Category: other

Four brothers got together to figure out what to put on their
mother’s tombstone, for she had just passed away. She had been
married four times–to a banker, a musician, a minister, and an
undertaker. After thinking hard, they came up with this phrase:
One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and
four to go.

The Swedish Couple were applying for a marriage license. The clerk asked the gentleman his name and he replied, “Yonnie Yohnson”. The clerk said, “You’re Swedish, aren’t you.” The man replied,”Yah”.The clerk asked the lady for her name. She replied, “Olga Olsen”. The clerk said, “Oh, you have a little Swede in you, too. The lady replied, “Yah, Yonnie yust couldn’t vait.”

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time …… and maybe do it several times a day. Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year….. maybe on your anniversary.The young fellow then asked his grandfather, “Well how about you and Grandma now?”His grandfather replied, “Oh, we just have oral sex now.””What’s oral sex?” the young fellow asked.”Well,” Grandpa said, “She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to in my bedroom…. And she yells, ‘Fuck You!!!!!’ and I holler back, ‘Fuck You too.’ “

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: What are YOU shaking for? She’s going to eat me!

El siguiente examen consiste en cuatro preguntas de aptitud ejecutiva que le dir�n si est� calificado para obtener un puesto como ejecutivo. Lea atentamente la pregunta y sin leer la respuesta, diga en voz alta la respuesta que pens�. Despu�s, comp�rela. Haga esto mismo con cada una de las 4 preguntas. Las respuestas no son dif�ciles. Simplemente debe pensar como un(a) verdadero(a) ejecutivo.

Pregunta 1

�C�mo meter�a una jirafa en un refrigerador (nevera)?

Respuesta correcta:

Abra el refrigerador; meta la jirafa y cierre la puerta.

Esta pregunta verifica si Ud. est� haciendo las cosas simples de una manera complicada.

Pregunta 2

�C�mo meter�a un elefante en un refrigerador?

Respuesta incorrecta:

Abra la nevera; meta el elefante y cierre la nevera.

Respuesta correcta:

Abra el refrigerador; saque la jirafa; meta el elefante y cierre la nevera.

Esta pregunta comprueba su capacidad de evaluar dificultades futuras.

Pregunta 3

El rey Le�n ha convocado a una Asamblea General de Animales. Todos fueron, menos uno. �Cu�l?

Respuesta correcta:

El elefante. �Est� en el refrigerador!

Esta pregunta eval�a su capacidad de razonamiento comprensivo.

Pregunta 4

En la selva hay un r�o lleno de cocodrilos, y Ud. no cuenta con embarcaci�n alguna. �C�mo lo cruzar�a?

Respuesta correcta:

Nadando. �Todos los cocodrilos est�n en la reuni�n del rey Le�n!

Esta pregunta eval�a su agilidad mental.

Calificaci�n para puestos:

4 respuestas correctas = Direcci�n ejecutiva, presidencia.
3 respuestas correctas = Gerencias medias.
2 respuestas correctas = Asistentes, jefaturas.
1 respuesta correcta = Obrero, oficinista.
Ninguna respuesta correcta = Ded�quese a la pesca con red, porque con anzuelo no sacar� nada.

Un d�a, Jaimito llegaba de la escuela y va a buscar a su madre a casa, buscando buscando, se le ocurre entrar en la habitaci�n de la madre, y se encuentra a su madre chingando con su padre.

Jaimito sorprendido les pregunta:

“Mam� �que haces?”

“Jugando una partida al mus.”

Jaimito se marcha a buscar a su abuela, para que le haga la merienda. Entra en la habitaci�n de la abuela y se encuentra a su abuela con el abuelo chingando con su abuelo. jaimito les pregunta:

“Abuelitos �que haceis?”

“Jugando una partida al Poker, le contesta la abuelita.”

Al cabo de un tiempo la abuela, el abuelo, el padre y la madre, entran todos juntos en ba�o, y se encuentran a jaimito masturb�ndose.

Todos sorprendidos le preguntan a jaimito:

“Hijito �que haces?”

“�Jugando a un solitario!”

sca humourThis is for all those who are familiar with the Society for Creative Anachronism. If you don’t know what that means, you’re not alone…Disclaimer: If you are low on humor or feel that you have to defend the rights of fictitious people being made fun of: abort, delete or pay no attention to the following. In short, the following is all in fun and not meant to hurt anyone’s feelings. Please post all personal flames directly to me and not the list. Thank you.Today… Several SCA people were released from a hospital when it was realize brain damage and massive bruising were exceptable terms for being a Squire. While Knights suffered the same ailments, studies show that they just refuse to call it… into their doctors.More Medical News… The feast-ocrat for the up coming event seems to have been found wondering the streets and despondent. Not having ID the police immediately knew who the person was as she kept mumbling the words, ‘I have to cook for 200 hundred people and KFC is not period’.Sports News… Duke O.J. kills his 1,000 opponent. Denying the fact, his Grace stated, ‘If I had killed that many it was because I loved them’.Court News… After a grueling 10 hour debate, the Order of the Pelican decided to elevate Lord Gryphan. With the help of entire Chivalry, 3 mules and a block & tackle, Lord Gryphan was elevated to a height of 10 feet.Also today there has been a new order approved by the reigning King and Queen. The Order of the Winged Slipper. It’s appearance is that of the winged shoes that Greek God Mercury wore. The qualifications of the order are that someone is able to retrieve Taco Bell food in under 10 minutes and sneak to Their Majesty’s without anyone noticing.The Winged Slipper scroll is said to have bright illumination around the edge, which, according to some, overpower the calligraphy. Upon questioning Their Majesties they said that the design was on purpose to encourage members to.. run for the boarder.

Three prisoners, an American, a German, and a Mexican, are scheduled to be executed by firing squad.

They bring out the American and stand him in front of the pole.

He points and shouts, “Tornado!”

They all look and the American runs away.

Next, they place the German in front of the firing squad. He yells “Earthquake!”

They all hit the dust and the German escapes.

Next up is the Mexican. He looks around and shouts “Fire!”

A customer was continually bothering the waiter in a restaurant; first, he’d asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, walking back and forth and never once getting angry. So finally, a second customer asked why didn’t they just throw out the pest.

“Oh I don’t care.” said the waiter with a smile. “We don’t even have an air conditioner.”

One day a woman went to her pastor and asked, “Pastor there are some things in life that aren’t addressed in the Bible; how are we supposed to deal with them.

The Pastor responded, “There are no such things, give me an example of what you are talking about”.

The woman responded, “PMS is not in the Bible”. So the Pastor thought and told the woman to call back in the morning and he would have the answer.

The woman called the next morning and asked if the Pastor had an answer about PMS in the Bible.

The Pastor replied, “Yes, it’s the part where Mary rides Joseph’s ass all the way to Bethlehem!!!”.

Two dwarfs decide to treat themselves to a vacation in Las Vegas. At the hotel bar, they’re dazzled by two women, and wind up taking them to their separate rooms. The first dwarf is disappointed, however, as he’s unable to reach a certain physical state that would enable him to join with his date. His depression is enhanced by the fact that, from the next room he hears cries of, “ONE, TWO, THREE…HUH!” all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, “How did it go?” The first whispered back, “It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn’t get an erection.”

The second dwarf shook his head. “You think that’s embarrassing?” he asked. “I couldn’t even get on the bed!”

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast
infection.
He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years.
Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California
Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies.

The graveside was piled high with flours, as long time friend Aunt Jemima
delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as the man who “never knew how much
he was kneaded”.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with
many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting most of
his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a
roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife — they have two children and one in
the oven.
The funeral was held at 4:25 for about 20 minutes.