Category: other

what did the egg say to the boiling water?

give me a minute to get hard, i just got laid yesterday!!!!!

An old Jewish man was once on the subway, and he sat down next to a younger
man. He noticed that the young man had a strange kind of shirt collar.
Having never seen a priest before, he asked the man, “Excuse me sir, but
why do you have your shirt collar on backwards?”

The priest became a bit flustered but politely answered, “I wear this
collar because I am a Father.”

The Jewish man thought a second and responded, “Sir, I am also a Father but
I wear my collar front-ways. Why do you wear your collar so differently?”

The priest thought for a minute and said, “Sir, I am the father for many.”

The Jewish man quickly answered, “I too am the father of many. I have four
sons, four daughters and too many grandchildren to count. But I wear my
collar like everyone else does. Why do you wear it your way?”

The priest who was beginning to get exasperated thought and then blurted
out, “Sir, I am the father for hundreds and hundreds of people.”

The Jewish man was taken aback and was silent for a long time. As he got
up to leave the subway train, he leaned over to the priest and said,
“Er… Mister, perhaps, you should wear your pants backwards.”

What three words will a Jewish American Princess never hear?

“Attention K-mart shoppers”

About a month ago, a man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.”‘

“But I made him agree to pay me 200 Euros for every week he stayed.”

“I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”

“Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind.” He paused for a moment and then said, “I have one more question…”

“What is that, my son?”

“Do I have to tell him the war is over?”

Did you here that Chevy and Toyota will be working together to build a car at the old Chevette factory?

The new sportscar will feature bucket seats and automatic wipers.

It will be called . . . the Toy-a-let.

I’M NOT SAYING SHE’S EASY, BUT…She’s been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.She’s been laid on more kitchen floors than linoleum.She’s done more screwing than Black and Decker.She’s responsible for more merry men than Robin Hood.She’s turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.She’s been boarded more times than Amtrak.She’s been mounted more often than Trigger.She’s been involved with more animals than Marlin Perkins.She’s entertained more troops than Bob Hope.She’s been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.She’s been turned more ways than Rubik’s Cube.She’s spent more time under men than barstools.She’s seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.She’s had more turnovers than the International House of Pancakes.She’s been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.She’s had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.Her body has been declared a national recreation area.Her diaphragms come with a service contract.She has an IUD with a beeper.She uses industrial strength douche.Her gynecologist entered her in the Grand Canyon look-alike contest.Her underwear is by Rubbermaid.Her pantyhose has a pet door.She was hospitalized for six months when a truck driver mistook her for the Channel Tunnel.

A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.

The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets
he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and
will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says
he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The
woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and
that she should come in at 8am the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The
Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just
hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly
line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from
here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She
has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of
marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and take 2 marbles
and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.

The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20
minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new
employee and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I
wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”

Bush and Powell are sitting in a bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and
Powell?”

The barman says, “Yep, that’s them.”

So the guy walks over and says, “Hello, what are you
guys doing?”

And Bush says, “We’re planning world war 3”

And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”

And Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million
Afghans this time and one bicycle repairman.”

And the guy exclaimed, “A bicycle repairman?!!!”

So Bush turns to Powell and says, ” See, I told you no-
one would worry about the 140 million Afghans!”

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.””Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.” “I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.””Well, then we need a urine sample.””I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.””Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.””I can’t do that, officer.””Why not?””Because I’m too drunk to do that!”

A priest is walking along a pier in Rome when he sees a fisherman ready to go out fishing.
He starts a conversation and the fisherman asks if he would like to go fishing with him. The priest says he knows nothing about fishing. The fisherman says he’ll explain everything the priest needs to know.

As soon as they get out into deep water, the priest reels in this huge fish. The fisherman looks at the fish and says” Father, that’s one big son-of-a-bitch”

The priest looks at the man and says ” My son, please refrain from using that kind of language.”

The fisherman thinks quick and says” No father, that’s what they call this type of fish, a son-of-a-bitch”

The priest, knowing nothing about fishing says” What an interesting name”

When they get back to land, the priest is excited about the fish he caught. He runs to the parish and sees the Bishop in the Chapel.

“Hey Bishop, look at the size of this son-of-a-bitch I just caught”

The Bishop jumps back and says” Father, how dare you use that kind of language in church”

The priest says” No,Bishop, that’s the name of this type of fish. It’s called a son-of-a-bitch”

The Bishop says” Really, well how about if I clean the son-of-a-bitch and then I’ll take it to Mother Superior so she can cook the son-of-a-bitch”

The Bishop cleans the fish and brings it to the Mother Superior.

“Mother Superior, I just cleaned this son-of-a-bitch, would you mind cooking it for supper”

The Mother Superior gasps ” Bishop, you of all people should know better than to use that kind of language”

The bishop says” No sister, that’s what you call this type of fish. It’s called a son-of-a-bitch”

“Oh” says the Mother Superior, “Of course I’ll cook the son-of-a-bitch”

That night at supper, the Pope comes over for dinner and comments on how delicious the fish was and wonders where they got it.

The priest says” I caught the son-of-a-bitch”

The bishop says” I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch”

The Mother Superior says” I cooked the son-of-a-bitch”

The pope looks at all three for a long time, puts his feet on the table and his hands behind his head and says ” You know, you fuckers are OK”

One day mom was cleaning juniors room and in the closet she found a bondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hide the magazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. She finally asked him, ” Well what should we do about this?” Dad looked at her and said, “Well I don’t think you should spank him.”

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are… very slowly?

The blonde guy leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrr-gerrrrr Kiiinnnggg.”