.”

An hour later, the dog walks back into the agency and the receptionist yells that she has a job for the dog in the circus.

To which the dog replies, “What does the circus want with a carpenter?”

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.” That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?” The man answered, “Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!”

Did you ever hear the joke about the wall??

Better not tell you coz you mite not get over it!!!!

The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.

In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister’s embarrassment.

The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, “Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches … and for the spirit in which they were given!”

One pay day, Mr. Goodbar wanted to Skor.

So he took Miss Hershey to the Pot of Gold Motel on the corner of Aero and Fifth Avenue to show her some Twix.

He began to feel her Mounds that were pure Almond Joy.

It made her Tootsie Roll, and made him want to Eatmore.

This is Wonderbar!

He let out a Snicker as his Butterfinger went up her Kit Kat and caused a MilkyWay.

She screamed “Oh Henry”, as she grabbed his Big Turk and squeezed his M & M’s.

Miss Hershey said; “You are even better than the Three Musketeers”.

To which Mr. Goodbar replied, “When you’re this big they call you Mr. Big”.

Soon she was a bit Chunky and nine months later she had a Baby Ruth.

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring. “Get creative, Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don’t you try playing doctor for an hour?’…That’s what I do,” said Irving. “Sounds great,” Morris replied, “but how do you make it last for an hour?” “Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!”

Tres cazadores hab�an seguido por mucho tiempo la pista de un animal muy raro que ten�a un piel hermosa y muy cara.

Finalmente lograron obtener informaci�n importante sobre este animal. Descubrieron que s�lo sal�a de su escondite una vez cada 10 a�os, de noche, y que se asustaba muy f�cilmente.

Cuando llegaron al lugar donde supuestamente iba a salir el animal hicieron el trato de que pasara lo que pasara no iban a gritar ni hacer ruido. As� que se escondieron los 3, cada uno por su lado. Despu�s de varias horas de espera oyeron un ruido, y vieron al extra�o animal, y esperaron el momento ideal para disparar.

Justo cuando lo ten�an en la mira, uno de ellos sale corriendo y gritando. El animal por supuesto se escondi�, y van los otros dos cazadores donde estaba el asustado, lo encuentran sudando y con la respiraci�n agitada y le preguntan que hab�a pasado, y el les responde:

“Pues estaba yo agachado y que me sale un le�n.”

“�Y saliste corriendo y gritaste?”

“No, me acord� de nuestro trato y me aguant� y no me mov�, pero despu�s que me sale una serpiente venenosa.”

“Y entonces por eso saliste corriendo �no?”

“No, tambi�n me aguant�, pero despu�s de la sepiente llegaron dos ardillas y se me metieron al pantal�n.”

“�y eso te asust�?”

“No, me asust� cuando las o�, “�Nos las comemos aqu� o nos las llevamos a la casa!”

Va Manolo a una farmacia:

“Oiga, me puede vender un preservativo porque esta noche voy a cenar con la familia de la chica con la que salgo desde hace tres meses y despu�s, a ver si cae”.

Mientras el farmac�utico lo atiende, Manolo se queda pensando y dice:

“Bueno, mejor me pone dos porque esta chica tiene una hermana que no est� nada mal e igual cae tambi�n”.

El farmac�utico regresa por otro preservativo y Manolo dice:

“Bueno, mejor me va usted a dar tres porque la madre es una cachonda que pone los cuernos a su marido y ya metidos en harina…”

LLega la hora de la cena y aqu� tenemos al Manolo comiendo sin quitarse la gabardina, con el cuello subido y la cabeza agachada. Al acabar, cuando han salido de la casa, va la chica y le dice:

“�Manolo, no sab�a que eras tan t�mido!”

“Ni yo que tu padre era farmac�utico”.

What do you call a clean idiot?
Soap on a dope!