Category: other

Your mama so fat, she’s been married for 20 years and your dad hasn’t seen the
other side of her yet!

El matrimonio estaba conversando:

“Mi amor, �crees en el amor a primera vista?”

“�Claro! Si te hubiera mirado dos veces no me habr�a casado.”

***

“Sabes querida, cuando hablas me recuerdas al mar.”

“�Qu� lindo mi amor! !No sab�a que te impresionara tanto!”

“No me impresionas… �me mareas!”

***

El marido le pregunta a su mujer:

“�Querida, cuando me muera vas a llorar mucho?”

“Claro, sabes que lloro por cualquier tonter�a…”

***

Un matrimonio visita al m�dico. Tras examinar a la mujer, el m�dico le dice al marido:

La verdad es que no me gusta el aspecto de su esposa.

Ni a mi, pero es que su padre es rico.

***

“�Auxilio, socorro, amor que llamen a los bomberooos… se quema nuestra casaaaaa!”

“�Shhhh!… silencio mi amor, no hagas ruido, no vayas a despertar a tu madre.”

A man and his wife are lying in bed. Its 3 Oclock in the morning and theres a crazy storm outside. They hear a knock on the door and after a while the husband goes down to answer.

When he gets to the door theres an old man wearing a soaked, hooded jacket and he says
“Can you please give me a push”

The house owner slams the door and goes back to bed. He tells his wife about the old man needing a push, and that theres no way hes goin out into the storm.

But he cant get back to sleep, listening to the storm and feeling guilty about the old man. So he finally gets up and goes back down to the door. He looks out into the rain and cant see him. So he shouts,
“Old man! Where are you”

And he hears from the other side of the garden
“Im over here! On the swings!”

A Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, “Come this way,” and heads towards the back of the store.

“If I could come that way,” she tells the retreating clerk, “I wouldn’t need the batteries.”

Did you hear about the head they found in the Trinty River
* no what happened?
it had a note in its mouth and it said “I an’t got nobody!””

“

Back in the old days of the Soviet Union, a Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

‘I think it’s raining,’ he said to his wife.

‘No, that felt more like snow to me,’ she replied.

‘No, I’m sure it was just rain,’ he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

Just then they saw a minor Communist Party official walking towards them.

‘Let’s not fight about it,’ the man said. ‘Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.’

As the official approached, the man said, ‘Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?’

‘It’s raining, of course,’ he replied, and walked on.

But the woman insisted, �I know that felt like snow.’

The man quietly replied, ‘Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!’

Inhabitants of underdeveloped nations and victims of natural
disasters are the only people who have ever been happy to see soybeans.

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things that I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of the people who piss me off.

Also, let me be careful of the toes that I step on today,
as they may be connected to the butt I have to kiss tommorrow.

Help me to always give 100% at work,
20% on Monday,
20% on Tuesday,
20% on Wednesday,
20% on Thursday,
and 20% on Friday.

And last of all, help me to remember that
when I’m having a bad day and people are pissing me off,
it takes 42 muscles to frown,
and only 4 muscles to extend my middle finger and tell them to
bite me!

Uno sabe que es costarricense porque:

Crees que el jugo del lim�n cura casi todo.

Crees que un traguito de guaro cura todo lo dem�s.

Crees que aunque hayan otros equipos de f�tbol, s�lo existen la Liga y Saprisa.

Ma�ana significa ‘ahorita’.

Si un matrimonio, ceremonia, recepci�n, acto oficial, etc., comienza a las 8:00, llegas a las 10:00 y a�n no ha llegado nadie.

Culpas a los ricos de tu situaci�n econ�mica.

Culpas a los pobres del crimen.

Culpas a los liberacionistas y a los mariachis por casi todo lo de m�s.

Culpas a los ‘nicas’ por todo el resto.

Tienes m�s fe en un asaltante que en un polic�a.

Tienes m�s fe en un polic�a que en un sacerdote.

Tienes m�s fe en el alcalde que en el presidente.

