Category: other

Three birds are flying over head when one spots a dove. He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes, the dove comes out and says, “I’m a dove and I’ve been loved!”

The birds continue on. A little later the second bird sees a lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes. A few minutes, the lark comes out and says, “I’m a lark and I’ve been sparked!”

The birds continue on. A little later the third sees a duck. He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck comes out and says, “I’m a drake and there’s been a big mistake!”

Cierto d�a, un campesino de 14 a�os, en la flor de la adolescencia, le dice a su padre:

“Oye pape, tu sabe que yo ya tengo mis pelos y bueno… tengo que probar la lanza poh…”

Y el padre le dice:

“Mira mejo, yo te hu� pasarte la plata para que vayas a la casa de la Rosa” (Casa de Remolienda muy conocida por todos en la zona).

LLega el muchacho all� y toca la puerta, lo sale a atender la Rosa, el le dice:

“Sabe que yo, bueno, yo vengo a utilizar el servicio poh oiga.”

Y la Rosa le pregunta: “�Tienes experiencia?”

“No pero…”

“Mira, te doy un consejo”, le dice la Rosa, “�ndate al bosque y a cada �rbol que le veas un hoyo, cl�vale el instrumento y despu�s de un tiempo vuelves.”

Parte raudo el huaso y cada �rbol con hoyo, �rbol embarazado.

Despu�s de un mes vuelve el huaso a la casa de la Rosa, con una tabla bajo el brazo, y le dice: “ya volv� ya pueh…”

“D�bora, ya ven y atiende al joven.”

Entran a la habitaci�n y D�bora se coloca en posici�n de mesita de centro y el huasito saca su tabla y le manda un costalazo en pleno orto.

La D�bora se da vuelta y le pregunta: “�Que esta� haciendo hue�n?”

“�Estoy viendo que no tenga abejas poh…!”

In Canada we have two Seasons…six months of winter and six months
of poor snowmobiling.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was the reply.
“I’m actually 47,” the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker the same question, to which the reply was, “Oh you look about 29?”
“I am actually 47.” That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman’s age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the woman thought, “What the hell”, and let him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the old man said, “Ok, You are 47.”

Stunned the woman said, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The old man replied, “I was behind you in line at McDonalds!”

A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his findings.

The cardiologist did a few more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his findings rather than continue to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.

One day, after he’d been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, “You know… This is completely unfair.”

“What do you mean?” asks the surgeon.

“Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that’s more than I get paid in a year,” replies the driver.

The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.

“That’s not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart,” says the driver.

“Well if that’s the case, I’ll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right.” replies the surgeon.

The driver replies, “Ok. You’re on.”

So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver’s hat and sits in the back of the room.

The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he’s done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.

“You know…” says the driver, “I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.”

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir, You’re the father of twins.”

“What a coincidence,” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, “You sir, are the father of triplets.”

“Wow, That’s really an incredible coincidence ” he answered. “I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down!”

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the third man — who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.

Stunned, he barely could reply. “Don’t tell me! Another coincidence?” asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said “I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!”

After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor.

The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him repeatedly muttering the same phrase over and over again:

“I should have never taken the job at Millennium Computers… “I should have never taken the job at Millennium Computers… “I should have never taken the job at Millennium Computers…!!!”

1)In the middle of class, run to the middle of the room screaming, ”I’m on
fire!” Roll around vigorously.
2) Get up to sharpen your pencil as much as possible.
3) Ask your teacher how good their spouse was last night.
4) Talk in a strong English accent.
5) Walk into class halfway through, saying, ”Aren’t you glad I decided to
come today?”
6) In the middle of a lesson, jump up holding a Game Boy above your head and
scream, ”I win!”
7) Pick your nose, show it to your friends and say loudly, ”Mmm, never seen
that shape before.”
8) ”But I have to go reeeaaallly bad!”
9) During a multiple-choice test, read the answers out loud as you go along.
10) Repeat everything the teacher says in the form of a question (”Sheesh, so
America won the Revolutionary War?”).
11) At lunch, insist on being served caviar.
12) Hide in your locker and refuse to come out.
13) ”I was never told there was going to be a test.”
14) Bring your pet goldfish.
15) Throw chalks at the chalkboard and insist on counting how many pieces it
breaks into.
16) Laugh hysterically whenever anybody says anything.
17) Splash water on the armpit area of your shirt and walk around with your
hands behind your head.
18) During a private conversation with a teacher, suddenly shout, ”No I will
not have sex with you!”
19) Point and laugh at all the fat kids.
20) Strike up a conversation with your pen.

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.The Mexican replied, only a little while.The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life.”The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”To which the American replied, “15-20 years.””But what then?”The American laughed and said that’s the best part.”When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.””Millions.. Then what?”The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

Llega Isaac muy preocupado a hablar con su padre: “�Oh, badre Abraham, yo estoy muy breocupados borque haberme llegados un requerimientos de la oficina de recaudaci�n de impuestos y no se c�mo bresentarme.”

“Contin�a Isaac…”

“Fui a bedir consejos a mi hermano Jakob y �l haber dichos: T� hermano… ll�vate tu mejor trajes, el rolex de oro, las plumas Mont Blancs; llega en el Mercedez Benz negros y b�rtate como si fueras due�os del mundo.

Luego haber ido con mi hermano Ysrael y �l aconsejar: Querrido hermanos…Tu ll�vate unos pantalones de mezclillas viejitos, playera blanca, ponte el timex m�s jodidos, lleva una plumas bic, llega en besero y b�rtate el mas humildes del mundo.

�Oh, padre, yo no se a cual de los dos he de hacerles caso, si a Jakob o a Ysrael!”

Y Abraham, como todo un patriarca le responde, lleno de sabidur�a:

“Mira querido hijos, yo solamente puedo responderte lo mismos que le dije a tu hermanas Sarita el d�a de su bodas cuando ella bregunt� que deb�a usar la noche de bodas, si un neglig� transparentes o un camis�n de franelas. Lo que le dije fu�: Querrida hija, vayas como vayas… te van a coger.”

Entra un tipo a una pizzer�a abrazando a dos chicas: a su derecha una rubia estupenda y a su izquierda una morena despampanante, y le ordena al dependiente:

“Dos pizzas, por favor”.

“�Familiares?”

“No, son putas pero tienen hambre”.

The Forest Service has issued a “BEAR WARNING” in the national forests for this summer.

They’re urging everyone to protect themselves by wearing bells and carrying pepper spray.

Campers should be alert for signs of fresh bear activity, and they should be able to tell the difference between black bear dung, and grizzly bear dung.

Black bear dung is rather small and round. Sometimes you can see fruit seeds and or squirrel fur in it.

Grizzly bear dung has bells in it, and smells like pepper spray!

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci