Category: other

Why Is Sex Like Riding A Bike?

You can do it by yourself, but it’s usually not as much fun.

In the beginning, there was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form, And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers

And they spoke among themselves saying, “It’s a crock of shit, and it stinks.”

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, “It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide it’s strength.”

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigour of the company with very powerful effects.”

And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good, And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how shit happens.

Las 10 mejores frases para ser dichas si te sorprenden durmiendo en el trabajo o en una reuni�n:

1. Me dijeron en el banco de sangre que esto pod�a suceder.

2. Es s�lo una siesta de 15 minutos para recuperar las energ�as, como me ense�aron en el curso de gerenciamiento de tiempo que ustedes me mandaron hacer.

3. Estaba imaginando c�mo es la vida de un ciego.

4. �No estaba durmiendo! Estaba meditando sobre la misi�n de la empresa e intentando descubrir un nuevo paradigma.

5. Quer�a verificar si mi teclado es a prueba de baba.

6. Estaba haciendo un ejercicio altamente especifico de yoga para aliviar el estr�s del trabajo. �Ustedes discriminan a las personas que practican yoga?

7. �Por qu� me interrumpi�? Casi estaba llegando a una soluci�n para nuestro mayor problema.

8. La m�quina del caf� est� malograda.

9. Alguien debe haber puesto caf� descafeinado en el frasco equivocado.

Pero de todas estas, la mejor escapatoria es:

10. … en el nombre del Padre, del Hijo y del Esp�ritu Santo. Am�n.

Mr Wong goes to an optometrist to have his failing eyesight checked out.

The optometrist runs a battery of tests and comes to a conclusion.

‘Mr Wong, I’m afraid you have a cataract’

He replies, ‘No I don’t – I drive lincoln town car!’

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar.

They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.

He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “Reebok”.

She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, “When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.”

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg.

He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis.

She jumps back with shock. “I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!”

He says, “It’s cool baby, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS”.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget
cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one
chair.”

Candy Bar Life

It was just another day and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar. I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue. I whipped out my Million Dollar Bar and whispered “Hey Sweetheart, how’d you like Crunch on My Big Hunk” she replied “Oh Henry, what a Whopper.”

Well she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll and it was pure Almond Joy. I couldn’t resist her Charms and reached out and grabbed her Mounds, it was easy to see this little Twix had the Red Hots for me. It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger slipped into her tight little Kit Kat as she screamed “Oh Henry, Oh Henry” soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and Zagnut’s.
It wasn’t long before I blew my Milk Duds to Mars, which gave her a taste of the old Milky Way. She asked about M&M , but I said “Hey Chicklet, no kinky stuff you little Reese’s pieces.Don’t be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don’t you grab my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit ‘O’ Honey”

(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!) She screamed “Oh you Cracker Jack, better than the Three Muskteers” as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup. Well I was giving it to her Good ‘N’ Plenty when all of a sudden…my Starburst! Yeah as luck would have it she started to get Chunky, complained of a Wrigley in her stomach and nine months later out popped “BABY RUTH.”

A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”

Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.

Helen said, “Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what’s your secret?”

“My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o’clock sharp.”

“You wake up at six o’clock?”

“Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours.”

Does Your Dog Own You?See how many of these statements apply to you and your dog.*You believe every dog is a lap dog.*If you are cold, you put a sweater on your dog.*You have a picture of your dog in your wallet, but not one of your kids.*You often claim that it was love at first sight with you and your dog.*You have your dog talk to your friends on the phone.*You can’t fully enjoy yourself without your dog.*No matter how large your bed is, it is not large enough for you and your dog(s).*You spend more on clothes and food for your dog than you do for yourself*You have no reservations about kissing your dog on the lips, even when you know where his lips have been.*You believe it is your duty to talk to, pat, and even feed every dog in the neighbourhood. You know their names.*You let the neighbour dog sleep over.*You believe there is no such thing as a naughty dog.*Your vet and grooming bills exceed your rent.*When you need someone to talk to, your dog is your first choice.*You sit on the floor if the dog got in the chair first.*You talk to your dog when you are driving. He answers.*Your dog taught you to fetch and roll over.

A scientist was going to do experiments on the functions
of the brain. So after gathering three volunteers, he decided
to see what would happen when he removed the left half of the
brain from the first man. After doing the operation he put
the man into a rowing machine who proceeded to row and count:
“one…three…five…seven…”

He wrote down the results and decided to see the effects
of removing the right side of the brain on his second volunteer.
After the operation he put the second man in the rowing machine
and he counted while he rowed: two…four…six…eight.

Finally, the scientist wanted to see what would happen
if he removed the entire brain. After doing so on the third
volunteer, he put him in the rowing machine and the patient
counted: uno…dos…tres…quatro…

What do JFK Jr. and a penguin have in common? They’re both cute as hell and can’t fly!