Disfrutas tomar cerveza en cantidades industriales y siempre es un buen momento o hay un buen pretexto para echarse una.

Sabes que el caf� costarricense de exportaci�n es uno de las mejores del mundo, pero que el que te dan aqu� es de la broza, saborizantes, etc. Nada que ver con caf� puro.

En la mesa de un restaurante hay m�s celulares que platos con comida.

El lunes es popular. El martes las muchachas no pagan. El mi�rcoles hay 2 x 1. El jueves es un viernes chiquitito. El viernes es de party. El s�bado es de baile, y el domingo es para pasar la goma.

Al encargado de una tienda o puesto de comida r�pida le llamas ‘chamaco’… aunque est�s en Saks Fifth Avenue, N. Y. C. y �ste tenga como 80 a�os.

Comes tostadas, mondongo, morcilla, chicharrones, etc�tera… pero crees que las hamburguesas no son saludables.

Desayunas cereales e insistes en llamarlos ‘CON FLEX’.

A todos les llamas ‘compa’, ‘primo’, ‘compadre’, pero a tu verdadero hermano, le llamas ‘playo’.

Gritas a los cuatro vientos que “Como Costa Rica no hay dos”, �pero quisieras que fuera como Miami!

At a gynecologists’ convention Dr. Goldfinger began to read his paper on “The Variation of the Clitoris”.

“One of the most unusual cases I ever came across,” he told his audience, “was a clitoris that had a close resemblance to a watermelon.”

Dr. Goldfinger was interrupted by another doctor, who said that he might have been examining an enlarged organ but to compare it to a watermelon would indeed be frivolous.

Goldfinger stared him down and replied: “I wasn’t refering to size but to taste.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Four Eskimos were sitting around a block of ice one evening
telling ghost stories when one of them said, “I bet that my
igloo is the coldest igloo in the village!”

Another villager said, “That is impossible, mine must be the
coldest.” The remaining two villagers suggested that they have a
contest to see who’s igloo was the coldest. They set off
immediately to find the coldest igloo.

When they arrived at the firt Eskimo’s igloo he asked them to
observe. He gathered spit in his mouth and spit in the middle of
the igloo. As soon as the spit hit the floor it froze. The
others were very impressed.

Shortly after they arrived at the second Eskimo’s igloo. He
walked over to the stove and removed a kettle of hot tea. He
moved to the center of the igloo and poured it onto the ground.
The instant the hot tea hit the ground it froze. Amazed, the
others turned to leave.

They soon came upon the third Eskimo’s igloo. He walked up to
the stove and removed a kettle of hot cocoa. He brought it to
the middle of the room and poured it out. As soon as it came out
of the kettle it froze, then fell to the floor and shattered.
The others could not believe their eyes.

Finally they were at the fourth Eskimo’s igloo. He led them into
the bedroom where he slept. He walked them over to the bed and
pulled back the sheets. On the bed were 4 green balls. Confused,
the others asked what they were. The Eskimo smiled, pulled out a
match, and held it under the ball. A huge fart shook the igloo.

Years later that same Eskimo brags about the night that his
farts froze.

Dos amigos se encuentran luego de mucho tiempo sin verse. Despu�s de los saludos normales, uno le pregunta al otro:

“Y qu� �te casaste?”

“Ah, s�, con aquella rubia de pelo largo, alta, delgada y bonita, que est� all�”.

“�Guau, qu� suerte! �Y sabe cocinar?”

“Uy, s�, de maravilla”.

“�Qu� afortunado!”

“Pues s�, �y t�?”

“Pues yo me cas� con una gorda, gord�sima, que ni cabe en el auto, compadre. Tiene los sobacos peludos y le apestan. Es m�s guarra… Hasta eructa cuando hacemos el amor”.

“Pero qu�, �sabe cocinar al menos?”

“�No, que va, tampoco…!”

“�Entonces, compadre, por qu� sigue con esa mujer?”

“�Es que cuando va al ba�o caga unas lombrices rebuenas para pescar!”