Category: other

A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to a drawing he
was doing with varicolored crayons. His mother finally looked over
his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked “Who’s that you’re drawing, son?”
The son answered, “God.”
“Don’t be silly,” reproved the mother. “Nobody knows what God looks
like.”
Not even pausing in his task, the son announced calmly, “They will
when I’m finished!”

What did they call the first Chinese test tube baby?

– No Fun Son

What’s the difference between oral sex & anal sex? Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.””Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.” “I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.””Well, then we need a urine sample.””I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.””Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.””I can’t do that, officer.””Why not?””Because I’m too drunk to do that!”

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and
Powell?”

The barman says, “Yep, that’s them.”

So the guy walks over and says, “Hello, what are you
guys doing?”

And Bush says, “We’re planning world war 3”

And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

And Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million
Afghans this time and one bicycle repairman.”

And the guy exclaimed, “A bicycle repairman?!!!”

So Bush turns to Powell and says, ” See, I told you no-
one would worry about the 140 million Afghans!”

When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds

Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best ot make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse.

My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.

“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re STUPID, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”

As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.

Rule one: If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure as heck not picking anything up.

Rule two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to assure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric staple gun and fasten your trousers securely in place around your waist.

Rule Four: I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL kill you.

Rule five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”.

Rule six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make YOU cry.

Rule seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process which can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter. Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wodden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight, Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater and a goose down parka zipped up to her adam’s apple. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. Hockey games are okay.

My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too–there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate–ink washes off–and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.

One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the frond door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run throught the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.

Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?

Un hombre muri� y fue enviado al infierno. All� encontr� al diablo, quien le dijo que acababan de introducir algunas mejoras y que ahora cada nuevo inquilino pod�a elegir entre tres tipos de tortura. El demonio le explic� que estas torturas corr�an en ciclos de mil a�os y que pod�a elegir en cu�l ciclo empezar.

El tipo fue conducido por el diablo a la primer sala de torturas donde un hombre estaba siendo azotado con cadenas.

“Paso al siguiente”, dijo el fulano.

En la siguiente sala, un hombre estaba colgado de los brazos y lo estaban azotando con un l�tigo con puntas de hierro. El tipo sacudi� la cabeza en se�al de disgusto.

Finalmente, pasaron a la �ltima sala, donde otro hombre estaba atado a la pared, totalmente desnudo. Una mujer escultural le estaba pr�cticando sexo oral. El tipo indica:

“S�, s�, aqu� es donde quiero empezar”.

El diablo le pregunt�:

“�Est�s seguro? Te recuerdo que esto va a durar mil a�os”.

“S�, estoy seguro. �ste es el lugar”.

“Bueno”, acepta el demonio encogi�ndose de hombros.

El diablo camin� hasta donde estaba la hermosa rubia, le toc� el hombro y le dijo:

“Ya lleg� tu reemplazo”.

Q: Why doesn’t Mexico have an olympic team?

A: Cause all of their runners, swimmers, and jumpers are in the United States.

Un hombre muy bien parecido decidi� buscar a la mujer perfecta para que juntos pudieran tener los hijos m�s bellos del mundo.

Despu�s de mucho buscar, conoci� a las tres hermosas hijas de un granjero y pens� que cualquiera de ellas ser�a una buena elecci�n. El granjero, que quer�a casar a sus hijas, accedi� gustoso a que el hombre saliera con ellas.

As� que el tipo sali� con la primera y al d�a siguiente le dijo al granjero: “Mire, su hija es un poquit�n, nada del otro mundo, bizca”.

Al d�a siguiente, el hombre sali� con la segunda hermana y al regresar le dijo al granjero: “Mire, su hija es un poquit�n, nada del otro mundo, coja”.

Finalmente, el tipo sali� con la tercera y al regresar dijo: “�Es perfecta! �Quiero casarme con ella de inmediato!”

Meses m�s tarde naci� un beb�. Cuando el hombre lo vio por primera vez qued� horrorizado: el beb� era el m�s horrible y pat�tico que pueda imaginarse. Deseperado, el tipo corri� a ver al suegro y le pregunt� c�mo pod�a pasar eso con unos padres como ellos.

“Mire”, explic� el granjero, “Ella estaba un poquit�n, nada del otro mundo, embarazada cuando usted la conoci�”.

What do you call 32 hillbillies standing in line?

A full set of teeth!

A Huge 300lb. woman walks in to a tattoo shop and asks the artist, “Sir could you do a tattoo of Iron Mike Tyson on this leg?” “And another of Mohammed Ali on this leg?”

“Sure I think I can do that just come on back and have a seat.” A couple hours later the man gets finished up and shows the woman the final product.

The woman takes a look at the tattoo for a while and says, “well sir we have a problem, this doesn�t look like Iron Mike Tyson and this sure as hell doesn�t look like Mohammed Ali.”

The man sits and thinks for a second and says to himself, “man I sure as hell don’t want to get into a fight with this 300lb. woman”…he sits for a little longer and comes up with a solution.

He tells the woman “ok here’s the deal, you go out side and the first person you see I want you to ask them if that tattoo looks like Tyson and if that one looks like Ali.”

So the woman agrees and walks outside to this drunk man walking down the street, she approaches the man pulls up her skirt and asks him, “Sir does this look anything like Iron Mike Tyson to you?”

Takes a drink of his wine and says (in a drunk voice) “naw sure don’t.”

Woman: Well ok now, “does this look anything like Mohammad Ali to you?”

Taking another sip he says nope that sure don’t but you see that one in the middle that looks just like Don King..

Four brothers got together to figure out what to put on their
mother’s tombstone, for she had just passed away. She had been
married four times–to a banker, a musician, a minister, and an
undertaker. After thinking hard, they came up with this phrase:
One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and
four to go.