Category: other

Father! Father! An old man just hobbled into the church on crutches. He splashed some holy water on his right leg and then he threw away his right crutch, and then he splashed some holy water on his left leg and threw away his left crutch! And…””My boy, you’ve witnessed a miracle! Where is this old man now?””Flat on his ass on the floor over by the holy water!”

Does Your Dog Own You?See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.*You believe every dog is a lap dog.*If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.*You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.*You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.*You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.*You can’t fully enjoy yourself without your dog.*No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).*You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself*You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.*You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighbourhood. You know their names.*You let the neighbour dog sleep over.*You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.*Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.*When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.*You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.*You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.*Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

A scientist was going to do experiments on the functions
of the brain. So after gathering three volunteers, he decided
to see what would happen when he removed the left half of the
brain from the first man. After doing the operation he put
the man into a rowing machine who proceeded to row and count:
“one…three…five…seven…”

He wrote down the results and decided to see the effects
of removing the right side of the brain on his second volunteer.
After the operation he put the second man in the rowing machine
and he counted while he rowed: two…four…six…eight.

Finally, the scientist wanted to see what would happen
if he removed the entire brain. After doing so on the third
volunteer, he put him in the rowing machine and the patient
counted: uno…dos…tres…quatro…

PITTSBURG, PA
October 3, 2004

Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry kept President Bush on the defensive today, telling a Pittsburgh audience that Mr. Bush had allowed the long-dormant volcano Mount St. Helens to erupt on his watch, adding that he would “fix Mount St. Helens once and for all” if elected in November.

“When George Bush was elected president, Mount St. Helens was nothing but a trivia question,” Mr. Kerry said. “Well, guess what, folks – it’s spewing volcanic gases right now and it’s only a matter of time before she blows.”

Mr. Kerry said that Mr. Bush had refused to keep an eye on the troubling increase in volcanic activity at Mount St. Helens because he was “totally obsessed with Iraq.”

“I’ve got news for George Bush, ” Mr. Kerry said. “Saddam Hussein isn’t erupting. Mount St. Helens is erupting.”

After accusing Mr. Bush of being “in denial” about “the molten magma stewing inside that scary sucker,” Mr. Bush fired back, saying that it would be “sending the wrong message” to say that Mr. St. Helens was erupting.

What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common? They’re both cute as hell and can’t fly!

There were three priests in a railroad station, all wanting to go home to
Pittsburgh. Behind the ticket counter were very, very shapely lass, well
endowed, gorgeous, amazing woman. The priests were all in embarrassing new
territory, so they drew straws to determine who would get the tickets.

The first priest approached the window. “Young lady,” he began, “I would like
three pickets to Pittsburg.” Whereupon he completely lost his composure and
fled.

The second priest approached. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to
Pittsburgh,” he began, “and I would like the change in nipples and dimes.” So,
of course, he also fled.

Then came the third. “Young lady, I would like three tickets to Pittsburgh,
and I would like the change in nickels and dimes. And I must say,” He continued,
“if you insist on dressing like that when you get to the pearly gates, St.
Finger’s going to shake his peter at you.”

One night after prom a guy took a girl on a dead end road and she was like where are we at? The guy replied this is where guys and girls go to have sex after prom! She was like ol ok! The guy was then like do you wanna have sex and the girl replied no and the guy was like why not?!?! The girl was like because im on my period. The guy said ok well then can i eat you out and the again replied no im on my period. So they sat there for awhile and the guy was finally like well then can i finger you and she replied ok. Then not to long after that a cop pulled up and came up and knocked on the window of the car. So the guy rolls down the window and says is there a problem officer? The officer was like no but what are you kids doin and the boy replied while licking his fingers eatin pizza.

On the first day of their Honeymoon, the very naive blond virgin bride slipped into a sexy but sweet nightie and, with great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find that her new Christian husband had settled down on the couch.When she asked him why he was apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, “Because it’s Lent.”Almost in tears, she remarked, “Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard! To whom did you lend it, and for how long?”

It was during the gold rush in the Yukon Territory. Harry Alexander packed a bag, grabbed his Bible, and started out of the tent he shared with Gary Thorndike. Gary asked, “Where are you going?””I’m heading into Fort Dawson. I hear it’s the wildest town anybody’s ever seen. There’s booze you could take a bath in, gambling, and women who’ll drive you crazy with their favours.””Why are you taking your Bible?””Well, if it’s as good as they say, I’m planning to stay over Sunday!”

Man who sleep on railroad track wake up with split personality.

What do u call a black priest?

Holy shit!!

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of
heaven. “Sorry, old man,” Peter said, “But I can’t let you in.
You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin
back in 1978 — You took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game.”

“Oh, yes. I’ll never forget that one, and I’m terribly sorry Peter,
but I can explain…”, the old golfer blithered.

“Well,” said Peter, “You’ll have to take it up with The Big Guy.”

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God’s
office. “We’ve got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain…”

“So,” booms God, “You’ve been taking my name in vain.”

“Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!”

“OK. Try me, ” replied the Lord.

“Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I
made it to the 18th hole, and I’d win the tournament if I could
just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the
tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind
shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind
this enormous oak tree…”

“And that’s when you took my name in vain?”

“Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball
clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully
toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into
a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole…”

“So, that is when you took my name in vain?”

“No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove
that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the
hole…”

“Don’t tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!”