Category: other

First man: How’d you get that black eye?

Second man: I called some woman a two-bit whore.

First man: She punched you?

Second man: Nope. She hit me with her bag of quarters.

Q: What starts with s and ends with X?? A: six

An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, George W. Bush said, “I am the President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being leader of nearly 300 million people and a superpower.” So he takes the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.The second passenger said, “I’m Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me so I can’t afford to die.” So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, “I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am New York’s Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world”. So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 12-year-old Boy Scout, “I am old and frail and I don’t have many years left so as a Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”The Boy Scout said, “It’s okay, there’s a parachute left for you. The world’s smartest woman took my backpack.”

Q:What is the difference of beer-nuts and deer-nuts?
A:Beer-nuts are $3.56 and deer-nuts are under a buck!!!!!!!

From a passenger cruise ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.

“I’ve no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts.”

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.

Her mother warned her “Don’t walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!”

Little Red started towards her grandmother’s house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.

The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her “Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he’ll suck your tits dry!”

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her “Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood – I’m gonna suck your tits dry!!”

“Oh no you don’t”, yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, “You’re gonna eat me just like the story says!”

Q. How do you sink a polish battleship?
A. Put it in water!

how do you turn indian men off?

press the red dot.

This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.

So the manager sent him up to room “69”.

He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.

Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, “What the hell was that?”

She replied, “That is the cooling rain falling all over you.”

She got at it again and farted in his face.

He said, “What the hell was that?”

She then again replied, “That is the warm ocean winds blowing.”

Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.

Hurricane Sally said, “Where are you going?”

He said, “Hell, a man can’t fuck with this kind of weather!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

HEADLINE: A hole has appeared in the ladies changing rooms at the sports club. Police are looking into it.

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some reportedly real
life examples:

“My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to
complete projects on time is unspeakable.”
“Education: Curses in liberal arts, computer science, and curses in
accounting.”
“Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.”
“I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
“I am a rabid typist.”
“Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a
gourmet pig mail order service on the side.”
“Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for
business.”
“Proven ability to track down and correct errors.”
“I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely
no one.”
“References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
“Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
“Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously; they were
unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.”
“I am loyal to my employer at all costs…Please feel free to respond to my
resume on my office voicemail.”
“Qualifications: No education or experience.”
“Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
“Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”
“Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”

There was three guys stranded on an island, they find a magic lamp in the sand, they pick it up and rub it, a genie comes out and says “you each have one wish”.

The first guy says “I wish I was ten times smarter than I was before”. So he get into the water and swims to land.

The second guy says “I wish I was twenty times smarter than I was before”, So he builds a boat and rows to land.

The third guy says “I wish I was one-hundred tims smarter than I was before”. So he turns into a woman and walks across the bridge.