Yours Fun Portal !
A passerby watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
“Tell me,” said the passerby, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Well,” said the digger,” Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn’t mean Mick and I have to take the day off, does it?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis and Tantilazing
Dos amigos se encuentran luego de mucho tiempo sin verse. Despu�s de los saludos normales, uno le pregunta al otro:
“Y qu� �te casaste?”
“Ah, s�, con aquella rubia de pelo largo, alta, delgada y bonita, que est� all�”.
“�Guau, qu� suerte! �Y sabe cocinar?”
“Uy, s�, de maravilla”.
“�Qu� afortunado!”
“Pues s�, �y t�?”
“Pues yo me cas� con una gorda, gord�sima, que ni cabe en el auto, compadre. Tiene los sobacos peludos y le apestan. Es m�s guarra… Hasta eructa cuando hacemos el amor”.
“Pero qu�, �sabe cocinar al menos?”
“�No, que va, tampoco…!”
“�Entonces, compadre, por qu� sigue con esa mujer?”
“�Es que cuando va al ba�o caga unas lombrices rebuenas para pescar!”
Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.
1. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it
will take until your free refills cost money.
2. If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3. Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and
tell your neighbors that you’re a “spider person.”
4. When attending a movie you’ve already seen, yell out: “Don’t
let him in! He’s the killer!”
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson
how often you should walk it.
6. When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: “I hope I fixed it
this time.”
7. Beep when a large person backs up.
8. Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about
the “little men.”
9. Insist on making inanimate objects “dance”
10. Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11. Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it’s full,
then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19
seconds.
12. When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw
desperately at the roof of the car.
13. Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room
because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14. While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash
noises.
15. Insist that life is “one big musical,” then try to prove
your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
Something I think you could put on a brthday card. or any other
greetings card.
Front Page.
There’s money on the inside,
There’s money on the INSIDE!
THERE’S MONEY ON THE INSIDE!!!
Inside,
There’s a lie on the outside,
There’s a lie on the OUTSIDE!
THERE’S A LIE ON THE OUTSIDE!!!
Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned
bunny and an orphaned snake. By surprising coincidence both were blind from
birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was
slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell
down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
‘Oh, my,’ said the bunny, ‘I’m terribly sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’ve
been blind since birth, so, I can’t see where I’m going. In fact, since I’m also
an orphan, I don’t even know what I am.’
‘It’s quite OK,’ replied the snake. ‘Actually, my story is much the same as
yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell
you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at
least you’ll have that going for you.’
‘Oh, that would be wonderful,’ replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all
over the bunny, and said, ‘Well, you’re covered with soft fur; you have really
long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I’d say that
you must be a bunny rabbit.’
‘Oh, thank you! Thank you,’ cried the bunny in obvious excitement.
The bunny suggested to the snake, ‘Maybe I could feel you all over with my
paw, and help you the same way you’ve helped me.’ So the bunny felt the snake
all over, and remarked, ‘Well, you’re scaly and smooth, and you have a forked
tongue, no backbone and no balls. I’d say you must be either an accountant, or
possibly someone in senior management.’
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an
unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said, “Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me.”
“One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am, and then my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my
clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.”
That night, on a meal of lightly sauteed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought, “I don’t fu#ken think so!”
Llaman al m�dico de urgencias:
“�Doctor, mi hijo se ha tragado un preservativo, venga corriendo!”
“S�, s�, voy ahora mismo!”
El doctor estaba recogiendo el malet�n, cuando, de repente, vuelve a sonar el tel�fono:
“�Doctor?”
“�Si?”
“Soy la que le llam� antes. Que ya no hace falta que venga, ya encontramos otro preservativo.”
Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill’s wife was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.
Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed him and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”
John admitted that, well, yes he did. She said “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.”
After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, John should come to her house around 2:00 PM on Friday.
Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex, and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 PM.
He asked his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?”
Reluctantly, she replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”
Next Bill asked, “Did John give you $100?”
She thinks ‘Oh hell, he knows!’
Finally she says, “Yes, he did give me $100.”
“Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.
Your breath stinks so bad people look forward to your farts.
Aconteci� que en Cuba hab�an capturado y matado al jefe de la guerrilla conocido como el ‘Gallo Valencia’, quien intentaba sacar a Fidel Castro del gobierno. Como necesitaban a alguien que lo identificara, mandaron a buscar a la ya conocida amante del guerrillero.
La concubina llega a la morgue y le muestran el cuerpo del muerto. Fidel le pregunta: “�Es �ste el Gallo Valencia?”
Ella responde: “Como que se le parece, pero �podr�a quitarle la ropa?
Fidel manda que se desvista al difunto y pregunta de nuevo: “�Es �ste el Gallo Valencia?”
Y de nueva cuenta la amante contesta: “Efectivamente se le parece mucho, pero necesito que le quiten los calzones”.
Fidel ordena al capit�n que le quiten los calzones al muertito, y vuelve a cuestionar: “�Es �ste el Gallo Valencia?”
La mujer declara: “Muy, muy parecido; pero para salir de dudas, �le pueden bajar el pellejo del pito para estar segura?”.
As� lo ordena Fidel, y el capit�n procede a bajarle el prepucio al finado. En ese momento la amante grita:
“�Es �l, �ste s� que es el Gallo Valencia!”
Fidel encabronado le pregunta a la mujer: “�C�mo supiste que �ste era el Gallo Valencia?”
“Es que �l me dijo que, a�n despu�s de muerto, Fidel y sus soldados le seguir�an pelando la verga”.
There are three guys in a small boat and it’s sinking fast.
In the boat is a Frenchman, an American, and a Puerto Rican.
They decide that they have to throw some things overboard in order to save themselves.
“Well, I have too much of this wine and cheese,” says the Frenchman, and he throws some overboard.
“Yeah, and I have too many bananas,” says the Puerto Rican and he throws some overboard.
“Well, let me think,” says the American, and he throws the Puerto Rican overboard.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing