Category: other

Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.

“I’ll get the door.” says the first ovary.

She looks out the peep hole and says, “Did you order furniture?”

“No, why?” askes the other ovary.

“Because there are two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

A five-year-old is mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lives across the street sees the beer and comes over to lecture the kid.

“Aren’t you a little young to be drinking, son?” the preacher asks.

The kid replies, “That’s nothing, I got laid when I was three.”

“What? How did that happen?”

“I don’t remember. I was drunk.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Little Johnny was in the school bus on the way to an excursion.
Suddenly, he said, Have you realised that if my Mum was a
Kangaroo and my Dad was a Kangaroo, id be a baby Kangaroo? The
driver said, ‘SHUT UP, KID!’ Then Johnny said, Have you
realised that if my Mum was an Echidna and my Dad was an
Echidna, id be a baby Echidna? The Driver said, If your Mum
was a Builder and your Dad was Ricky Martin, then what would you
be???????!!!!!!!

‘A Bus Driver.’

The curfew in Belfast started at 10 pm and at 9.30 pm the British soldiers were leaving their barracks to enforce it.

A sergeant in charge of one of the patrols heard a shot ring out at 9.35 pm.

He soon discovered that Private Connolly had shot a man.

‘It’s only 9.35 pm,’ roared the sergeant. ‘Why did you shoot him?’

‘I know that man,’ said Private Connolly, ‘I know where he lives. He would never have got home by 10 o’clock.’

Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the
other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, “So
where y’all from?”

The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied, “I am
from a place where we do not end our sentences with a preposition.”

Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the
Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from,
bitch?”

Whats the mexican word for Rodney King?

– Pinata

if quizzes are quizzical, what are test?

(if you havent figured it out the answer is testical).

1)In the middle of class, run to the middle of the room screaming, ”I’m on
fire!” Roll around vigorously.
2) Get up to sharpen your pencil as much as possible.
3) Ask your teacher how good their spouse was last night.
4) Talk in a strong English accent.
5) Walk into class halfway through, saying, ”Aren’t you glad I decided to
come today?”
6) In the middle of a lesson, jump up holding a Game Boy above your head and
scream, ”I win!”
7) Pick your nose, show it to your friends and say loudly, ”Mmm, never seen
that shape before.”
8) ”But I have to go reeeaaallly bad!”
9) During a multiple-choice test, read the answers out loud as you go along.
10) Repeat everything the teacher says in the form of a question (”Sheesh, so
America won the Revolutionary War?”).
11) At lunch, insist on being served caviar.
12) Hide in your locker and refuse to come out.
13) ”I was never told there was going to be a test.”
14) Bring your pet goldfish.
15) Throw chalks at the chalkboard and insist on counting how many pieces it
breaks into.
16) Laugh hysterically whenever anybody says anything.
17) Splash water on the armpit area of your shirt and walk around with your
hands behind your head.
18) During a private conversation with a teacher, suddenly shout, ”No I will
not have sex with you!”
19) Point and laugh at all the fat kids.
20) Strike up a conversation with your pen.

The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.The Mexican replied, only a little while.The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life.”The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”To which the American replied, “15-20 years.””But what then?”The American laughed and said that’s the best part.”When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.””Millions.. Then what?”The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”

Llega Isaac muy preocupado a hablar con su padre: “�Oh, badre Abraham, yo estoy muy breocupados borque haberme llegados un requerimientos de la oficina de recaudaci�n de impuestos y no se c�mo bresentarme.”

“Contin�a Isaac…”

“Fui a bedir consejos a mi hermano Jakob y �l haber dichos: T� hermano… ll�vate tu mejor trajes, el rolex de oro, las plumas Mont Blancs; llega en el Mercedez Benz negros y b�rtate como si fueras due�os del mundo.

Luego haber ido con mi hermano Ysrael y �l aconsejar: Querrido hermanos…Tu ll�vate unos pantalones de mezclillas viejitos, playera blanca, ponte el timex m�s jodidos, lleva una plumas bic, llega en besero y b�rtate el mas humildes del mundo.

�Oh, padre, yo no se a cual de los dos he de hacerles caso, si a Jakob o a Ysrael!”

Y Abraham, como todo un patriarca le responde, lleno de sabidur�a:

“Mira querido hijos, yo solamente puedo responderte lo mismos que le dije a tu hermanas Sarita el d�a de su bodas cuando ella bregunt� que deb�a usar la noche de bodas, si un neglig� transparentes o un camis�n de franelas. Lo que le dije fu�: Querrida hija, vayas como vayas… te van a coger.”

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks.
“I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”

“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But
where’s my husband?”

“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guiness brewery…”

“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”

“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m
sorry.”

Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”

“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout
and drowned.”

Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at
least go quickly?”

“Well, no Brenda… no.”

“No?”

“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”