Category: other

A man dies and goes to heaven.

As he’s standing in line, the pearly gates slam open and a man charges out.

He’s dressed in a scrub suit and a white lab-coat, with a stethoscope around his neck. He knocks over most of the people standing in line in his rush to move through the crowd. The man asked St. Peter, “Who was that?”

St. Peter answered “That’s just God. Sometimes he likes to play doctor.”

There was three guys stranded on an island, they find a magic lamp in the sand, they pick it up and rub it, a genie comes out and says “you each have one wish”.

The first guy says “I wish I was ten times smarter than I was before”. So he get into the water and swims to land.

The second guy says “I wish I was twenty times smarter than I was before”, So he builds a boat and rows to land.

The third guy says “I wish I was one-hundred tims smarter than I was before”. So he turns into a woman and walks across the bridge.

En Argentina, estaba Caballo hablando con su secretario y le dec�a:

“Cuando muera quiero que entierren mi coraz�n en C�rdoba donde nac�, mis piernas en los bosques de Palermo, donde camin� todas las ma�anas, mi est�mago en el jard�n del restaurante donde siempre com�a…”

Y el secretario lo interrumpe:

“Entonces se�or, el culo se lo vamos a tener rallar porque se mand� cagadas por toda la repuplica.”

En medio de una tormenta, una tortuguita pierde su concha y desesperada va donde su abuela:

“Abuelita, tengo un problema, �me dejas cobijarme de la tormenta en tu concha?”

La abuela se niega rotundamente. La tortuguita parte donde sus hermanos:

“Hermanos m�os, perd� mi concha y estoy en problemas, �me dejan cobijarme de la tormenta en su concha?”

Al igual que la abuela, los hermanos se niegan. Como �ltimo recurso parte donde su madre:

“Madre m�a, �me dejas cobijarme bajo tu concha?”

Con voz materna, la madre responde:

“�Claro, hija m�a!”

MORALEJA:

Cuando tengas problemas, �ndate a la concha de tu madre.

What did Eve had to admit when she was told by a snake that she was naked? That she got 6 bucks to take it off for a dog. (Dog=god) She was just so ugly.

The Virgin Mary was so hard up that she had to go into a barn to have sex. (And with the Lord Dog).

An Indian chief was having a problem so he went to the tribeal
Witch Doctor and said to him, “Big chief no fart!”

So the Witch doctor gave the chief a herbal mixture and said to
him, “Drink this and come back in two days time.”

Two days later the chief goes back to the Witch Doctor and says
to him, “Big chief still no fart!”

So the Witch doctor sends the chief home with a more powerful
mixture then the one before and says to him, “Drink this and
come back in Three days Time”

Three days later the Chief goes back to the witch doctor rather
upset and says, “Big chief in pain, still no fart!”

The Witch doctor gives him the strongest mixture he can find and
says to the chief, “Drink this and come back in a week”

The next day the big chief’s wife runs in and screams at the
Witch Doctor, “BIG FART NO CHIEF!”

Did you hear we caught bin laden? no… we spread liquid viagra around the mountains of afghanistan and he just suddenly popped up!

One night, a father passed by his son’s room and heard his son praying: “God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa.” The father didn’t quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked. The next night, he heard his son praying again: “God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma.” The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son’s door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: “God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy.” Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor’s early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, “Thank God you’re here — we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!”

There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.

“I’ll get the door.” says the first ovary.

She looks out the peep hole and says, “Did you order furniture?”

“No, why?” askes the other ovary.

“Because there are two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

A five-year-old is mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer.

The preacher who lives across the street sees the beer and comes over to lecture the kid.

“Aren’t you a little young to be drinking, son?” the preacher asks.

The kid replies, “That’s nothing, I got laid when I was three.”

“What? How did that happen?”

“I don’t remember. I was drunk.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Little Johnny was in the school bus on the way to an excursion.
Suddenly, he said, Have you realised that if my Mum was a
Kangaroo and my Dad was a Kangaroo, id be a baby Kangaroo? The
driver said, ‘SHUT UP, KID!’ Then Johnny said, Have you
realised that if my Mum was an Echidna and my Dad was an
Echidna, id be a baby Echidna? The Driver said, If your Mum
was a Builder and your Dad was Ricky Martin, then what would you
be???????!!!!!!!

‘A Bus Driver.’

The curfew in Belfast started at 10 pm and at 9.30 pm the British soldiers were leaving their barracks to enforce it.

A sergeant in charge of one of the patrols heard a shot ring out at 9.35 pm.

He soon discovered that Private Connolly had shot a man.

‘It’s only 9.35 pm,’ roared the sergeant. ‘Why did you shoot him?’

‘I know that man,’ said Private Connolly, ‘I know where he lives. He would never have got home by 10 o’clock.’