A man was walking down the street and saw an Eskimo looking at his car tire.
So the man said, �You blow a seal?�
And the Eskimo responded �No. That�s just frost on my mustache.�
Category: other
Automotive Tools
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive car parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC’S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing convertible tops or tonneau covers.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling rollbar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in _there_?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
ZIPPO LIGHTER: See oxyacetelene torch.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for hiding six-month old Salems from the sort of person who would throw them away for no good reason.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Rolling Stones poster over the bench grinder.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar callouses in about the time it takes you to say, “Django Reinhardt”.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a Mustang to the ground after you have installed a set of Ford Motorsports lowered road springs, trappng the jack handle firmly under the front air dam.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor Chris to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic’s own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, “the sunshine vitamin”, which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Abingdon, Oxfordshire, and rounds them off.
Shooting an Elephant
How do you kill a blue elephant? With a blue elephant gun. How do you kill a pink elephant? Hold its trunk until it goes blue and the shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
Things always look darkest before they turn…
Things always look darkest
before they turn totally black.
Yo mama’s So Fat
Yo’ mama so fat, she has to use a telephone pole as a tampon!
Your Daily Moment of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just
leave me the heck alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.
3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal
your neighbor’s newspaper,that’s the time to do it.
5. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t
be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
7. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.
10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.
11. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.
12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile
away and you have their shoes.
13. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.
16. Don’t squat with your spurs on.
17. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
18. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.
19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
20. Don’t worry, it only seems wierd the first time.
21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.
22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.
23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a
raindance.
24. A closed mouth gathers no feet.
25. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.
26. There are two theories to arguing with men. Neither one
works.
27. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth
is moving.
28. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you
need it.
29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Cuckoo clock
At about 3am, i was drunk as a skunk. i came home just in time to hear the
cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. quickly coming up with a plan, i cuckooed nine
more times, hoping my wife would think it was midnight. i was very proud of
myself.
the next day, my wife asked what time i got home, and i replied, “midnight,
just like i said.”
she said that was good, and for some reason she said we needed a new cuckoo
clock. when i asked why, she answered, “last night when it cuckooed midnight, it
cuckooed three times, said ‘s***!,’ cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed
three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started
giggling.”
Yo mama's…Ugly
Yo mama so ugly when she was born they used a tinted incubator.
Batman
A man goes into a video shop and asks:
“can i rent batman forever?” The shop assistant replies:
“no, you have to bring it back tomorrow”
Bad Doctor
A man went into a hospital for surgery on a bad leg. The doctor planned to remove his bad leg.
But when the doctor came in after the surgery, he said: I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”
The patient said, “Okay… What’s the bad news?”
The doctor said, “We chopped off the wrong leg!”
The patient said: “Oh no! What’s the good news??”
And the doctor said: “You’re bad leg’s gettin’ better!”
Yo mama’s So Fat… Married
Your mama so fat, she’s been married for 20 years and your dad hasn’t seen the
other side of her yet!
El matrimonio estaba conversando:
El matrimonio estaba conversando:
“Mi amor, �crees en el amor a primera vista?”
“�Claro! Si te hubiera mirado dos veces no me habr�a casado.”
***
“Sabes querida, cuando hablas me recuerdas al mar.”
“�Qu� lindo mi amor! !No sab�a que te impresionara tanto!”
“No me impresionas… �me mareas!”
***
El marido le pregunta a su mujer:
“�Querida, cuando me muera vas a llorar mucho?”
“Claro, sabes que lloro por cualquier tonter�a…”
***
Un matrimonio visita al m�dico. Tras examinar a la mujer, el m�dico le dice al marido:
La verdad es que no me gusta el aspecto de su esposa.
Ni a mi, pero es que su padre es rico.
***
“�Auxilio, socorro, amor que llamen a los bomberooos… se quema nuestra casaaaaa!”
“�Shhhh!… silencio mi amor, no hagas ruido, no vayas a despertar a tu madre.”