Category: other

One day a woman went to her pastor and asked, “Pastor there are some things in life that aren’t addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them.

The Pastor responded, “There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about”.

The woman responded, “PMS is not in the Bible”. So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer.

The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible.

The Pastor replied, “Yes, it’s the part where Mary rides Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!”.

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they’re dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he’s unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, “ONE, TWO, THREE…HUH!” all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?” The first whispered back, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.”

The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?” he asked. “I couldn’t even get on the bed!”

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast
infection.
He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California
Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as long time friend Aunt Jemima
delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as the man who “never knew how much
he was kneaded”.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting most of
his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a
roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife — they have two children and one in
the oven.
The funeral was held at 4:25 for about 20 minutes.

A guy is dating three women and can’t decide which one to marry.

He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money.

The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank.

The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank.

The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank.

Which one does he end up marrying?

The one with the biggest boobs.

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.”Don’t worry,” the gruff looking fellow said, “I’m in here for a white collar crime too.””Well, that’s a relief.” sighed the stockbroker.”I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading.””Oh nothing fancy like that for me.” grinned the convict.”I just killed a couple of priests.”

When the amish hunt, they sneak up on a dear and build a barn around it.

The Top 20 Things You Hear In A Football Broadcast… That Sound
Dirty — But Aren’t

20. The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.
19. He came at his blind side and got him from behind.
18. He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow.
17. It’s a game of inches.
16. That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.
15. When you get down in this area, you just gotta start
pounding.
14. He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.
13. He found his tight end.
12. End around.
11. He had to stretch to get it in.
10. He gets penetration in the backfield.
9. He blows them off (at the line)
8. He bangs it in.
7. He could go all the way.
6. He gets it off just in time.
5. He goes deep.
4. He found a hole and slid through it.
3. He pounds it in.
2. He beats them off (the line)
1. He’s got great hands.

In the beginning, there was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form, And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers

And they spoke among themselves saying, “It’s a crock of shit, and it stinks.”

And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”

And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, “It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide it’s strength.”

And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”

And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”

And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigour of the company with very powerful effects.”

And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good, And the Plan became Policy.

And this is how shit happens.

Las 10 mejores frases para ser dichas si te sorprenden durmiendo en el trabajo o en una reuni�n:

1. Me dijeron en el banco de sangre que esto pod�a suceder.

2. Es s�lo una siesta de 15 minutos para recuperar las energ�as, como me ense�aron en el curso de gerenciamiento de tiempo que ustedes me mandaron hacer.

3. Estaba imaginando c�mo es la vida de un ciego.

4. �No estaba durmiendo! Estaba meditando sobre la misi�n de la empresa e intentando descubrir un nuevo paradigma.

5. Quer�a verificar si mi teclado es a prueba de baba.

6. Estaba haciendo un ejercicio altamente especifico de yoga para aliviar el estr�s del trabajo. �Ustedes discriminan a las personas que practican yoga?

7. �Por qu� me interrumpi�? Casi estaba llegando a una soluci�n para nuestro mayor problema.

8. La m�quina del caf� est� malograda.

9. Alguien debe haber puesto caf� descafeinado en el frasco equivocado.

Pero de todas estas, la mejor escapatoria es:

10. … en el nombre del Padre, del Hijo y del Esp�ritu Santo. Am�n.

A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar.

They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.

He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “Reebok”.

She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it.

Dennis says, “When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.”

A bit later, his pants are off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg.

He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.

Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis.

She jumps back with shock. “I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!”

He says, “It’s cool baby, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS”.

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.

When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget
cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one
chair.”

Mr Wong goes to an optometrist to have his failing eyesight checked out.

The optometrist runs a battery of tests and comes to a conclusion.

‘Mr Wong, I’m afraid you have a cataract’

He replies, ‘No I don’t – I drive lincoln town car!’